Bette and Tina have some fire to put back into the relationship, except, they have their hands full with Angelica, and unemployment, and assholes at preschool, and one really bitchy handicapped social worker. Not to mention the Triangle of Anger, the Trianger.

 Alice is an unholy mess, taking antidepressants to help cope with her breakup from Dana, whom is now dating Lara, the soup chef. She blahs on her radio show, about her obsessive disorder, and how miserable she is. Which leads to a seriously dark comedic turn of events that include, multiple crying outbursts, a car chase, a car crash, and tourettes. Sad, but a must on anyone's dramatic portrayal of emotions. Dana is training to perform her tennis-like skills. She and Lara get it on, only to discover a lump that's "been there forever" in Dana's bosom.

 Jenny has returned home to receive some much needed brain downtime. Her mother is the dilapidated version of Margot Kidder. In her hometown Jenny meets our first "real" butch character named Moira and promptly has sex with her in her parents overly Jewish home. To which her step dad is not Kosher.

 Carmen takes "Straight" Shane to the parental units' Casa and all goes well, until Mama De La Pica makes Shane wear a dress. Which makes awkward fun of Bois in dresses. And Catholic Mexicans CANNOT come out to their parents! No mention of Mark whatsoever. So long, moron.

 Kit goes to the doctor who just so happens to be her son, David. Doctor Dave basically tells us she has Menopause. Kit is concerned with her sex life/future. No mention of The Planet's fate, really, or Auntie Kits "poonani".

 Meanwhile Helena visits a tarot card reader and is surprised by the mention of a brunette in her future, who drives a blue car, and will be back to back then face to face, or something. She also bought a movie studio and has been convinced, Alice, is her new leading lady.

 Full Episode Recap

301- Labia Majora

Recap time for the poor unfortunate souls without local showings for The L Word.

So far we've got:

Bette & Tina- Back together at home after Bette cheated on Tina with the Carpenter. They now have a baby, formerly known as Portard, newly named Angelica. Bette told her boss to take her museum job and shove it. Bette & Kits father, passed away.
Alice- Drives a mini-cooper, is eccentric, and hilarious! Bitter at Dana for breaking up with her for Lara. She still has her radio show.
Dana- Training for Tennis, now with Lara. Has came out to her parents, brother Howie came out too. Spokeswoman for Subaru, et al.
Kit- Still owns the Planet, Auntie Kit now. No longer pursued by Ivan, no longer pursuing Benjamin.
Shane- Taped in home by Mark and Gomey. Is the Boi type on the show, has hair issues, and is a hairdresser...? Is way into Carmen.
Carmen- Equally devastated by the videotaping incident. Has a thing for Shane still. Broke up with Jenny.
Jenny- What was once crazy in LA is now crazy in Illinois, for now.
Mark- Heheh, See Ya!!!
Helena- After dating Tina, and losing out to Bette, she is now a lonely and desperate troublemaker. I'm supposed to believe this woman was quiet for 6 months?

Ok, now that you are caught up, sort of, we can get on with the show.

Palo Alto, California 1973
A nice suburban home, on a peaceful neighborhood street. Upon entrance of said home, in the living room, we find a number of assorted women looking at their ya-ya's with vanity mirrors. The group of women are taking part in some sort of sexual exploration party, or therapy meeting, take your pick. The ladies discuss how beautiful or ugly their parts are. A smoking lady says hers looks like burnt curtains. One woman, a shy and homely type, acts as if what the women are doing is way too far out. She explains that her husband is fast to do the nasty. She didn't know she could enjoy it. Embarrassed, she gets up to sulk in the kitchen. The woman who was trying to coax her into participating, follows, to "check" on her. They are calling her Marilyn, although she looks like maybe a Bob, or Frank. So "Marilyn" goes to console Teri. Marilyn talks of happiness, and sexual desire and thus makes her move on Teri. All the while we see a nice conversion to present day storyline, with the complex web of names linking, lesbians through the labyrinth, of Alice's chart. Marilyn chalks up a line to Teri.

Credits- You'd think with all the leverage Ilene has, she could change them, not just adding Daniela Sea and Dallas Roberts. Although music throughout the entire episode was a huge improvement from last season.

Starting with Tegan and Sara finishing ‘So Jealous' at sunrise. "And your listening to the chart on KCRW, Welcome back." Tonight Alice is talking about the connection between love and the senses. Here it is for your reading pleasure.
"Your lover kisses you and, you feel a tremor, in the back of your knees. The synapses fire sending orders to move your legs, move your arms, she's the one for you. She's the girl of your dreams, your one and only. And you know because, the smell of her makes your head swim, because you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way. When she touches you here, you feel it here. And when you touch her anywhere you feel it everywhere. And then boom, it's six months later and she's touching someone else. And you might say, Hey! Al, relationships end, lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of heartache and betrayal. For example my first boyfriend left me for a voluptuous former lesbian named April, who I then wound up having a rebound affair with, but we could also talk about Gabby. Otherwise known as lesbian X. A point of origin for an entire geographical sub-stratum of lesbian linkages. Including, Lara. Yes that same Lara. We love 'er! Lara the larcenist, Lara the liberator, Lara the new true love, apparently, of Dana. I mean, Dana, who told me she needed closure with Lara. Well it's six months later and I ‘m still waiting for it to close."

Alice is viewed opening and ingesting antidepressants here, sadly. But, L Words! Yay! [This spiel was dubbed over scenes of Dana and her morning hair and face, with nothing but a t-shirt on. Which reads ‘Beam me up Scotty. There is no intelligent life on this planet']

Wimbledon- Lara and Dana in her kitchen. They discuss what she is making, and how Dana can't eat it because she is training. But, wait she's about to receive a little workout soufflé. On the counter, equipped with the crashing of bowls, full of ingredients, to the floor.

Pre-school or Music camp- Bette and Tina have brought Angelica. The songs are actually, really lame, but I'll humor them and pretend to like it. So, song one is over, and the mommies are instructed to get an instrument out of a small, white box. Bette tells Tina that she is going to get the Triangle today. Alas, she fails, beaten by a loner dad who has hair similar to Mark's only not as greasy. He pulls out the triangle, and, oh god he's done it now.
Bette: Actually I was looking for that.
Lonerdad: Oh, I'm sure there's more.
Bette: Well, there's not.
Lonerdad: Sorry.
Bette: Asshole. [Calmly & out loud]

So she picked the sleigh bells instead. I thought that Bette was going to try and calm down. On a side note: I have theories, about this triangle, but none of them work. Like maybe it's a shout out to Queer as Folk or something. But even the musical aspect of a triangle only has limited capabilities. It only plays one note. Who knows? Why all the trianger? Tina follows Lonerdad around to apologize to him, for Bette. He asks which one is the mom, and assumes their baby is Bette's because she's half black, and "looks more like her". Tina, not picking up on his shallowness, corrects him by saying she gave birth, actually. He then asks if Bette is Tina's sister. She's all like no, she's my partner. He swallows his foot and blinks unresponsively. All the while Bette pedals around with Angie and the sleigh bells. Tina explains that, Bette is stressed out today, because the social worker is coming today to interview, and inspect the house. She has to go through the 2nd parent adoption process, which would legally allow Bette to become a parent to Angie.

Doctor Dave's- David is giving his mom, Kit, the once over. He asks her a series of questions that lead me to believe she is going through the change, because she's 50. Kit thinks the situation is awkward. She claims it was her fault she let it go this long, but her father needed her help. So she thinks if they had caught it sooner. David stops her and tells her not to plan her funeral, yet. He wants blood work, tests, and he is betting it is psychological. What with running The Planet all by herself, and helping take care of Tina's baby. To which she recalls, "that's Bette's baby too, you know."

Musicland- Tina and Bette hand out invitations to Angie's 6 month b-day, so they can get free stuff. Tina invites Lonerdad and, Bette's not happy. She calls him a square, and suburban and so... straight. Tina said she grew up in suburbia, "why does everybody have to be a hipster?" This is obviously a reference to the episodes random act. They also want Angus (the instructor) to play at the celebration. He is trying to get a record spinning. He wants to play Ozzie or Black Sabbath for her, but Bette was thinking more along the lines of Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Stevie Nicks' Fortune Telling Hut- Hellena is getting her tarot cards read. The psychic tells her basically she drew some pretty cool cards. She just bought something, a movie studio, the cards know everything. And there is a romance in her future. The Empress card shows she really knows how to pamper herself and take care of her lovers. The other card is the knight of wands, a creative person, volatile and sexually changeable, like bisexual. The Empress Helena is told to shuffle and take 3 more cards. She does and the first card is wouldn't you know it, the bi-sexual card. Then she tells her she will stand back to back then face to face. Miss Cleo tells her she cant tell her anymore right now, except the car she drives is blue, oh and she's a brunette.

Dr. Freud- Bette and Tina are putting the flame back into their fireplace with the help of a sex therapist. The Dr. asks one of them to pick out materials while the other waits. So Bette tells "Mama T" to sit while she gets the materials. To which the doctor, openly protests. She never wants hear the words Mama T or B come out of either of their mouths otherwise they will be unable to rekindle that flame we're always talking about, in this long term relationship. "Because Mama T & B don't make mad, passionate love to one another, they make cookies." So this technique Dr. Farber wants them to practice, at home, requires Tina to be naked on the floor, while Bette would fondle her with rubber and suede. Tina is not having that. She doesn't want anyone looking at her naked body, she would feel ridiculous. And no one finds scars, or saggy stomach, or leaky nipples "beautiful". Which when you put it that way, ok, I don't. Bette replies, "Well, first of all, I'm not just anybody. I am your life partner and would-be lover and secondly, I find you beautiful. You can not tell me what I can and can't find beautiful. And I don't think this is all about you feeling unattractive or tired. I hate to say this but, I think Dr. Farber, that she is still punishing me." Tina says she is just exhausted and up all the time with Angie, that's all. Or maybe she moved on way too much? The doctor suggests the lovers paint box made of chocolates, for $34.95. Tina says it's too expensive. Dr. Farber has an ice cube set for $19.95 in which they would drip ice cold water, or kool-aid, over the nipples, clits-r-us or if all else fails, try humor. Doc Farber puts on, a red clown nose, and prances around, while they stare at her like she's crazy. Nobody likes clowns, lady, especially when you're trying to have sex. And not since, Roseanne, have I been ok with saying, $34.95 is expensive. The doctor asks when they put Angie down? They say it varies, and that she doesn't sleep in a crib, and for the first time this episode they say they are practicing attachment parenting. The doctor asks where the baby is now, and we get a ‘ah, shit' look from the mommies. For the record I slept between my parents and I turned out ok. But I think that if I were with them at all times throughout the day, they would have traded me for a new Camaro.

SoulPlanet- So, Carmen has the baby and is trading it around the large coffee table with everyone. She is much hotter then Eva Longoria, we may start calling Eva Sarah Shahi 2.0!! Dana has the rugrat, and is explaining her parents' stance on her sexuality and how they're not exactly ok with it. But hey, they don't try to set her up with guys anymore, which is good. Carmen says that in a Mexican family coming out isn't an option. Shane says "so you just stay in the closet?" "No, sweetheart, you don't just stay in the closet. There are certain things that are understood and that you do not talk about those things , like when my Uncle Poppy borrowed his sisters prom dress. What he did with that prom dress we don't know and guess what, we don't ask." Enter Tina and Bette. Tina found the doctor's un-neutral language of clit, offensive. She likes pussy, over Bette's suggested, cunt. The rest of the conversation revolves around the names we give our Ya-ya. Lara finds cunt hot, Carmen thinks beaver is funny. But actually, she really loves twat. And Shane "knows that". Tina grew up in euphemism world where nether-regions was the word of choice. Dana agrees that she too, was brought up with phrases like, lady parts and so on. Just then Alice, comes in loopy from her meds, and embarrasses Dana and everyone else at the table, by spilling Dana's secret word. "Then who came up with Peeper? Peeper, peeper, peeper. Touch my peeper Al. Nobody touches my peeper like you, Al. Oh, look what happens when you touch my peeper, wet peeper!" Dana says "you win, Al" and her and Lara leave. Alice gets one last "peeper" in before they get out the door. She sulks about what just happened. Bette asks her what she's on now. "Methylphenadate. Possible side effects include, um Tourettes." Bette tells her about the social worker, while Shane says she is going to "meet Carmen's mother, and eat dinner with her entire family, and I'm gonna act straight." So Carmen claims she won the "stressed out" game.

Yoga, Yoga, Yoga- A seriously tone Helena, with Alice? are at yoga. Alice is bawling uncontrollably. While Helena tries to console her, she keeps sobbing. Alice is feeling unpredictable, or maybe "spontaneous." The yoga instructor has Alice and Helena partner, back to back and stretch each other. Then face to face to stretch, and Helena finally gets it. She realizes this out loud and Alice, sobs "yeah that's what he told us to do." Sobbing continues. Out in the parking lot Helena asks Alice out. You know go out for a drink and get her mind off of Dana, perhaps meet someone new, or fuck in a swimming pool. Then she sees Alice's car, and it's blue. Alice says maybe she should take a higher dose of meds, since it isn't really a precise science. Alice wants to make sure Helena isn't judging, she claims she isn't. Alice says "you're a good friend, you're a good friend." Helena's still reeling, from the tarot-ic coincidences, walks to her car as we see Alice fiddling with her keys, "fuck."

Casa de la Mommies- The hipster couple meet with the social worker. Kit is there also to witness this but wisely she leaves. The lady demands they lug her up the steps in her wheelchair. Then she bitches that they don't have a crib, because they are practicing attachment parenting. Miss. Collie has a problem with every aspect of their lives. From art to architecture. There's no baby-proofing, anti patriotic art, and sharp corners, plus there's an overwhelming lack of bright plastic toys. Bette and Tina glance at each other and worry about how horribly this is going. Miss Collie is going over the safety issues in the house. But Bette wants the baby to learn by tactile encounters. Metaphorically, by sticking her hand in the fire. She also wants to know who the dominating male influence is in Angelica's life. Bette answers, "all you have to do is turn on the TV, they're (men) everywhere." Yes, but Miss. Collie wants to know how she will recognize the smell of a man, or how he feels. Or will she ever "rub her cheek on his scratchy, unshaven face. Or play with the curly hairs on his chest, or back..." eeew. I do believe this woman has issues.

Car Wars- Alice is on the road, swerving in and out of traffic, with Tourettes. She notices Dana driving, Dana doesn't respond, but she saw her. Al yells "fuck you, aw fuck you!" out the window. A chase ensues. Dana is afraid of being run off the road, so she calls Alice's cell phone. Dana asks Alice if she is insane. Alice responds with, "me, insane? You're the one that did this Dana. Hold on I got another call. Hello?" She answers her other line as if she is sitting on the couch, just mellow and all sweet like. Dana growls loudly at the fact she was put on hold during a turn so she stays on the line. The other call is Helena divulging to Alice that she bought a movie studio and no one else knows about it. But she's really calling to find out what Alice's natural hair color is. Al mumbles out that it depends on which angle you look at her, and that she could be a dirty blonde but mainly brown. She asks Helena to hold on so she can ask Dana if she was "planning on going straight down sunset or are you gonna turn off?" Dana straight said, click!

Close Encounters of the Jewish kind- Jenny enters her mother's humble abode. Calling out, Lois Lane, I've come to save the day. No she didn't, but it would have been cool. Her mother is setting the table for Jenny's last supper, and night, in town. Mother Schecter tells her that her step-father invited the Cranes and their son, Marshall. Jenny asks her mom to tell Barry not to set her up with guys, because he is a man and... she gets cut off. "Don't start, we all know you were sick" when she decided to be a lesbian. But Dr. Peretz, whom Jenny has been seeing here in Skokie believes that her problems don't include her sexual orientation. Mom says, "then I think Dr. Peretz is as sick as you are."

Spanish Gardens- Carmen tells Shane not to worry, they are gonna "fuckin love you." Carmen exits the Jeep, tattoos, in tow.

Casa de la Mommies- Miss. Collie grills Bette on her state of Passionate unemployment. Then out of the blue or blue car, comes a loud crash/honk. Alice has came to Bette and Tina's after having chased Dana all over the city. Alice screams all sorts of curse words, of which my favorite derives, "jesus, fuck!" as she walks inside. She explains to the very busy mommies, that she just finished chasing Dana, and she's upset. "Lets just hope she doesn't have a lot of contact with the baby." Well she is "the earthmother, I would have been the godmother but I don't believe in God." Anyways it was Momma B's idea. Collie will be back in 10 days to give them a 2nd chance. Although first impressions are tough to beat.

Spanish Gardens- Mama De La Pica, thinks Shane is skinny, and pretty. She asks Shane who does her hair, and where is her family? Carmen explains that her family is in Austin, but she isn't close to them. She was in foster care, she adds. Carmen's mom is telling Shane about the sweet 15 party she wants her to come to, and how she has a very preety dress for her to wear. Mama gets the dress to Shane and leaves the two alone for like 10 seconds. And before you know it they are making out, with the possibility of Mama walking in. Carmen puts the dress on Shane, and right as they are kissing Mama reenters. They thought they were busted, but she was just excited to see that dress on Shane. And let me tell you it looks... well lets just say, now I'm blind.

Wimbledon- Lara brings "poor baby" double lemon sugar cookies with Lavender and Rosemary. They make out while Alice stalks in the shadows outside the window, staring at them. Lara, and Dana are making out on the couch topless, and Lara discovers a lump in Dana's breast. Dana assures her it has been there for a while, and that she had it checked, its fine.

A Bar in Skokie- Moira the new "real" butch asks Jenny how the book is coming. She tells Jenny she wants to come to LA with her. They dance and Jenny asks Boira if she went to college, She says yes, she went to a tech institute. She rambles on about computer stuff and doesn't even notice Jenny not paying attention. Jenny asks if "she was thinking about fucking her right then?" They kiss madly and Boira notices that Jenny has cut marks on her side. She tells her they are self-inflicted. She also says she wants to go back home tonight, and not get into it with her parents. Well Boira lives in Wilmette so they can swing by her place and pick up her stuff, too. Back at the Superjew's, they are getting Jenny's things but, there's nothing a good screw cant make better, so they do it in Jenny's old room. The parental units barge in on them. Warren says "how dare you bring a man into this house!" Jenny speeches about things I don't want to repeat because it's the same old thing every time. I, I, I, me, me, me. You suck, suck, suck. Jenny's mom stops her outside and asks if she's trying to punish her and if its because of what happened to her as a little girl. She tells supermom that she was a good mom, and she did fine with her, but when she was little and that thing we do not name, happened, she could have comforted her. Jenny thanks her for acknowledging what happened to her as a child, and they share a moment.

Temple of Dane- Alice wanders in looking all a fray. She lights a couple of candles and stares at a board full of pictures of Dana. Then turns to a lifesize cardboard cutout of Dana from the Olivia cruise, and asks it "what are you looking at?"

Dr. Dave's- He has to ascertain some more information. Kit believes he is beating around the bush, she doesn't want him to protect her. Kit wants to deal as soon as possible. David asks her if she has had memory loss or dry crotch lately. She says "huh, I forgot the question." and "her poonani dry, or not dry they do not discuss."

Soulplanet- The finish their day out with some more vagina polylogues, and maybe they could have came up with more, but I think they covered nearly every name for your ya-ya that is possible. And also the names for sex with men, I think. I know someone can list all the names but it ain't me. They continue way into the credits, so no way.

Next week on The L word- Alan Cumming joins us to take over The Planets party. Alice seeks therapy, and Helena helps her overcome her obstacle. I'm in love with Helena, now. Bette worries she may not get adoptive rights, her own nephew won't even help. And Jenny and Boira cause trouble at a gas station. It involves a stun gun so tune in! It'll be a riot.

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