And now to our regularly scheduled recap..... (Let's hope I can remember how to do this, as I've been surviving on a diet of South Of Nowhere and Lost for sooooo long!):


We open with a shot of Jenny pleading with Tim not to leave.
OOOOOK, it's a short recap of Season 2....

-stuff about Jenny from last season-
-stuff about Shane from last season-
-stuff about Kit from last season-
-the train wreck that WAS Bette & Tina last season-
-stuff about Dana/Alice last season-

Cue: a jazzy little segment of bits from season 2 set to music, including the birth of Angelica (Bette/Tina's baby)
And finally, Kit holds Angelica with the whole gang gathered around her and says to her, "you are gonna have a verrrry verrrry interesting life, cause we are verrrry verrry interesting people"

Honey, you can say THAT again! ;-)

Cue: the start of the show!

Unfortunately, the screen fades up NOT on our girls, but on the legend:

"Palo Alto, California - 1973"

Oh joy of joys, the arty/pointless/annoying opening flashback segments seem to have returned this season.
*groan*

A bunch of women we don't know are sitting around in someone's living room, their legs up round their ears, all with mirrors in hand, examining their - how shall we put it - 'private parts'.
*has Fried Green Tomatoes-esque flashback!*

The women, by turns, think that what they can see in their mirrors is horrible, beautiful etc. (Personally, I think it's rather beautiful. Flower-esque...)
One woman says she thinks it looks like "burnt curtains". Or, at least I THINK that's what she said. Can't say it's ever reminded me of THAT! lol! A furry Muppet-mouth - perhaps. Burnt curtains - nah.

Someone passes a bowl of Granola over (isn't that a cereal? WTF!) and our ladies nearly get a little something crunchy spilt into their laps! They act like the spilt stuff is hot coal, so I'm guessing that Granola + fur burger doesn't mix well ;-)

One of them has a little rant about the "myth of the vaginal orgasm" and berates Sigmund Freud for being a "sexist pig".

Call me strange, but if this is what really went on in living rooms in America in the year I was born, then blimey, I wish I'd been born THERE! lol!

By the by, if anyone reading this HAS had a purely vaginal orgasm, then by all means write in and enlighten me. Personally I'm standing by my tried and trusted friend, Miss Clitoris, in that area. (Stuff Miss World! Now, 'Miss Clitoris' - THAT'S a show I'd watch I tells ya!)

Anyhoo, back to the non-Stepford wives convention......

The host of this soiree notes that one woman hasn't joined in with the banter, so goes over and sits by her, asking how she is etc.
"G'on, you can tell us" she intones, "we're your sisters....." and the rest of the ladies all look on, drinks in hand.
Miss Quiet finally owns up to the shy fact that she had no idea about anything she's just seen in her mirror, as her husband is usually "so clumsy and fast". Then she gets all embarrassed and flustered and has to excuse herself from the room.

Bless. Poor bint.

The other ladies look on in sympathy as she exits, stage left, and then our host says she's just going to check on Miss Quiet.

She finds her in the kitchen, fingering a towel nervously.
Host Lady takes it from her and tells her she has "the right to be happy......and sexually fulfilled"
Amen to that sister!
And then it all starts getting a bit sultry. Hehe.
Host Lady steps into Miss Quiet's personal space and if there were any more sexual tension in the air, you'd be able to see steam coming out their ears!
Miss Quiet half-heartedly protests that she can't be late home because of her husband and child etc
Host Lady counters with the argument, "what's it gonna hurt if you turn up a little late....is the world gonna stop turning?" and all the while she's moving in behind Miss Quiet, brushing her hair away from her neck, hand around her waist, kissing her neck etc. I'm thinking Miss Quiet is a little turned on from the mirror-session etc and she's liking this attention A LOT.

Suddenly the name 'Marilyn' appears on the screen in front of the women getting it on at the kitchen sink. Weird. Then as they continue, a line grows up from that name and eventually leads to another that appears: 'Teri'. Oh I get it, it's the connections thing like on Alice's chart. Presumably these two women getting their freak on are Marilyn and Teri. Oh and can I just say, seductions at the kitchen sink REALLY do it for me, BIGTIME! *When Night Is Falling flashback* Mmmmmmm....

Miss Quiet is giving in rapidly as Host Lady keeps talking and is turning her around in her arms as she's feeling her up under her blouse, when she starts to open her mouth to meet her in a kiss, when.....

BAM! - Cut to the opening titles!!!!!

BLOODY HELL!!!!!!!! GODDAMMIT JANET! That was turning into a HOT HOT scene and then WHAM! - we get titles! GRRR!

Oh well. There's always my (rather vivid, as I'm a published poet) imagination......

In case you're wondering folks, the title sequence and music are the same as last season.

And whilst I have grown accustomed to the song (and can even be found singing it to myself whilst drying the dishes sometimes), the visuals of the opening titles are still pretty awful. Everyone is so shiny and glossy and - ooh look, there's the new girl, Moira! - and slick and lip glossed and - ooh look, there's the new guy playing a guitar! - and it just doesn't fit with the show in my opinion.

Oh well, I guess we can just shut our eyes and sing along when the titles come up in future.....

Fade up on: Santa Monica, where Alice is doing her radio show and has just finished playing 'So Jealous' by Tegan & Sarah.

Our Alice says that tonight she's gonna be discussing the connection between "love and the senses" on her show. (Great name for a band that, don't you think?)
She carries on, talking about kissing your lover and how that is an amazing feeling etc. She gets to the part about "she's the girl of your dreams, your one and only" and we see a brief shot of Dana walking through her house in the early morning, rubbing her sleepy eyes, as Alice continues her train of thought on love.
"and you know because the smell of her makes your head swim"
"cause you get a physical jolt every time she sends a glance your way....."
Cut to another brief shot of Dana going through her house in her sleep shirt. Just as she moves out of the frame, she smiles a soft, sultry, 'hello gorgeous' good morning smile.......
"you touch her anywhere and you feel it everywhere"
"and then BOOM! - it's six months later and she's touching someone else....."
Over that part we see who Dana was actually smiling at......

IT'S LARA!!!!!!!!! WOO FRIGGIN HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*does my Dana/Lara-should-be-back-together victory dance and enjoys watching the two of them greet each other with a lovely good morning kiss, as Alice continues on, rather more bitterly:
"lovers leave, leaving a labyrinth of heartache and betrayal...."
She then goes on about how her first boyfriend left her for someone else, who she ended up having an affair with etc!
Gabby gets name checked as well in her bitter rant, and then Lara........

Cut back to Dana/Lara, where our fave tennis player is reading what's in the recipe that Lara is making for her. It contains too much unhealthy (for unhealthy, read: sweet and yummy) stuff for a player in training, so Dana protests, but Lara (who's got a great new hairstyle for this season - makes her look even sexier, IF that was humanly possible!) has a cunning plan which will allow her girlfriend to eat said recipe *cue them trading rather sexy kisses while they say the following:

L: "with your metabolism, and the workout I'm about to give you, you can indulge in my little breakfast Souffl'ee"
D: "oh I can?"
L: "uhuh..."
D: "workout, hmmm?"

Ohhhhh and then Lara pushes Dana back against the kitchen worktop, and bowls of ingredients go flying and so does my imagination. ;-)

But we cut back to Alice (DAMMIT!) who is still banging on bitterly, about Lara, "the larcenist, Lara the liberator, Lara the, the......new TRUE LOVE of Dana"

Bitter, much?!

She comments that Dana needed "closure with Lara" and then pops some sort of pill and ends her rant.

OOOOOOK. Alice is obviously NOT loving Dana being with Lara now. Even an idiot could see that.
Oh and COULD Alice have used MORE L words in that scene?! Methinks she's been watching this show in her spare time ;-)

But I just have to say, HOW sexy were Erin Daniels and Lauren Lee Smith in that kitchen scene!!!!!!!!!!!! A-hummina hummina! ;-)
When Lara said "you can indulge in my little breakfast Soufflé", I'd have crawled over broken glass to eat it for her! Jees that girl's voice is sexy as hell! *swoon*

Please excuse me while I spend a little time in Lara-land. :-D

Ok, BACK NOW! And on with the show!

So far it's Alice with the bitter and Dana/Lara back together. I wonder what else is in store for the viewer.....

Cut to: possibly the cutest thing in the world!
A bunch of parents sitting around in a circle, with their babies and toddlers, being lead by a guy with his guitar, singing a song that goes like this:

"Hello, to Lola, so glad to see you!
Hello, to Pierce, so glad to see you!
Hello, to Angelica, so glad to see you!"

Oh it's totally adorable, and Angelica is adorable, and cute and Bette is even cuter when she picks her up in the air when her daughters name is sung! BLESS! AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Then a toddler in a yellow dress and bunches rolls into the middle of the circle, and for a brief moment, acts everyone else off the screen, before rolling back out again! lol! Kids, eh! GOTTA love 'em! ;-)

The song ends and the cuteness factor drops below critical for a moment as Guitar Guy goes and gets a box of instruments for everyone to play in the next song.
Bette takes this opportunity to lean over and whisper conspiritorally in Tina's ear, "TRY AND GET HER THE TRIANGLE TODAY!", to which Tina replies meekly, "ok".

The nanosecond Guitar Guy puts the instrument box down on the floor, everyone's on it like a pack of toddler group vultures!!! lol!
Bette pounces, going for the jugular (well, the triangle actually....), but is beat to the chase by a nice guy with a serious-looking baby.

Bette (on seeing Nice Guy has the triangle): "OH! I was just looking for that!"
Nice Guy: "Oh I'm sure there's more...."
Bette: "No there aren't THAT'S the last one...."
Nice Guy: "Sorry"
Bette: "Asshole!"

Er, what frikin' planet is Bette Porter ON!!!!!!!!!!????????
It's a frikin' children's musical instrument he beat her to for heaven's sake, not the last children's life jacket on a sinking ship!!!

If that scene is anything to go by, Bette hasn't mellowed AT ALL since last season! Control freak MUCH!!!!!!!?? Sheesh! Take a chill pill woman!

Plus, naughty words like "asshole" really aren't the kind of thing to be throwing around in a toddlers musical activity group!
Foreshame, Bette Porter, foreshame! Go to the back of the class and think long and hard about your behaviour!

Tina and Guitar Guy both notice Bette's little outburst, but Guitar Guy tries to hustle everyone along for the next activity - "Dance in a circle time!"

Let's hope the circle is perfectly round, or else Bette is likely to have a hissy fit.

As everyone is walking/dancing round, Tina takes the opportunity to apologize for her partner's behaviour to Nice Guy. He's gracious and asks about Angelica etc, with Tina explaining that she was the birth mom, even though Nice Guy expected that to be Bette, as they look more like mother and daughter etc. Tina goes on to explain that they are due a visit from the adoption people, so that Bette can legally become Angelica's other parent etc.
Cut to: Kit.
Is it my imagination, or is Kit/Pam Grier is looking a little puffy in the face? Hmmmm...

Kit's at the doctors, and guess what? The doctor is her SON!
She's getting checked out for something that crept up on her when her father started getting ill. The symptoms she describes to her son include heart palpatations (I wonder if she's been looking at Lara..... *weg*), shortness of breath, inability to concentrate etc.
(Yep, definitely sounds like she's been looking at Lara.....)

Her handsome MD son tells her not to jump to conclusions and says he'll send her for some tests etc, as she's probably been overdoing things, what with helping her sister out with Angelica etc.

Cut back to: Bette, handing out invites to Angelica's "6 month" birthday party at the toddler group. "It's an excuse to have a party", Tina tells Nice Guy. *note to self: pencil in my '33 years, 6 month' birthday party for June...*

Bette comes over just as Nice Guy leaves and enquires why Tina invited him to the party, cause he's straight.
Ok Bette, now just calm yourself luv. You swore in front of toddlers and now you're displaying some rampant heterophobia, so let's just step back and take a reality check shall we girlygirl?!

Tina, quite rightly, grills her girlfriend about why she wouldn't want Nice guy attending said party and Bette offers up the fact she thinks he's too square and suburban. Gee, Bette's a snob AND a bigot! Her girlfriend points out that SHE herself was from the suburbs.

Bette crowbars herself out of a hole by turning her attention to Angus (Guitar Guy) and asks him to come play at Angelica's party.
Tina is immediately at her side with a look on her face that is pure: 'hey, we never discussed Angus playing at the party!'.
If she's not careful, Bette's gonna end up on the receiving end of a divorce or an affair before the season is finished, the way she's going.

Guitar Guy gratefully accepts, as it turns out he's a struggling musician who'll take any chance to play for a living.

Cut to:

"I am power and beauty, emanating the warmth of the sun through a heart as deep as the ocean" says a new agey woman.
"Are you sure it's not 'POCKETS as deep as the ocean'?" bitches Helena.

Seems our Helena has gone to see a Tarot card reader. Oh how 'L.A.'

Turns out Miss Tarot is rather spot-on with her reading, and claims Helena HAS bought a movie studio (which she HAS done), will get a new love interest who is bisexual and an artistic type. This new love will be a woman, who will "stand back to back" with Helena then "face to face", whatever that may mean.

Oh, and she drives a blue car and is a brunette!

Blimey! You mean to tell me she DOESN'T know her bra size, family history and favourite colour AS WELL!!!??? tsk tsk ;-)

Helena looks astonished and then we cut to:

Bette and Tina in a therapy session with Yoko Ono.
Oh, my bad! It's NOT Yoko Ono, it's some woman who's a sex therapist. Seems Miss Porter and Miss Kennard are trying to put the spark back in their sexual relationship.

As usual, Bette is taking charge and suggests Tina (or "Momma T" as she so nauseatingly calls her) takes a seat while she goes and gets some material for the next 'exercises'.

Yoko The Therapist is appalled at hearing the pet names they have for each other and sits down to inform them that:

" 'Momma T' & 'Momma B' DO NOT make made passionate love to one another. They make COOKIES" . Hmmm. Point taken ma'am.

Seemingly Tina has to do these "sense aid exercises" naked, at home, wearing a blindfold.

Tina, decides immediately that that is NOT something she's gonna do. Personally I think she should jump at the chance, cause wearing a blindfold during sex can be kinda fun and verrrrrry interesting. Er, not that I'd know. Er, someone told me that. Yeah, that's it - someone told me that. ;-)

Tina says she'd feel ridiculous doing that at home with Bette, but Bette says she shouldn't feel like that because A) she's her life partner and "would-be lover" and B) she finds Tina beautiful.

Lil tip for the future Bette: always tell her she's beautiful FIRST, before adding anything else. Ok? Goooood. ;-)

T: "you can't possibly find this big, ugly scar and my sagging stomach and my leaky nipples beautiful!"
*cue Yoko The Therapist looking on, sighing and wondering what on earth she's got herself into with this dysfunctional dyke duo*
B: "you can't tell me what I can and can't find beautiful!"

Then Bette decides this is not just about Tina feeling tired etc. She thinks Tina is still punishing her for what happened before (i.e. the affair Bette had) and she blabs that to Yoko (who she calls "Dr Farber"), like a child telling tales on another.

Could Bette Porter BE any less mature!!!

T: "I am NOT punishing you! I'm exhausted! I'm up half the night with Angelica!"

Dr Farber wisely interjects right then to cut off the tit-for-tat and suggests trying something else instead, venturing into her Cupboard Of Delights. (Said cupboard contains what looks very much to me like dildo heaven)

She gets out some high quality chocolate body paint which she hands to the pair. They look at each other as if to say, 'hmmm, nice idea but......! "It's too expensive!" whispers Tina. Oh boy.

"Or, how about the Hot Sex Ice Cube Kit!?" trills Dr Farber.

Bette and Tina look like the Doc has just handed them a wet dishcloth. Their enthusiasm knows NO bounds, and Tina enquires "what do you DO with the cube kit?"

Dr Farber tries her best sales pitch: "One of you takes a cube in your mouth and lets a little water drip on the other's clit, on her nipples......"

The Doc quickly realises she's playing to a tough crowd and ends with, "one of the big problems of lesbian sexual dysfunction is aversion to oral stimulation..." (Is this true?!!!!! WTF!!!!) ".....and THOSE - pardon the pun - are a MAJOR ice-breaker!"

*groan* Even Bette and Tina roll their eyes at that one! lol!

"OR, if all else fails...." continues Farber, "try a little...........HUMOUR!" and as she turns round we see she's wearing a red foam clown nose!

LMAO! LMAO! ROTFL!

I dunno about any of you guys, but adding humour to your sex life is a wonderful thing. Er, not that I'd know. Er, yeah, the same person told me that who said about blindfolds........

This scene is really hilarious, cause Dr Farber then sits down and asks when they put their daughter to sleep each night and she carries on talking with the nose ON! lol!

If I ever need a sex therapist (heavens forbid!) I definitely want HER! ;-)

It seems our girls don't put Angelica down at a set time (bad, in my opinion), don't have a crib (WTF!) and are practicing "attachment parenting", which basically means that someone always has to be in contact, bodily, with their daughter. (I hope they don't mean they let her sleep with them in bed, cause they can be so very dangerous....)

Dr Farber removes her nose (*g*) and enquires, as Angelica isn't with them, "where is she right NOW?"

Cut to: The Hotness That Is Carmen, passing Angelica over to Dana as they all sit around a table in The Planet. Awww bless! :-)

Angelica is just supercute as Dana tells everyone her parents have pretty much accepted her lesbianism in "their own way".
"They don't try and fix you up with guys anymore, so that's good" adds Lara. Dana agrees.
The Hotness That Is Carmen chimes in that coming out to a Mexican family just doesn't happen. And Shane teases her for staying in the closet. The Hotness That Is Carmen calls Shane "sweetheart" (AWWWW!) and says that it's not about being in the closet. It's that certain things are just understood and not questioned in her family. She gives an example thus:

"I have this Uncle Poppy. He borrowed his sisters' prom dress one year and what he did with that prom dress - we don't know! And guess what - we don't ask!" It's all very cute and funny and friendly and sweet. Shane looks tanned and gorgeous, Lara looks superfine (ok I won't go into that AGAIN! lol!) Dana is adorable holding Angelica and then in come Bette and Tina, fresh from their therapy session, discussing words they each use for 'down there'. And no, I DON'T mean Australia.

Tina thinks "clit" is a "little graphic".
Bette asks if she has a problem with "cunt"?
T: "well, it's not my favourite...."
*Boys On The Side flashback anyone?!*
They walk up and sit down with everyone at their table. Honestly, the language Angelica has been hearing around her 'Mommy B' would make her Grandaddy M turn in his grave!

Tina says she likes the word "pussy". Don't we all luv, don't we all.
The Hotness That Is Carmen agrees, and Shane berates them for using bad language in front of the baby.
Dana doesn't know what they're all going on about (as usual! lol!) and so Bette explains Tina not liking the word "clit" and/or "cunt".

"Oh my gawd, I love the word "cunt", I find it totally hot!" says Lara.

Excuse me while I melt!

Bette asks Dana what words SHE uses, and Dana looks like a fish out of water, her mouth working but no sound coming out! lol!
Shane saves her by adding quickly, " 'pussy' works for me"
" 'Beaver' is also fun sometimes, and I like 'twat' " agrees The Hotness That Is Carmen.

May I just interject here for a moment, to let everyone know that NO MATTER how "twat" is pronounced on the show, it SHOULD be pronounced "TW - AT". Like CAT. And NOT "twaaaaat", like "cot". Cause, basically, it makes everyone who says it like that sound UTTERLY ridiculous. Honest! Take it from me. I never lie. I'm a poet, after all, and us rhymey types are sticklers for grammar, punctuation and pronouncing things correctly! ;-)

"Actually", adds Carmen, gazing longingly at Shane, "I REALLY like twat....you know that", Shane agrees and they do a little cute necking. Bless :-)

Tina, informs us she grew up "in a world of euphemisms, 'naughty bits', 'down there', 'oh no, don't touch your "no-no" '...." LOL!.
My mother also had her own special word for it, but I'm not telling you folks what it is. No siree bob. (But it rhymes with "pluckety"!)

Dana agrees she was the same as Tina when younger, and starts listing her names for it, when all of a sudden in the background, The Bitter Fairy arrives, in the shape of Alice.
"Then you came up with "peeper!", adds The Bitter Fairy to Dana, "peeper, peeper, peeper!"
She hunkers down between Dana & Lara and continues in the same vein:

"Peeper, peeper, peeper!
Touch my peeper Al!
Nobody touches my peeper like you do!
Oh look what happens to my peeper when it touches your peeper!
It's a wet peeper!
It's a wet wet peeper!"

Understandably, this little rant from The Bitter Fairy makes most of the gang incredibly uncomfortable, and forces Dana & Lara to leave. Alice watches them go with a satisfied grin on her face, still, "peeper!"-ing.

Tina tries to cheer up "Aunty Alice" after she sits down by saying hi through Angelica - again, utterly cute!
Bette simply enquires what Alice is on now and she replies by listing the meds she's taking. These meds have side-effects - including Tourettes.
That explains the "peeper" monologue then.....

Tina says it's ok and that EVERYONE is stressed out.
Bette mentions about their social worker visit.
Shane ventures her contribution: she's going with Carmen to meet her family.

And have dinner with them.

AND she's going to act STRAIGHT.

Everyone then agrees Shane and Carmen's stress situation wins out and it's all great fun to watch.

Cut to: a Yoga class.....

I could transcribe all the Yoga lingo to you, but really, do you NEED to know it all?!
All you need to know is that Alice is there, and bursts into tears mid-move.
Helena (yes, HER) who's next to her, tries to comfort her as they continue the class. Seems Alice isn't reacting well to the meds she's been taking and her moods are all over the place.

I could also ask why on earth Alice is going to Yoga classes with Helena, but really, do we NEED to know that?
Well, I SURE WOULD like to know the story behind it, but alas, we don't find out.
Instructor Guy tells them to partner up and go back to back, linking arms, taking turns lifting each other over each other's backs.

They do as instructed, and Alice continues her weeping. After being back to back they turn and do the face to face move and suddenly Helena has an epiphany, recalling what Miss Tarot had said earlier and realizes she and Alice were back to back then face to face.

Her and Alice disappear down out of shot, doing their exercise, with Alice looking like a sad clown and Helena looking like she's seen a ghost!

Cut to: them going to their cars after the session.

And guess what?

Yep, Alice has a BLUE car! *bu-dum-ba!* (As it's a new model of Mini, I could make a joke about it being an 'Alice 'Mini' Cooper', but as I like y'all, I wont....)

Helena tries to deal with Alice actually owning a blue car, and Alice hugs Helena and says thanks for being a good friend, but not before vowing to UP her dose of meds!
Helena just wanders off in a daze.

Cut to: Bette asking Kit (who's holding the baby yet again) to help out as they get ready for the social workers' visit. Poor old Kit, she's not a well woman y'know!
Tina rushes past with the phone, saying quizzically that the woman is here and needs "help getting up the porch steps".

Turns out the social worker is a bitch on wheels - a wheelchair to be exact - and doesn't suffer fools gladly.
She demands assistance getting into the house and says they should put Angelica down to help her.

I should tell you here and now that this basically sets the tone for the whole visit. For 'visit', read: train wreck in slow motion. But more of that later......

Cut to: Alice driving.
Erratically. (I'm digging the smiley face hair slide she's got in though. Kicky!)
Suddenly, Dana happens to drive past her, then it all goes a bit pear-shaped and very much like The Italian Job.
Dana accelerates off, after Alice shouts over to her, prompting The Bitter Fairy to give chase.
I'm thinking Alice, on double meds, in a car, chasing her ex isn't exactly the safest person to be near on the road.
Mount a machine gun on the bonnet and she wouldn't be out of place in a Mad Max film!

Dana, unsurprisingly, phones her and asks her what the hell she is doing chasing her.
Alice pauses long enough to take another call - it's Helena, in a bikini, surrounded by businessmen in suits, and she's asking Alice In Blunderland what her natural hair colour is - but is having a bit of trouble chasing Dana and conversing on a cell phone at the same time, so blurts out hilariously, "Dana's trying to get away from me! Hold on!"

As this is The L Word, Helena doesn't sound very shocked, informs her she's bought a movie studio and simply carries on enquiring about Alice's hair.
Alice In Blunderland drops her phone, swerves her car, and carries on with her dangerous farce by going back to Dana and asking if she's gonna turn off anytime soon. Dana looks at the phone, screams, and hangs up on her!

Cross The Italian Job, with any Marx Brothers film and you have yourself that scene right there with Alice in the car! lol! Hilarious, if a little OTT.

Cut to: Bitch On Wheels grilling Bette and Tina about their non-babyproofed home which is littered with "dangerous" anti-American art etc.

Bitch On Wheels would make a good Panto villian, as you practically boo and hiss at everything she says! However, she does have a point with the babyproofing thing and every parenting idea that Bette and Tina come out with in their defence sounds new-agey and really not very practical at all when you consider how easily babies can get into/under/impaled by/on/in things.

Suffice it to say, the visit is NOT going to plan.....

Cut to: Jenny.

She comes home and her mom is getting ready for dinner that evening.
Her mom (played by Margot Kidder - the ORIGINAL Lois Lane folks, YAY!) says her stepfather wants everyone to go to Shul that evening. (For those who don't have a Jewish girlfriend like myself: a Shul is the Jewish place of worship)
Jenny tells her mom she had her final therapy session early that day and her mom duely ignores her and carries on talking about dinner and who is invited that evening.

I'm glad to report that Jenny's hair ISN'T frightening (a la Season 1) and her clothing DOESN'T make me want to gouge my eyes out with spoons (a la Season 2), so perhaps, with the therapy, she's a changed woman. ;-)

Jenny berates her mom for allowing her stepfather to keep on setting her up with guys and her mom decides that Jenny's therapist is "as sick" as Jenny is.
NICE mom. If she isn't enough to send any daughter running for therapy I dunno what would!

Cut to: Latina music playing as Carmen and Shane drive up to Carmen's house.

Shane is understandably nervous, but Carmen says she just has to be herself and her family will love her.
The Hotness That Is Carmen gets out of the jeep and comes round the side, revealing her fabulous Ghetto Barbie outfit to the viewer - think Lara Croft does the Pussycat Dolls and you'd be close - while Shane gets out and fiddles with her shirt like a nervous 10 year old boy.

Bless ;-)

Cut back to: The Bitch On Wheels.

She's taking notes while Bette and Tina sit with the baby on the sofa and answer questions.
Bette explains about her voluntary art project. Bitch On Wheels interperets that as Bette being "unemployed". *rolls eyes*
Bitch On Wheels then goes off on one about where Angelica is going to get 'man' information from, if her parents are both lesbians. She even goes so far as to drift off into a monologue about "is she going to know one special man's voice? How is she gonna know what a man feels like, what he smells like, will she ever rub her cheek up against a scratchy, unshaven face......."

Bette and Tina look on, perplexed, at Bitch On Wheels engrossed in her Mills & Boon fantasy, until there is a loud crash outside which shocks everyone out of the situation!

Bette gets up to see what happened outside and we see Alice In Blunderland has crashed her (blue, remember!) car into that of Bitch On Wheels in the driveway! Alice comes in ranting about the stupid car she's crashed into, and is obviously out of her mind on meds and terribly upset and (possibly) insane and it's incredibly funny, as it's just topped off Bette and Tina's disastrous adoption visit to PERFECTION.

I half expect a wheel to fall off the social workers chair as she leaves the house - let's face it, it couldn't get any worse!

The only saving grace is that Bitch On Wheels does mention they will have a second visit soon, so at least they get another chance to impress the adoption agency. Let's just hope Bitch On Wheels is ILL that day folks, although I'm kinda hoping she comes back for the next visit, as she's really quite a laugh with her bitchy, no-nonsense manner! lol!

Cut to: Casa de Carmen.

Momma Carmen is big and jolly and just how I would picture a Mexican mother to be. (Think Mercedes Ruehl from What's Cooking?, only larger and more fun!)
She likes Shane but wonders what happened to her hair! lol!
One of Carmen's siblings offers up the explaination of "It's 'The Look' momma!" which appeases her somewhat.
One of Carmen's brothers walks past and remarks Shane's hair is "the bomb"! Ohhh, a boy with a crush on Shane! That's novel! ;-)

I have a second or two cut out here of the episode, as the next thing I know, Shane is saying "I don't believe I do..."
But they're all making small talk about hairdressers and it's a little awkward for Shane, but she doesn't look like she's going to bolt out the door or anything, so it's ok.

But then Momma Carmen asks about Shane's family.
Ooooh dear.
Shane says, "I'm from Austen, and I think my family are still there...."
For Momma Carmen this DOES NOT compute! HOW can she not know where her family are for definite!
Carmen tries to explain to her mother that Shane grew up in foster care and never really knew her parents.

Momma Carmen immediately rushes over to Shane and grabs her in a bear hug, stating "WE are your family now!" and Shane looks shocked but kinda happy about that. Bless ;-)

Cut to: Jenny, in a bar, writing. *crosses fingers and hopes against hope that we aren't gonna go all arty-farty at any moment*

Moira, (the new butch girl this season) comes and sits down across from Jenny and asks how she's doing. These two must have met before as they talk about whether Moira is gonna come to L.A. or not with Jenny and seemingly, she IS!

I have a brief thought that Jenny may have passed along her bad clothing vibe to Moira, as the hat and bodywarmer Moira is wearing is NOT the most flattering thing I've ever seen.......

Cut back to: Momma Carmen leading Shane and her daughter into another room, looking for something.

Momma Carmen wants Shane to come to the (excuse the spelling!) Quincinera they are going to have. Which, it turns out, is like a Sweet 15 party for one of Carmen's siblings. (Of which, there seems to be an inexhaustable supply. I'm thinking, Catholics? Yep....)
Momma Carmen looks around in a closet for something she wishes to give to Shane, and, if like me, you've read spoilers for the show, you'll know what's coming NEXT.

After some fun banter, Momma Carmen emerges from the walk-in closet with a white sleeveless dress in hand.

Yep, for SHANE.

Momma holds it up to Shane and our favourite lesbian tries politely to decline the offer (she MUST have plenty of dresses at home, right? *weg*) but Momma wont hear of her turning down the gift and rushes off to get her sewing box so they can do alterations.

Personally, I'd pay good money to see our Shane dolled up in a church wearing that dress at this Sweet 15 thing. Hehehehehe.....

Carmen notes that her mother really loves Shane (well, who wouldn't!) and Shane says she loves her Momma too, but begs Carmen not to make her put on the dress. However, Carmen is as sly as a fox called 'Miss Slyington' and starts kissing and slowly undressing Shane, till her shirt is off and the dress is going on, even though Shane is still half-heartedly protesting.
They're kissing and pull apart just in time for Momma Carmen to enter and see Shane in the dress. Cue spasms of delight from the direction of Momma Carmen! LMAO! Again, Shane tries to politely refuse the dress, but she's fighting a losing battle and so kinda gives up and just goes with it.
The betting on whether we'll see her actually WEARING the dress in a later episode starts HERE folks! LOL!
(Did anyone else get reminded of a young k.d.lang in her Poly Ann video, when Shane put on that dress? No? Oh, just me then....)

Cut to: Lara purring, "poor baby" to Dana as she hands over a plate of cookies she's just baked for her.

Pooey. *pouts* I want Lara as MY girlfriend. *wonders if I could get her as a gift on my 33rd and a half birthday....*

Dana tries the cookies - a little something to make her feel better after being chased by a crazed Alice - and soon cookies have turned to kisses and the clothes are coming off and my Dana/Lara happy place is all warm and fuzzy once more :-)

However, The Bitter Fairy, unbeknown to our happy lovers, is creeping around outside their house, watching them get it on!
To give her her due, Alice DOES try to stop watching, but I guess it's a little bit like seeing a car wreck as you drive past - it's heartbreaking BUT you just gotta look at it.

Cut back to: Jenny and Moira, slow dancing in the bar.

Jenny says she's going to wait till her parents are asleep before going back to the house to get her stuff as she doesn't want to cause a scene. (Which, in TV land, translates as: there WILL be a scene at Jennys house....)
They dance and talk about their plans, and we learn that Moira is into computer programming etc. (Good, maybe she can come sort out my bitch-on-a-stick 2nd PC which has decided to channel the devil recently!)

This new Moira is a very striking woman.
Angular features, coupled with a high, almost schoolboy-like voice make for a very interesting woman indeed. I hope we learn more about her as the series goes on.

She's talking about computers and stuff when Jenny butts in with a cute line, "are you thinking about having sex with me RIGHT now?"
Moira admits happily, "well, it HAD crossed my mind...." and then they start making out on the dancefloor, and for once, with Jenny, it's not awkward or weird, or silly or funny. Just nice.
And sexy.

Moira lifts Jenny's shirt and feels scars at her sides so stops and takes a look, then asks, "who did that to you?"
Jenny admits, "I did it to myself", and Moira, gentleman that she is, doesn't enquire further, and simply kisses her again to wipe away the pain for now.

Cut back to: My fave couple, still making out on the sofa. YUMMY!

If you don't think Dana and Lara making out, half-naked on a sofa is sexy, then I urge you, DO take your pulse quickly and check you're still alive.

Whilst fondling Dana's breasts, Lara suddenly stops and tells her girlfriend she's found a lump in the right one!
Dana seems unphazed though, and says it's been there forever and she's had it checked out etc.
And then it's back to the make out session. But I'm left with a feeling of dread.

Dana. Lump. Breast. This cannot be a good thing folks.

Cut to: Moira and Jenny in Jenny's room.

Moira is sat on the bed and Jenny is straddling her, presumably riding her fingers. (As you do....)

UNFORTUNATELY, all the squeaking of the bed springs, the moans and the heavy breathing has woken up mom and pops and they are coming to investigate.
They've got their dressing gowns on and they don't look too happy about it either......

Pops bursts into Jenny's room and finds them mid-shag! OH THE DRAMA!!!!
I'm presuming Pops hasn't heard of personal privacy or tact, or even the term "consenting adults".

In a fun twist, Pops doesn't even realize Moira is a woman, and yells at Jenny, "how dare you bring a man back into our house!"

"I would never do that.....I want you to meet Moira....." Jenny informs her stepfather plainly, and poor old Moira stands there, waves hi and says lamely, "Nice to meet you.......s-sorry...." after quickly putting her top back on. lol!

Warren (Pops) snaps, and orders Jenny out of the house. Jenny says she was going anyway, but Warren decides to help her along and starts emptying her bedroom drawers for her. (Again, with the personal space!!!)

"I want you out NOW" he informs his stepdaughter.

And then Jenny becomes a proper human being and not just a freaky weirdo in my eyes, as she fights back with the following:

"Actually, you've wanted me out of this house from the moment I set foot in here....
what is it Warren - am I too fucked-up for you? Am I too perverted?
LOOK at me?
Do I remind you of how messy and out-of-control your life is?!"
*Warren walks off...*
*Jenny calls to him, stopping him*
"WARREN? I'm not the girl you wanted me to be...."
Jenny's mom: "STOP"
Jenny: "NO, YOU stop!"
"When are YOU gonna start being an ACTUAL person, instead of a silent slave to this man?"
Warren: "Don't you DARE disrespect your mother!"
Jenny: "That's a privilege that's reserved for you?"
Warren: "I don't know what more we can do......"
Jenny: "There's NOTHING. There's nothing you can do for me to make me the person you're comfortable with.
Because I'm NOT gonna marry that nice, Jewish boy. I'm not gonna have those nice, Jewish kids.
I'm NOT gonna shut up and be subservient. I'm NOT gonna set the dinner table and pretend bad things DON'T happen.
Because when you DON'T talk about them, they get WORSE Warren......"

Oy vey.....

Then she turns, calmly and strongly and says "Let's go" to Moira, leaving her parents standing there aghast.

With that discourse, my respect for Jenny has jumped way high, so don't expect me to call her weird or whatever for the foreseeable future, k?

Cut to: Jenny and Moira leaving the house with suitcases and bags.

Just before they leave for good, Jenny's mom comes out and asks why Jenny is doing this to them. She wonders if her daughter is trying to punish her. But Jenny isn't about that.

They sit down on the steps outside the house and have a talk.

Jenny thinks her mother did a good job bringing her up, but her mom asks if this is about what happened to Jenny when she was little. Whether that is why Jenny turned out "this way".
They speak honestly and openly and her mother apologizes for not being there for her. For not stopping that from happening etc.
Jenny thanks her mother for finally acknowledging that she was indeed raped, and then she simply gets up and leaves.

Cut to: A disheveled Alice, coming home to an empty house, and......................

her Dana shrine!

YES indeedy folks, our Alice has become the Standard Lesbian Stereotype No. 4 - i.e. crazy stalker whack job girl.
(please consult your lesbian handbooks for a full list of Standard Lesbian Stereotypes...)

Foreshame on the makers of this show for taking Alice down this route! In my opinion, it's a cheap storyline, played mostly for laughs, at Alice's expensive, and has been done to DEATH on every other show that's ever featured a lesbian character.

I know good storylines are hard to come by, but purrrrr-lease! *rolls eyes*

Alice stares at her DanaWall of photos, and her life-size cutout standee of Dana, giving it a good punch, accusing it: "What are YOU staring at?!"

Cut to: Kit in her office at The Planet, discussing the results of her tests with her son.

He asks about her skin, mood swings, etc and Kit gets mad, asking him not to mince words and to just tell her straight what it is that's she's got! But he needs to ask her more questions, so he enquires about memory loss and THEN he goes to a place where NO son should EVER go with his MOTHER:

"Hmmm, well......what about........vaginal dryness?"

Kit just about has her eyes pop out of her head at that one!

"OH OH OH, WE DO NOT GO THERE! I am your mother and YOU are my son, and MY poonani, dry or not dry, is something we DO NOT discuss................."

I actually hurt my ribs by laughing so much at that bit! Classic! :-D

Cut to: Bette, Tina, Alice, Carmen and Shane all sitting round in The Planet discussing names for 'down there' again.

Seemingly Tina has an English friend who calls it a "front-bottom". Highly amusing, but I'm English and I don't know one damn person who calls it that! lol!

Alice, (who, rather annoyingly is PERFECTLY normal in this scene, with not a hint of the crazy about her - BAD continuity methinks) had a girlfriend who called it a "pretty pink pearl - PPP"

Bette thinks that "Yoni" is lovely.
I think Bette needs to stop with the earth-mother crap and start with the loving, caring girlfriend crap!

Alice thinks "tongue-trap" is cool.
Then they all start offering up names, and it goes a little something like this:

"bald man in a boat!"
"breakfast of champions"
"munchbox"
"wee wee"
"ha ha"
"hoo hoo"
"me me"
"fuck hole"
"Calcunta"
*at this point Kit rejoins the group, looking NOT pleased AT all*

Turns out she's found out she's got....................

THE MENOPAUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (which, I believe is so-called, due to the fact that the raging hormones it brings on makes men pause, before carefully asking if sex is on the agenda for the evening! lol! j/k!!!!)

LMAO! I knew it! Kit's entered middle-age! lol!
Everyone gives their sympathy, saying she won't have any more periods, mood swings and wont have to bother with tampons or pads etc

Kit: "But, once the monkey goes south, that's the end of it!"
(Monkey goes south!!!!???? No one told me there were monkeys involved! Bloody hell, I'm phoning my mother!!!!!)

Still trying to make her feel better, everyone weighs in with the fact that post-menopausal women are still very sexually active.

Shane: "it's true, you can still get it on"
Carmen: "you, are still gonna be doing the hanky panky till the cows come home!"
Alice: "get yourself a little, hot beef injection..."
Bette: "dip the chip"
Tina: "bang the box"
Carmen: "sweep out the chimney"
Shane: "ahhhh you can stretch that leather"
Everyone takes turns then:
"bump uglies"
"dip and dive"
"shake the sheets"
"crack the nut"
"get some skank on the hank"
"ride the baloney pony!"
Kit: "Give that dog a bone!" LOL!

And the camera pulls away and we edge backwards through The Planet as our friends sit around chatting and joking and it's just great to hear and really really sweet and funny.

And if the rest of the season is anything like this, it will be a good one indeed folks!

BUT WAIT!

Even though the titles are coming up, the show is not finished quite yet! For over the titles we have a continuation of the girls' conversation from before, about names for 'down there'.

It goes thus:

"The lips between the hips!"
"furry monkey" (or "burger monkey", as I couldn't quite catch it)
"smurf crease" - WTF, it's NOT blue!!!!
"bearded oyster"
"bikini biscuit"
"cooter"
"cherry pie"
"cat flap"
"cha cha's"
"hairy goblet" - again, WTF! lol!
"pan's pocket"
"the Grand Canyon" - good one!
"fish taco" - EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
"cream collector"
"goody bag"
"box of assorted creams" - anyone fancy a chocolate? no? hehehe.
"honeypot"
"dugout"
"love mitten" - LMAO!
"mermaids purse" - WHY, exactly?
"skinky/skeezy"
"pink velvet sausage wallet"
"noni"
"ham wallet"
"koochie"
"sweet spot"
"the power slot"
"fou fou bell"
"pork shutters" - again with the EWWWWW!
"Bermuda triangle" - honey, if you can lose stuff in it, take it from me, it's waaaaaaaaaay too big!
"crabble" - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????????!!!!!!!!!
"squeegie"
"vertical smile" - awwww!
"the vessel tube" - eh?
"monkey chin"
"chewbacca" - as a sci-fi fan, I gots to love that one! ;-)
"panty hamster"
"roast beef sandwich" - !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"camel toe!"

Annnnd there endeth the episode folks :-)

I neither know nor care who the women were in the flashback scene at the beginning of the show. (No change there then....)
But I do know that if my girlfriend ever refers to ANY part of my anatomy as a "ham wallet", she will very soon thereafter become my EX-girlfriend.

Oh and btw, my personal favourite is "bajinga". Any of you out there who are fans of Scrubs will know what I mean. ;-)


Until next week ladies and germs, I bid you adieu!

*rushes off to grill my mother about primates and directions*


This recap was brought to you by: 5am insomnia, the number 33 and the letter 'L'.
NO female reproductive organs were harmed in the production of this recap.




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