Before I start, I must warn you all that this is a frickin' GREAT episode, and one of the funniest of ANY season so far. I must also warn you that if you DO NOT laugh out loud while watching this ep, AT LEAST three times, then I'd do a quick self-examination for a pulse if I were you, cause you're either missing a heartbeat or you've had a humor-removal recently. Hold on to your funny bones folks, 'cause here we go!

We start with the usual recap from last week:

Angus gets invited to the party
Tina tells Mr. Nice Guy about the adoption visit
Bitch-On-Wheels adoption lady drawls on about "men"
Alice rants on her show about Dana's need for "Closure"
Dana & Lara and their make-out 'lump' session
Alice and her shrine Dana-standee
Shane telling the gang she's gonna act straight for Carmen's clan
Carmen's momma dresses Shane up like Catholic Barbie
Jenny celebrates Moira coming with her to L.A.
Jenny and Moira kissing on the dance floor
Moira finding Jenny's scars and Jenny admitting she did that to herself......


Fade up on: various BADLY dressed men having sex in various ways with various other BADLY dressed men in an alleyway.

I'm hoping this scene is set in the 70's, or else I will have to call the fashion police and report Ilene Chaiken's ass for polluting our screens with so much paisley!

OHHHHH thank gawd - turns out the legend that comes up reads:

"San Francisco, The Castro - 1979"

*puts down the phone, letting Ilene off the hook, THIS time.....*

Ah it's another one of our blessed episode-opening flashbacks.

A rather handsome woman walks up the alley in between all the sodomy/blow jobs etc and a handy queen observes, quite rightly, to her: "Looks like someone's swimming up the wrong stream tonight sugar..."
Handsome Woman asks Handy Queen, "I'm looking for sex..."

And I'm so bewildered by the assortment of awful outfits and preponderance of handlebar moustaches in said alley, that I almost don't recognize her as the woman from last week who seduced Miss Shy at the kitchen sink! This week she has lost her long dark hair and now sports a rather nice dyke-y cut (a little like Patrice Donnelly in Personal Best - http://uk.imdb.com/title/tt0084489/ ), making me want to run into the alley and open up a 'Get-Ur-Sex-Here' stall JUST for her!

Handy Queen still thinks she's in the wrong place, UNTIL she adds, "I'm looking for girls...."

Aren't we all honey. Aren't we all......

Handy Queen gives her directions to Sappho central which just happens to be round the corner, and Handsome Woman strides off, intent on finding what she's after.

OH CRAP.

The incredibly annoying 'ghostly echo' voice from last season is back. So Handsome Woman strides off to an annoying echo of her own voice saying the two lines she's just uttered to Handy Queen.

C'mon Ilene! LEARN from your mistakes and try NOT to repeat them, PLEASE!

Cut to: Handsome Woman finding the RIGHT alley this time and a very very willing 'girl', whom she grabs and starts doing from behind with lusty abandon! (Think last weeks sexy scene, but minus the kitchen sink)

"Fuck me, so I forget who I am!" pleads Willing Girl as we see the same 'Alice-esque' chart from last week appear on the screen. The name Teri from last week links up to someone called Toni, who I presume is Willing Girl.
"Oh Jesus!", pants Willing Girl as she gets JUST what she asked for, and the scene ends on that, and a shot of her large crucifix necklace dangling as she gets the shagging of her life.

Well, if these episode-opening flashbacks are all going to follow the same theme, with people who are linked etc, at least they'll make some semblance of sense this year. Let's keep our fingers crossed for that, and shall we perhaps place our bets on who will be the woman at the end of this 'chart-link'? I think it will be someone unexpected, like Carmen's momma! (Only kidding.....)

Cue title sequence, and me humming along, while my girlfriend sings the words in an odd OTT kinda way. Bless her heart :-)

Fade up on: Jenny and Moira driving along some back road in the country. They're playing some gory game of 'Spot The Roadkill', (I guess 'I Spy' is too low-brow for Miss Schecter) and Jenny claims to have won, but Moira protests, saying how could she spot stuff while she was also driving!

Oh I dunno, by LOOKING? Duh!

Jenny is having none of it and claims victory as her own, demanding a prize. I half-think Moira is going to reach over and give her the bunch of dead grasses (in a jar, which is sitting between them) as a prize, but she instead tells her to open the glove-compartment in front of her.

The Jen-ster does so, only to find a GUN in there!, However, it turns out to only be a Taser, which Moira explains she has only 'in case', as people can give her a lot of shit because of the way she looks. Jenny isn't liking the fact she has the Taser, but understands and puts it back so she can fish out her REAL prize: a cigar box with a little baggie of drugs inside. (Cocaine maybe? I'm NO drug expert...) Oh, and a razorblade. Which of course, as soon as she holds it, must give her bad memories of when she self-harmed last season, as she looks like she's seen a ghost. Moira sees Jenny is lost in her past so suggests they wait till they are closer to L.A. to 'do' them. Jenny, understanding why Moira said that - to pull her out of her maudlin state - smiles warmly at the other woman, and they continue on their journey.

On a sidenote: Jenny and drugs of ANY kind? Baaaaad idea if you ask me.... Mind you, perhaps if she starts taking drugs she might start talking about stuff like insurance, and getting a real job and picking out wallpaper, INSTEAD of the weird crap she was always going on about in Season 2! lol!

Cut to: The Planet, where Kit is following Billie Blakie around asking if he's sorted everything for the coming evening.
(Billie is played by the lovely bi Scottish actor, Alan Cumming - he of Nightcrawler in X-Men 2, etc.)

Billie is charming and wearing an alarming pimp-eqsue white peaked beret and seems to have everything very much in hand. Kit on the other hand, doesn't seem to have brushed her hair that day and almost seems to resent the fact that Billie DOES have everything in hand. Which is kinda odd, as she most probably hired HIM in the first place. Ah well, those Porter girls are all about the 'control' aren't they....

Billie jokes to Kit that "frankly, I'm more qualified to run this place than you are...." Kit scowls and he adds in a sing-song voice, "JOKEing!", then he oozes off, drink in hand, while Kit observes doubtfully, when he's out of earshot: "Mmm-huh, we'll see about that, Mr. Mary P!" (i.e. Mary Poppins! lol!)

Cut to: The McDonald/Wright Building Gay & Lesbian Center, which is all decked out like a huge vertical rainbow.

We hear, then see The Bitter Fairy (Alice) talking in a Love Addicts group session about why she was with "Lisa the lesbian guy". Seems she thinks she was with him so that she wouldn't get addicted to guys again. Amen sister - if anyone was enough to draw you back to women, HE was it! lol!

The Bitter Fairy picks up a pamphlet on different types of love and informs everyone she thinks she's an OLA. One of the guys in the group says he's that too - an Obsessive Love Addict - and thinks "it's the best......" Then he sees the looks of the people around him, remembers he's in a Love Addict group and changes his mind quickly to, "the WORST". LOL!

Alice pipes up that's it's her birthday this week, and everyone joins in with a chorus of "awww, happy birthday!", which kinda touches her. She thinks it would be nice if Dana would come by and give her "a little pressie, y'know, nothing big...maybe kiss my..." and then, annoyingly I can't hear what she says, cause there's a glitch in my copy of this episode! GRRR! However, from the reactions of the people in the group, I'm guessing she said something like, "Maybe kiss my ass...". If anyone knows what she said there, PLEASE enlighten me.

[editors note:  she actually says "kiss my eyelids" - the other group members show such disapproval because she's supposed to be at the group meeting to overcome her obsession with Dana, not to deepen it.]

She thinks the sex she and Dana had was "mind-blowingly-un-fuckingly-unbelieveable", therefore, she thinks Dana may just be the "one true great love" of her life. So much so that she then determinedly says: "But, she'll be back..."
*pops open her can of diet coke* "she will BE back....'cause our love, our love was TOO intense. That's all."

Cut to: outside the rainbow building, where Alice has just come out of her group session. Oh and WHAT a surprise, Helena is waiting for her (just getting out of her maaaaaahusssssive car). She's on the phone talking to her children, telling them she'll see them next week etc. Seemingly her anklebiters are going to the ballet. And there's me thinking kids like to do stuff like go to the park, or McDonalds or the movies......

Ahhh (NOW I get it!), as our two misfits meet up, Helena remarks "I wonder if most little boys get that excited about going to the ballet..."

Oh, I seeeeeeee. Her boy is a special boy. I'm thinking when he's older, he'll like the music of Liberace, watching musicals with Barbra Streisand and doing interior decoration. If you catch my drift ;-)

Yes, Helena. Most little boys DO love the ballet. And most little girls like playing with toy guns, G.I.Joe/Action Man and toy cars. Dum de dum......

And now I am going to transcribe EXCATLY what happens next between Helena and Alice, simply because A) I love you all SO much, and B) it was (pardon my language) SO fucking funny ;-)

H: "so how was it?" (meaning her therapy group)
A: "It sucked"
*they hug*
H: "I have a little surprise for you"
A: "You do?" (hopeful)
*Helena leads her to the back door of her massive car*
*just before she opens it, Alice belches REALLY loudly, causing me and my girlfriend to go into hysterics!*
A: "OH GAWD, I'm so sorry, I'm such a gross bisexual love-addict right now..."
*Helena has opened the car door and out steps a nice-lookin' lassie in a denim shirt*
Denim Lady: "Hi, I'm Janice, I know you're having a hard time right now, and I'm here to take care of you! We're an exclusively lesbian service...."
*Alice turns to Helena, curious, and asks under her breath:*
A: "Did you hire me a HOOKER?!"
*Janice looks to Helena, amused, as Helena shuts her eyes, takes a deep breath and says to her gross friend:*
H: "Alice.....it's a lesbian CLEANING service......"
*Janice turns round to reveal 'Lez Clean Up' on the back of her denim shirt*
H: "She's going to clean up your entire apartment!"
A: *to Helena* "OH. MY. GAWD. I LOVE YOU!....."
*they hug*
*as they continue to hug, Alice adds:*
A: "My apartment's so dirty right now and...."
*Janice pipes up that she's a big fan of Alice's 'The Chart' radio show and was sorry to hear about what happened with Alice/Dana and promptly joins in with the group hugging of Alice and Helena! LMAO!*
*Alice, slightly shocked that this total stranger is hugging her, says ok and just goes with it!!!*

They all hug tight for a bit, then sorta break up, get in Helena's car and the scene ends!

I CANNOT tell you how funny that scene was. Describing it doesn't really do it justice, and, whoever wrote it should write waaaay more for the show in my opinion. WAY more!

On a side note: for anyone who fancies starting up their own business, I think the idea of a lesbian hooker who CLEANS your apartment AFTERWARDS is a truly inspired idea, and one which I think would be a HUGE moneyspinner! *weg*

Cut to: Jenny taking Polaroids of Moira as she's driving her 4x4. They look at each other and Jenny observes, in her usual OTT dramatic way: "You're so fucking beautiful!" Moira, wisely refrains from replying 'yeah, and you're so fucking odd', and before she knows it, Jenny is sliding over to the driver's side, saying "I'm gonna make you cum....while you're driving....", undoing Moira's trousers and acquainting herself with what lies within.

Moira observes that her girlfriend used to "give her head" when they drove to school. I, on the other hand, observe that MY school was quite obviously in another universe to the one Moira went to.

Jenny says: "Hey lady, I'm not your ex and I'm not your girlfriend. Got it?" Moira, confused as I am, simply agrees and says, "Right" and Jenny gets on wid her little something something.

Ok, call me unadventurous, call me a prude, call me Margaret The Wonderhamster if you like, BUT, going down on someone WHILE they're driving a car is NOT to be considered 'safe sex'. (Oh, and it WILL get you disqualified if you're doing your driving test at the time....)

"OH fuck!, Shit!" says Moira, and Jenny asks what's the matter. Turns out they've run out of gas. Er, isn't that the excuse you give so you can park up and get your girlfriend to go down on you in the first place? Er... "G'wan, don't stop Jenny, don't bloob on me!" whines Moira, and myself and my girlfriend wonder what "bloob" means.
We are half-way to thinking we are even MORE uncool than we already are (by not knowing all the 'streetwise' sexual terms etc), when something clicks in my pea brain and I realise Moira ACTUALLY said "don't blueball me".

Ho hum.

And for anyone who doesn't know what that means, either look it up on the internet, or ask ME. (Cause, I, of course, know all the 'streetwise' sexual terminology.....*cough cough*)

They pull over to the side of the road and we cut to:

Janice, walking through Alice's apartment with a feather duster, flicking at things and whistling merrily. I could make a joke about a dyke and a feather duster here, but I know you all are FAR too cultured and civilized to respond to that sort of low humour......*weg*

Janice dusts away, until she turns a corner and finds - horror or horrors - Alice's DanaShrine!!! Janice is a little taken aback, stands looking at the Dana life-sized cutout for a sec and then shouts: "Alice! Do you want me to clean up around this, er, around this, er......around Dana?" "Alice! What do you want me to do with this Dana-thing!?"

Helena walks in when Alice doesn't reply and wonders what all the fuss is about. She takes one look at the DanaShrine, exclaims slowly: "JESUS.BLOODY.CHRIST!", then immediately turns and bellows up the hall:
"ALICE!!!!" Miss Pieszecki comes ambling out of the bathroom, mouth full of a cigarette, mumbling: "WHA? Wha tha fuh, I'm na defff!"

Helena is SO not impressed, and continues as if Alice is one of her non-ballet loving children:
H: "Have you COMPLETELY lost your mind!?"
A: *turning and looking at the Shrine like it was just a mark on the wallpaper* "Wha? Oh THAT...... that's no biggie..."
H: "It's a FUCKING SHRINE Alice! A bordering on psychotic, serial killer, obsessive-type shrine!!!!!"
*pause*
H: *to Janice* "Dismantle it."
A: *panics* "OH GOD NO, PLEASE, LET IT LIVE!" *and grabs the Dana standee back off the cleaner*

LMFAO!

Helena looks at her friend, appalled, and makes a grab for the standee. Alice wrestles with her for it, begging her to let her keep it! ROTFL! "It was REALLY hard to get! I had to get it in the middle of the night!" argues Alice. LOL! Finally, they both pause, and Alice gives in, confessing: "OK, you can take the shrine! Just NOT this!", so Helena lets it go and Alice stands there looking at her like a 3 year old boy who's just won a tug of war! LMAO! The physical comedy of this scene is leagues above anything we've seen since Season 1 and the "to ascertain the disposition and intent of one miss Lara Perkins" adventure. It's classic, and unbelievably, it's about to get EVEN funnier!:

Helena tells the cleaner to get a box, so she can clear the shrine stuff away. Janice picks up the nearest cardboard box, ONLY for Alice to shout, "NOT THAT ONE!" But it's too late, cause Janice has already looked in it and picks out a rather fetching (and ultra embarrassing!) pink leather gimps mask. Alice grabs it off her and Helena adds sadly, "You should be ashamed of yourself Alice....." *Alice slips on the pink mask, folds her arms in front of her and looks away from Helena, clearing wanting the ground to open up and swallow her* "....it's TIME to start getting over Dana." Taking a step forward, she stands close to Alice (quite how Rachel Shelley keeps a straight face through this scene I have NO idea!) and says earnestly:
H: "Here's what we're going to do...."
*Alice, mumbling through the mask, doesn't get a chance to finish, cause Helena reaches up like a flash and fastens the pink leather mouth strap shut! LOL!*
H: "JUST listen.....ok?"
A: *nods*

Cut to:

Alice, emptying out the contents of 'that' box, all over the table where Dana and Lara are sitting in The Planet. Out spill dildos, vibrators, underwear, and many many other naughty things, as Dana and Lara look on in shock. Alice then turns round and walks off, adding "I didn't have a chance to wash everything..."

EWWWWWWWWWWWWW! LOL!

Embarrased, Dana sweeps all the sex toy crap off the table ASAP back into the box, and Lara helps get the last of it out of sight.

Cut to:
Jenny and Moira playing soccer with a pebble cause they're still stranded and out of gas. It's nice and quite refreshing to see Jenny actually having FUN for a change. Jenny says she's gotta pee, and so walks off into the grass verge and tells Moira not to look. Again, with the prude thing, but, wouldn't most normal women look for a bush or a tree to go behind, rather than simply squatting down at the side of the road for all to see? In fairness to her, they seem to be on a country backroad, so it's hardly rush hour there, but STILL!

Moira obviously needs to pee too, and walks off a ways while Jenny squats. Jenny looks over and see Moira peeing, STANDING UP LIKE A GUY! Kinda taken aback, she questions Moira about it and her friend tells her she's always been able to do it like that, even as a kid. She even tells Jenny that when her father found her peeing like that one time, he hit her. Jenny looks sympathetic, and then they hear something coming down the road, so get zipped up and stand looking needy as an RV slows down, drives just past them and stops.

Mr. Average Joe American gets out of the RV, "Hey there fella", he says to Moira, "looks like you run outta gas."
Jenny goes to correct Mr. Average but Moira stops her and just replies "yeah". Mr. Average offers to siphon some of his gas off to help them, and everyone introduces themselves. Except Moira. Mrs. Average, complete with rollers in her hair, gets out of the RV then and offers our stranded couple some fried chicken, "if you and your husband are hungry...." Jenny accepts and follows her, while Mr. Average eyes up Moira warily, and enquires: "What'd you say your name was son?" After a beat, she replies, "It's MAX" and then they all retire to the RV for probably the oddest chicken supper. EVER.

Cut to:

The Planet, where The Hotness That Is Carmen has perched herself on Shane's knee, while they sit at the table with Kit, Bette and Tina. Shane/Carmen are acting all lovey-dovey, kissing and being sweet and even Kit observes: "You two are SOOOO hot together". Er, last time I checked Kit, you were straight, so reign it in girlfriend! lol!
Bette then observes of the two that "someone's getting a little something something" and Tina looks at her as if that were a barbed comment.

They discuss this and that and Kit mentions Billie, to which The Hotness That Is Carmen remarks that he's the hottest promoter in town and seems VERY impressed that Kit hired him. Bette informs the rest of them that Kit was thinking of making Billie her new manager and Carmen heartily approves, toasting Kit's success, if a little prematurely.

Shane mentions that they (her and Carmen are impossibly cute in this scene btw) won't be able to attend Angelica's party, cause of the (Mexican word that I can't spell OR pronounce, so I won't offend anyone by even trying) and Tina says it's fine 'cause it's just an excuse for a party, really.

WHICH is when Alice decides to walk up, with Helena in tow. Upon hearing JUST THE END of that conversation, Alice takes Helena aside and informs her that the gang are quite obviously planning on throwing a surprise birthday party for her!

OH. DEAR.

They then come to the table and Tina asks Alice if she'd like to come to Angelica's party. Alice, still under the misapprehension that THAT party is a cover for her own party, agrees willingly and even asks if Helena can come, much to Helena's embarrassment.  Bette gets up from the table and stands casually face to face with Helena, and says she can come to the party if she really has nothing else to do etc. How VERY sweet AND noble of her!  That SHOULD have been a meeting of Alpha Female against Alpha Female, but Bette simply imposed her will and sauntered off, leaving Helena all apologetic etc.

What HAS happened to some of the characters this season! Have the writers forgotten how they all behaved LAST season!? Sheesh!

Cut to: Moira coming out of a cubicle in a public restroom. She tucks herself in at the sink mirrors (what, no washing of the hands? EWWWW!) and gets grief off a teenage girl who calls her "boy" (WTF? She's older than the girl by miles!) and tells her to get out of the ladies room etc. (I'm certain that teenager ain't no 'lady') Moira informs her calmly that she's in fact a girl herself and just leaves.

Outside, Moira makes her way back to the car, and Terror Teen rejoins her friends who are sitting on a nearby flatbed.  Unsurprisingly, we hear Terror Teen moaning about how "that freak over there" (pointing at Moira) was in the girls bathroom etc, and because, obviously, all groups of teenagers wearing plaid shirts in middle America are bound to be bigoted, dangerous thugs, the lead guy decides it's time to sort out the freak/faggot. Cue all of them shouting "faggot" at Moira and Jenny's car.

Personally, I'd be inclined to shout back something like "DECENT EXCUSE FOR ABORTION!", or, "I'VE HAD YOUR MOTHER ANNNND YOUR SISTER!", but Jenny takes another route entirely with "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?"

The walking lobotomy (i.e. lead guy) strides over to their 4x4 like some sort of modern-day John Wayne and repeats that he had, indeed, called Moira a "faggot". (Which, btw, is a yummy pork meatball in the West Midlands of Britain! lol!)  Walking Lobotomy says he wants to talk (yeeeeah, right - to discuss Plato and Shakespeare I BET) and 'invites' Moira to get out of the car. When she implores that Jenny and her will just leave and she doesn't want any trouble etc, that of course would spoil Mr. Lobotomy's fun, so he uses that as an excuse and wrenches open the door, grabs Moira and wrestles her out of the car and onto the ground. Jenny tries to stop him and there's so much shouting etc that when we see jenny exit the car it seems kinda odd that she's NOT angry and yelling etc. Instead, she's very calm and cool and comes round to the side where the Mr. Lobotomy has Moira in a choke hold and states, Schwarzenegger-esque, "let her go".  Moira yells for Jenny to get back in the truck, and so Mr. Lobotomy, as he's SUCH a prize asshole, answers by telling Jenny to do exactly as Moira said, "Yeah, get back in the truck and I'll show you how a REAL man can fuck!"  Jenny (going all Travis Bickle), asks incredulously, "WHAT'D you just say?", and when Lobotomy repeats it, word-for-word, while still roughing Moira up, Jenny simply raises her arm, revealing that she's holding the Taser!

GO JEEEEEEEEEEEENNY!

Mr. Lobotomy and The Teenage Delinquents change their tune suddenly, upon seeing the weapon and he soon lets Moira go. She pleads with Jenny to come on so they can get out of there. "Why don't you gimme a call when you're ready for a REAL man, we can have some fun then..." quips Mr. Lobotomy, and, though he's walking away, Jenny, much like Thelma in that famous movie, WANTS him to get what's coming to him. "SURE DUDE, NO PROBLEM", says 'The Schecterator', and fires the Taser straight at his lame ass!

GO JEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNY!!!!

The ever-charming Mr. Lobotomy falls to the ground, writhing in pain, as several thousand volts are delivered into his system, and The Teenage Delinquents rush to help. Jenny meanwhile, saunters back to the 4x4, stating loudly so that they can hear her over the abuse they're shouting: "Oh and we're NOT faggots. We're DYKES"

Right then. Note to self: never piss Jenny off.

Cut to: The Schecterator and Moira zooming along the road after their getaway. Moira muses that she hopes that guy will be alright, whereas Jenny is a little more militant with "fuck him. Should have been a real gun..."  And they carry-on driving. The soundtrack is VERY Deliverance-esque at this point, which lends an uneasy feel to everything that's happened.

Cut to: Elton John's wedding reception party. Oh, no, sorry, my mistake. It's just Billie Blaikie done up like a Las Vegas chorus girl.

"GIRLS, BOYS, PUNKS, FREAKS, BUTCHES, FEMMES, KINGS, QUEENS, TRANNIES, TRAINEES, LADIES AND gentlemen...." he announces, "WELCOME to The Planet's first annual casino night - VULVA LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!"

oh. i see. it's a play on words. get it? vulva las vegas. not viva las vegas. oh. hardy har.

;-)

I won't bother to tell you EVERYTHING he announces to the crowd of assembled gay men and women, as it's a bit lengthy, but at one point he does introduce Carmen (the D.J.) as "cute". CLEARLY this man is as gay as a day in May, as anyone with a pulse can see that calling The Hotness That Is Carmen "cute" is like calling Mount Everest "a rather big pebble".

To describe what Mr. Blaikie is wearing is a little hard for me.  Mainly due to the fact that I'm currently running around my flat shouting "MY EYES! MY EYES!" in abject agony at the sight of him.  Picture, if you will, a reasonably trim, short-haired man of average height, wearing a white silk basque (with his nipples just peaking over the top, of course) with diamond-encrusted collar and cuffs, attached to which are two chains which start at the collar in the middle and end, one each, at each cuff. On his head we have, what looks like a headdress piece made of white and black feathers, which wouldn't look out of place on a Vegas dancer or possibly in a Busby Berkley musical set piece.
Top that off with black leather chaps and a glittery $ on each bare buttock, and you have the general effect of his attire for the evening. Oh, and did I mention the sparkly eyeshadow and makeup? Shame.... And the 5 inch high silver glitter glam rock boots he's sporting? No? Can't imagine why.... *doesn't want mention the silver hologram-effect codpiece....* He goes on about what the evening is for - including that the profits of the evening are going to AIDS Project Los Angeles - and in the end he snatches a strip of condoms off a passing bunny girl and makes an awful joke which I won't repeat here:

You see the crowd as he talks and all our gang are there, dotted around amongst the butches in their tuxedos and the femmes in their glamorous dresses.

Billie eventually winds up thus:
"C'mon, loosen up lesbians!
You wanna celebrate the snatch!
Venerate the vagina!
You wanna praaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaise the puuuuuuuuuuuuuussy!
*said like a boxing ring announcer*......"

and basically he's very OTT, lots of fun and very camp too! In short, I like him :-)

Cut to: Jenny (wearing a headscarf for heavens sake - what, she shoots a guy and comes over all Jewish?!) and Moira walking into a "typical small-town gay bar" called Lasso Lady.  Ye-haw indeed.

Cut back to: Dana/Helena/Bette etc all playing Roulette at The Planet.
Shane rather sweetly offers Bette a stack of her chips, and after some coaxing she puts them all on Shane's hot tip of "32 red". And guess what - she wins!!! LOL! That at least makes her happy for a bit, until Alice butts in offering free dental dams, and throws some at Dana and Lara. Looks like The Bitter Fairy is back folks!

Cut back to: Jenny and Moira having drinks in the bar.
The waitress comes over with their tequilas and then they look over to the dancefloor where some fat guy seems to be having a manic episode! This program can be just SO goddamn weird sometimes..... This bar scene is kinda drawn out and more than a little dull, so I'll just give you the potted version: they get up and have a look around.
Jenny orders more drinks and meanwhile, Moira catches the eye of a cutie by the dancefloor, goes over to her and they start slowdancing. Jenny gets her drinks, sees Moira dancing with this other woman, downs both the tequilas and marches over to the pair, exclaiming to Moira she wants to leave, and basically drags her out of there.

Cut back to: The Planet, where Bette is asking her sister (who is all done up like a posh barman) if she's seen her son anywhere yet that evening. Kit asks her what she thinks of Billie and all Bette can muster is "well, the place IS packed", which is Bette Code for: "I'm a controlling snob and I don't like anyone who lowers the tone of the vicinity I'm in."

Cut to: The Blaikie in question, who is introducing "Elvis and Ann-Margaret!!!!"
For the 90% of you who have no idea who the latter one is (neither did I till I looked her up on wikipedia.org) Ann Margaret was often referred to as a sex kitten and the female Elvis, and also starred alongside Elvis in - wait for it - yes, you've guessed it, Viva Las Vegas!  Oh the puns! Oh the humanity!

Elvis and Ann-Margaret turn out to be a rather fun duo (for Elvis, think a woman like Ivan from previous seasons, only actually singing and NOT miming, and for Ann, think a woman who looks not unlike a youthful Diana Rigg, with sexy and outrageously expressive lips!). Dana and Lara certainly enjoy their performance of The Lady Loves Me. Bless :-)

Cut to: Bette who is joined by Kit's son David.
David, as I'm sure you've all gathered by now, isn't, how shall I put it, a Liberace fan, and likens what he sees around him in The Planet to "a nightmare."  *sigh*

Bette tries to talk to him about something important, but they're interrupted by Kit who's dragging Billie Blaikie along behind her, like some sparkly kitten's playtoy. Now, I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed on the best of days, but I'm guessing David is NOT going to be impressed by a guy dressed up like Mr. Blaikie is at the moment. (Mind you, talking to any guy who has his nipples out is a little off-putting IMHO *weg*)

Kit, then makes the fatal mistake of asking her narrow-minded son, "SOOO, whaddya think?" (of the evening)
David, who is staring at Billie, replies, "I think that they're freaks and that this kinda nonsense attracts freaks to a once-respectable establishment" (Obviously no one told him that The Planet WAS run by a woman who was married to a guy, had a girlfriend/wife AND was seeing another woman on the side then? No? Didn't think so......)

Billie, upon hearing David's sentiments, quips, "y'know what, for a minute I was seriously considering shagging you...but you're not a very nice fellow, are ya" (Btw, Billie called David something like "Mr. Izod" in that sentence - anyone know what he means by that?!)

[Editor's Note: IZOD is a preppy clothing brand - most known for the popular polo shirts w/the little alligator patches on them that were very popular in the '80's]

Bette introduces them then, and Billie learns that Not Very Nice Fellow is in fact his boss' son.
"Enchanté then, DARK STAR" adds Billie, swapping David's blatant bigotry for some faux-racism of his own.

Nice one Billie ;-)

Kit introduces Billie then, as her "new manager" and this must be news to Billie, as he is clearly delighted, hugs her, gives her a kiss and tells her she won't regret it.  Once Mr. Blaikie wanders off (with his buttocks displaying those sparkly $s of course! LOL!) Kit turns her wrath on her offspring: "David, don't you go passing judgment on him.
That man has done more for this community....." Bette, amazingly, butts in then to DEFEND David, saying he has a right to his opinion!!! What a two-faced, controlling, snob of a hypocrite Bette Porter can be! OBVIOUSLY 'cause she wants something from David, she's trying to stay in his good books! RIDICULOUS! Kit carries on her flow then: "It gives me GREAT joy to see these people in here LAUGHING and PARTYING and living the life they love and loving the life they live....and I can see that YOU just can't get down with that, can you!" When David agrees that he can't, Kit grabs his beer out of his hand and David takes his leave of them.  Bette reminds Kit that she needs David to be there when the adoption Bitch On Wheels comes by again tomorrow, and Kit agrees, but she's still fuming with her bigoted son and says she'll talk to him later about it, but for now she has to go calm down. She even calls her son, "SUCH AN ARROGANT LITTLE PRICK!" LOL! You go girlfriend! ;-)

Cut to: a grotty motel room, where Moira is asking Jenny "are you gonna tell me what you want? Or are you just gonna sit there acting all weird and silent?!"

Methinks Moira has pegged Jenny good and proper there ;-) lol!

Jenny asks, all confused, "what do you mean? 'what do I want'?"
M: "I mean, you say you don't wanna be my girlfriend, and then you got all weird (nooo? Jenny? surely not...) and jealous-girlfriend on me back there!" (In that bar)
J: "It was....it was fucked up..." oh THAT explains it then *rolls eyes*
M: "do you wanna be my 'outlaw girlfriend' Jenny? Do you wanna be my friend? Do you just wanna be my fuckbuddy on the road? Whaddya you want?????"

Jenny, who is lying on the bed like some sort of faded 50's movie star, thinks, props her head up on one hand and says "I want you to get up against the wall...."
*Moira pauses, then does so*
"Now unbutton your shirt..."
*again, she does so*
"open...."
*again, compliance on Moira's part*

Then Jenny gets up and comes over to her. They stand close and start kissing. It's needy and hot and quite sexy, until Jenny opens her mouth again, and instead of saying something like any one of us would say, she comes out with:
"Tell me you want me to fuck you, then NEVER let me fuck you...."
*more kissing*
*Jenny tries to push her hand down inside Moira's pants*
Moira stops her firmly and says "no....I can't.......sorry", then goes over and sits on the bed like a 10 year old schoolboy who's been caught doing something wrong.

Jenny says she's sorry, and Moira tells her to "c'mere, c'mon" Jenny comes over and sits down next to her, and they just sorta hug. Awww. Sweet :-)

Cut to: Bette and Tina asleep in bed.
Steady folks, this ISN'T a sex scene!!! lol!

Bette is laying awake in her jim jams, worrying about everything, weeping and Tina seems to be asleep.
"Tina?.....You awake?"
T: *very sleepily* "uhuh...."
B: "I'm scared..."
T: *very sleepily* "It's ooook baby...."
B: "What if I can't adopt her?....
what if I can't find a job that I really love?....
what if we lose the house?....
I feel like....I feel like I don't have any control over anything....
I mean, I don't know what's going on with us, if it's all the changes, and.........
Tina?
Tina?"

But, quite obviously, Tina IS back asleep again. Cause she's a new mom, and she's knackered as all new mothers are.

Y'know, Bette is great and all, but sometimes she just doesn't have a clue. You DON'T talk about incredibly important issues, or worries you may have in a relationship in the middle of the night when either of you is asleep/half-asleep and won't be listening properly! ANY fool knows that!  And, as to her concerns, I shall deal with them swiftly thus:

what if I can't adopt her? - then you bite the bullet and fight it to the top if you have to!
what if I can't find a job that I really love? - then you do what the rest of the population does and take a job that pays money but that you don't necessarily WANT to go do every day!
what if we lose the house? - then you move to a smaller place, OR, conversely, sell your huge house NOW and downsize, thereby removing the threat of losing your home!
I feel like....I feel like I don't have any control over anything - that's cause you're actually a NORMAL human being under all that Alpha-Female, power-dressing, head-of-the-art-gallery, snobby, hypocritical crap!!!

If only the woman could come down a cloud or two and live on Tina's level, I'm sure she'd be much happier and more grounded etc.  Oh well.

Cut to: The Morning After The Fright Before, and Moira has her bags packed ready to leave the motel.
Aren't motels great! We don't have them much in Britain and I think they're kinda nifty ;-)  Mind you, I think, most American stuff is nifty. I should've been born in the USA y'know - grew up on a diet of Sesame Street, Cagney and Lacey and DC comics. Oh and I say "math" instead of "maths", which really annoyings one of my friends who's a school teacher ;-)

[Editor's observation: Wow, is that really how you say it?? I thought you guys saying "maths" was some kind of young-person slang thing... like calling your parents "rents" or uh, I can't think of a better example... Is that really the proper way over there?? I seriously don't get it...]

Er, where was I? The story of me? Er, no. Oh yeah, the reviewcap.....

Turns out the scene with Moira and her bags, also has Jenny coming out of the room and picking up HER bags too.
Er, what was the point of that scene ACTUALLY Ms. Director? I'm thinking the word "filler" and I'm NOT best pleased I can tell you!

Cut to: Kit goo-gooing at Angelica in her babyrocker.
Seemingly David thinks Kit isn't taking her hormone treatments properly. Kit says, "Oh I heard you! I'm supposed to take Progesterone to help me with the 'crazies'. But what are YOU gonna take to help you with your bigotry?!"

OOOOOOOOH nice one girlfriend! Go get him! lol! ;-)

David eventually asks to know why he's at Bette's and she gives Angelica to him and starts to explain her (sly) plan about them needing a guy around (and he's it etc!), but they are interrupted by a knock at the door!  Turns out the Bitch On Wheels is early, so Bette blurts out to David why she invited him there. Personally, I think she should have asked her nephew properly, BEFOREHAND, about this, and not at the very last minute when he's been invited over SOLELY for the purpose you had in mind. 'Tis a bit rude, isn't it. Bitch On Wheels didn't need help getting up the porch steps this time, as two burly men from over the road helped her up there. THAT seems to have put her in a good mood, so let's keep our fingers crossed shall we folks!  Unfortunately, whole continents of people could cross their fingers and it wouldn't help Tina and Bette today, cause as soon as Tina introduces David to Ms Bitch On Wheels, David pronounces that he can't help them cause he doesn't "believe in gay adoption".

D: "I think a child is best raised having both a mother AND a father, and I think that she'll suffer later on in the absence of traditional family values, so I'm afraid it would be hypocritical of me to stand here and voice for you......"

Well, he may be a bigot, but at least he's got more integrity than Bette had earlier in The Planet when she was trying to excuse his homophobia etc.

"....especially in front of a Government official. *looks at Bitch On Wheels* Sorry. Was nice to meet you ma'am"

Bitch On Wheels hears this, and immediately fancies the pants off David. You can see it in her eyes!  Let's hope they get married, move to Alaska and never EVER have any children.  "Well, I'm glad to see SOMEONE in your family has proper respect for the Government" comments Bitch On Wheels, and thus the train wreck that is her second visit is over, with Bette looking like she's about to cry.

Cut to: scenery passing by, palm trees and buildings, until we cut to:
Bette, introducing a work of art to someone which is called 'The Ultimate Patriot Act'.  Said art piece is made up of 6 huge posters, arranged landscape-style on the wall of an office.  Each poster is of a woman who gradually goes down on another until she's eating her out. (In the fifth poster it seems there's a tiny US flag sticking out of the other woman's pussy, but I digress)

Had I known THAT was a patriotic act, I'd have become far more proud of my country (or should that be CUNTRY?!) YEARS ago! ;-)

By the by, Bette mentions the piece is by "a Guerilla Girl", and I'm suddenly thinking of a large monkey, carrying a dolly and pushing a pram with pigtails in its' hair.  Perhaps it's the insomnia.  Well, I HOPE it's the insomnia.....

We then see who it is Bette is showing this piece to, and I'm overjoyed to find it's Ann-Marie MacDonald! Yay! She kicks ass! I love her!  (for those not in the know, she's the one who played the geeky, bespectacled bookstore owner in Better Than Chocolate!)

Bette says Tina hates the piece they are looking at even though Bette loves it. She thinks her partner should support her in everything she does. Just how high ARE Miss Porter's expectations anyhoo? Gees!

Julie (Ann-Marie - I've no idea who her character is supposed to be! Don't think she's been in the show before? Anyone?) asks how Bette and Tina are doing. BAD idea. Bette comes up with a list of things that suck about their relationship and how awful her life is at the moment etc Then she snaps out of it and returns to her sales pitch (I'm presuming that's what this is?)

Julie: "Have you TALKED to Tina?"

Bette neglects to mention that she has, but ONLY in the dead of night when Tina isn't really awake and therefore cannot judge her weaknesses and worries..... Bette cites the fact that they've seen "three different therapists in three years" and makes that sound like loads! When in fact, anyone who has ever been to a therapist for any reason will know that it can take a while to either feel comfortable with one, or to even FIND the right one!

Julie asks Bette if she's heard of Mark Epstein. Bette asks if he's an artist, and Julie goes on to tell her about him and that he's giving a talk that evening. Seemingly he's a psychiatrist, eminent Buddhist philosopher and author.
Blimey, how does he find the time to breath with all that going on! ;-)

Btw, I'm too am a psycho, a philosopher and an author. I'm not eminent though. 3 out of 4 ain't bad though, right? *weg*

Julie urges Bette to go see this guy talk. Let's see if she goes shall we folks?

Cut to: The Hotness That Is Carmen, lounging on the sofa.
She calls for Shane, but no Shane appears. "Come out!" cries Carmen, and a ShaneHead appears around the door, but NOT very far.

What could be going on here I wonder?  Ohhh I know, I think I spy the strap of a white DRESS!  Hold onto your sides folks, cause this next bit may make you bust a rib!

Carmen urges her out so she can see her, and so Shane eventually steps out into full view, wearing the white dress from last week which Carmen's momma gave her.

Shane is A PICTURE!

Long lanky thin legs, baseball shoes with the laces undone, pretty white sleevless dress, messy ShaneHair and the most CUTE ShanePout EVER!!! LMAO!

Y'know when you have to make little kids go to a wedding and the boys have to dress up in the posh clothes, when they're used to running around in any old thing? Well, think of the kind of face they make when they have to do THAT, superimpose it on Shane, add a dress and some Converse and you're THERE! LMFAO!

"I feel like a piñata" moans Shane.
"You're too small to be a piñata, but how about the top of a tranny wedding cake?!" adds a clearly enchanted Carmen.
"You're NOT helping me!" whines Shane.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry baby, that wasn't funny was it...."
Awwww bless! These two are just toooo cute sometimes! LOL!

Carmen comes over to help and looks at the dress properly. She gives Shane a hug and starts kissing her neck, asking, "does this help at all?"
"No" says a still pouty Shane, "nu-huh"

So Carmen leans in and says softly into her ear something that sounds incredibly sexy, cause it's in Spanish, and Spanish makes me weak at the knees, cause it reminds me of Agent Monica Reyes from the latter series of The X-Files, who is played by Annabeth Gish, and I'm SOOOOO totally in love with Annabeth Gish! hehehe!

We get a very close up shot of Shane and Carmen nearly kissing and Shane asks, "what does that mean?"
Carmen whispers into her ear the amazingly sexy translation:
"I'm gonna lick you till you cum in my mouth a thousand times....."

aaaaaaaaaahummina hummina hummmmmmmmminnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaaaa
Please excuse me. My brain is set to FRITZ.  ;-)

They start kissing and it's nice and sexy and hot and Carmen feels under Shane's dress (now THERE'S a line I never thought I'd ever type! lol!) and pulls it up, only to reveal Shane is wearing Y front pants! LMFAO! On discovering this, Carmen remarks, "OH!", Shane slaps her hands off and away and pushes her dress down like a pouty schoolgirl after a naughty gust of wind! It's so comical it's just laugh out loud funny! This ep is SOOO loaded with humour that I hope this doesn't mean they've skimped on the funny in later eps! eep!

"What are we gonna do about the shoes?" questions Carmen.
Shane: "wha?"
C: "You can't wear those shoes, you're gonna have to change them!"
Shane: "NOOO!"
C: "YES, stay here.....I'm gonna go get you a pair of cha-cha heels...."

Yep, cause THAT'LL work! LOL! ;-)

Poor old Shane is left there pouting, waiting for her fate like a condemned woman *weg*

WARNING! Danger of death-by-laughter is imminent with the viewing of this next scene! WARNING!

Cut to: The door opening at Bette and Tina's to reveal the Alice and Helena have arrived for the 'party'.
Alice looks nice in a green dress, and she's smiling and it's all good. She sees the small boy who opened the door to her and bends down saying "Hi, who are you?",
"Roland" he says sweetly....
"Are you the clown?"

And it's then that, in our flat at least, there were 6 straight minutes of hysterics!

Followed closely when I pressed play again by Alice's reply:

*Alice smiles knowingly* "I'm the BIRTHDAY GIRL Rowland.................."
*she looks around and sees nothing but children and fizzy pop drinks and toddlers and absolutely NO evidence of a surprise party for HER and it quickly dawns on her....*
"And YES, yes.....I AM the clown, yeah......"

*Cue more hysterics in our flat*

until I undid pause and Roland wheels rounds and sets off running out of shot, bellowing:
"MOM! MOM! THE CLOWN'S HERE!"

*HYSTERICS UPON HYSTERICS*

Eventually, we get to see Alice and Helena enter the house, with Helena rubbing Alice's arm in consolation.
Bless.

And, if you can't make out JUST how funny that whole scene was by my description my apologies. But when you do eventually see it, you'll laugh till you can barely BREATHE ;-)

Cut to: Shane and Carmen arriving at her momma's house, while everyone is having their hair done and getting ready for the Mexican Catholic Thingy Beginning With Q Or C Which I Can't Spell For Toffee.

I ADORE the way Carmen's momma says Shane's name! It comes out sorta like "Jane!", as there doesn't seem to be a "sh" sound in Spanish! lol!

Momma Carmen is getting her hair done and tells everyone who Shane is. We get a wider shot then and we see Shane standing there

IN THE DRESS AND A PAIR OF CREAM PUMPS/COURT SHOES!!!!

ohmygawdineverthoughti'dseetheday! lmao!

There's some cute banter among the Mexican ladies about what happened years ago before THEIR Catholic Thingy Beginning With Q Or C Which I Can't Spell For Toffee, then Shane asks if Carmen was good before HER'S.

Everyone answers that Carmen was "always an angel" and was the nun's favourite.

Hmmmmm, if only the nuns knew what she got up to NOW eh? ;-)

Then Momma Carmen pops out of her chair cause her hair is done and announces it's Shane's turn! LMFAO!

GOD it's so funny! Shane starts backing away and saying politely "no no it's ok!", but the look on her face is more like a lion is coming after her than a Mexican hairdresser! ROTFL!  Carmen leads her over to the chair in front of the mirror with a reassuring "it's ok....it's ok.... as if Shane's going for an operation or something, and on the way there our fave hairdresser in a dress manages to topple over on her high heels!  There's SO much comedy gold in this episode and most of it is such a joy to watch that I do hope everyone who is reading this will get to watch it VERY soon :-)

"Jane, your hair is a little uneven - do you want me to cut it straight?" asks the pretty Mexican woman doing the hairdressing...
Shane, as if she's been burnt, jerks her head away from her clutches and begs, "NO! no! Thank you.....I think...er...." and we can see that neither Shane NOR the hairdresser has any idea what to do with Shane's barnet (hair) to make it presentable for the Catholic Thingy Beginning With Q Or C Which I Can't Spell For Toffee! lol!

Cut to: Helena, coming to talk to Bette & Tina in their kitchen at the party.
"We have a bit of a disaster on our hands....." she intones...
Bette thinks she's talking about the fact the food isn't ready and people are starving etc!

But noooooo....
"Actually....it's Alice......she was under the misapprehension that this was a surprise birthday party for HER" continues Helena.
"SHIT!" says Tina, "It's Alice's birthday! I forgot!". "Me too!" adds Bette.

Poor Alice, meantime, is sitting herself down in the living room, looking as bored as a vampire at an Anemics Convention.  Bette and Tina look over and see her and then look down at the cake that Bette is currently adding "Happy Birthday Angelica" to, and.....

Cut to: Angus playing his guitar at the party, with kids dancing in front of him having fun.
THEN
Cut to: Alice picking up a fruit juice box out of a bowl of iced drinks, then chucking it back in, disgusted (that it's not a double vodka presumably!) mumbling "who d'ya have to fuck around here to get a beer!".
The three moms standing behind her, all carrying babes in arms, aren't impressed with Alice's little outburst, so she mumbles an apology.
Awwww

And THEN it's time for CAKE! YAY!
(what? no jelly and ice cream? what kind of frickin' party IS THIS ANYWAY! I want my jelly!)

Out comes Bette with the cake into the throng of children, through the throng of children and over to Alice.
"Happy Birthday!" says Bette, and we see that she's added "and Alice" in iced letters to the cake, under Angelica's name!!!  Alice LOVES it and it's so utterly sweet that both myself and my girlfriend went "AWWWWW!!!"  LOL!

Alice borrows Angelica from a nearby mommy, holds her up and blows the candles out with her.  Everyone goes "yaaaaaay" and has lots of fun!

Cut to: Meanwhile, at the Catholic Thingy Beginning With Q Or C Which I Can't Spell For Toffee, Shane ISN'T having so much fun.

Momma Carmen comes over calling for "Jane!" (sometimes it sounds like "chain!", but "Jane" sounds much funnier! *g*), and we see a woman in a white dress with long wavy dark hair, sitting at a table with her head in her hands.

And, when she looks up and round at the sound of her name being called, we see it's SHANE!

LOL! OH.MY.GAWD.

She's had hair extensions put in, and she looks - well, she looks, like

A GIRL! LMAO!

Anyhoo, she's not having a ball, and it's about to get worse, cause Momma Carmen is bringing over a nice Mexican guy (Luis) for her to dance with!

;-)

Momma Carmen practically pushes them both out onto the dancefloor and right that minute I want Momma Carmen as MY Momma, cause she's so adorable! lol!

I'm slightly perplexed by the fact that Shane has no trouble dancing with Luis. Wouldn't she be wanting to LEAD? ;-)

"What's up Luis?" says Shane, making conversation to pass the time.
"I love her" replies Luis
"Who's that?" wonders Shane.
"I love CARMEN" enthuses Luis, and everything gets just that leeeetle bit more interesting at the party for Shane! ;-)

"I love her since I was a leetle boy, but she only see me as a friend. Maybe you can talk to her for me? Mercedes says you're her best friend. You could tell her I love her and that I'd be good to her...."
Shane, still dancing with Luis, looks over at her girlfriend talking away with some relative and says carefully back to him,
"Y'know, Luis, maybe these feelings you have for Carmen.....maybe they're not the same for HER"

Poor old Luis hangs his head in sorrow, and just then, the object of his dreams comes along and asks if she can cut in.  Only she starts dancing with SHANE and NOT him.

Poor Luis. It's really not his day, is it folks.

So our two fave girls are dancing together and the conversation goes something like this:

S: "Isn't this a little risky?"
C: "I didn't tell you that in the Latino culture, it's ok if two girls dance with each other. It's not exactly 'queer'."
S: "oh, you left THAT part out, huh?!"
C: "YES! I did!" *laughs* "I love your hair!"
*both women dissolve into giggles at the ridiculousness of it all*
S: "You owe me"
C: "I know..."
S: "You're welcome"

Awwww, there's soooo cute together! Almost makes you wanna barf! LMAO! ;-) Nah, only kidding.

Cut to: Bette clearing up after the party with Angus and Tina.
Tina says they want to ask him something, and goes on to mention they were looking for a nanny (eh? aren't they broke? in danger of losing the house? was I just dreaming Bette laying awake and worrying about that?!) and they know Angus was looking for part time work, so......

He agrees happily and it's a done deal.

Er, call me stupid, but, do you REALLY think Bette, let alone Tina, would trust her child to a NON qualified guy who they ONLY know cause he plays guitar at their local toddler group????!!!!  *shakes head*  Sounds like a crowbar plot move to me. Tsk tsk.

Alice appears, thanks them for an "awesome birthday", hugs them and says "and I don't think I thought of Dana for, like, 47 minutes....that's GOOD, right?" and Bette/Tina agree.

Cut to: oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhh....
Dana and Lara in the BATH!

MMMMMMMMMMM! ;-)

Dana is leaning back against Lara in the soapy soapy suds and Lara mentions that Dana is really tight (her muscles) and asks her how her day went. Her girlfriend replies that her trainer has been working her really hard", blah blah blah and then Lara asks what the Doctor said.

Dana makes a 'oh crap I forgot' face and owns up that she didn't go.  Turns out Lara had had to promise to cater an event JUST so that this Doc would see Dana as soon as possible, plus Lara reminds her of the fact that after 30 you should go get examined every year for lumps etc.  Lara is stroking Dana's hair and it's a lovely scene, even though we pretty much know what it's part of leading up to in the eps to come :-(  Dana moans that she isn't keen on seeing a male doctor, as she thinks it'd be weird for one to be "looking up my woodle!"

Ok, add "woodle" to the list from last week folks! lol!
Lara adds that she should just go see a lady doctor, and so Dana says she'll go call Bette & Tina's lady doctor the following day.

Cut to: Jenny and Moira walking up to yet another gay club.

THIS time, however, they are going to one that has a "bear night" on.

*rolls eyes*

Moira thinks it'll be fun, so they go in.  As soon as they're in the place, Jenny says "This is GREAT!"  Er, Jenny, it's a club FULL of hairy, tubby MEN for heaven's sake!  They get down and dance, have a great time and then we cut to:

Shane, BACK - thank goodness! - in traditional ShaneMode. i.e. white vest top, messy hair, men's underpants, smoking a cigarette.

*breathes a sigh of relief*

It's after the Catholic Thingy Beginning With Q Or C Which I Can't Spell For Toffee, and her and The Hotness That Is Carmen are relaxing and having a beer.  Carmen mentions that EVERYONE in her family loves Shane, and that even her Momma adores her!

Well, who WOULDN'T! ;-)

Shane says she "loves them too", and she's hugging Carmen from behind, all sexy, and adds, "but I wonder how much they'd love me if they knew I was fucking their daughter..."

LOL!
C: "ooooh, well, I wonder who's going to be doing the fucking tonight, cause YOU looked pretty girly in THAT dress!"

Shane is kissing her neck and cheek and we pan down as she gathers up the bottom of Carmen's dress and lifts, to reveal suspenders etc

"Well, you're looking a little girly YOURSELF there..." she adds.

We get a wider shot then, as Carmen reaches back and deposits her beer on the table behind them, coming back up with the remote for the stereo.  She moves away from Shane and starts dancing sexily around in front of her, while her girlfriend looks on appreciatively.

Oh, and did I mention I am very appreciative of this scene too?! Hehehe! Mmmmmm....

Carmen ends up back where she started, with her back to Shane, but then bends over dramatically!  Shane leans down over her and undoes the zip on her dress, kissing the skin that's revealed.  Carmen stands back up and shucks the dress off, revealing JUST about THE sexiest set of ladies underwear that I have EVER seen in my young life!

Picture it - lacy black bra, lacy panties, lacy suspender tops, ALL on The Luscious Hotness That IS Carmen.

A-HUMMINA HUMMINA HUMMINA!

Katherine Moennig, you lucky lucky bastard! ;-)

Carmen straddles a knee as Shane pulls her close where she's still leaning (on the edge of the table) and then they are kissing and falling backwards onto the table and it's SO damn sexy - sexy music, sexy women, sexy sex! - and then Shane's undoing Carmen's bra.....

and then......




THE FRICKIN PHONE RINGS!!!!

Shane, sensibly, mumbles for Carmen NOT to answer it, as she's kissing her to within an inch of her life!
But, *whimpers* Carmen says it could be an emergency or something and totters over in her heels (and supersexy underwear) to answer it.

NO FAIR YOU EVIL WRITERS/DIRECTORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT was probably one of , if not THE hottest scene EVER in the show and YET AGAIN we don't get to finish a sex scene between women on The L Word!

What IS it with the people who make this show?! HUH!!!

Season 1, we had more straight sex shown than lesbian sex.
Season 2 we overdosed on lesbian sex.
Season 3, there's barely been an eyeful of lesbian sex!!!!!

NO FRICKIN FAIR!!!!

I'm writing a letter to my MP to complain.  Or Ilene.  Or, or, or, someone!  GODDAMIT!

What's worse is, it's JENNY on the telephone!  *rolls eyes*

Cut to: Jenny and Moira talkin' to Carmen on a cell phone, while they are making up their beds in the back of Moira's truck.  Ahhh, sleeping out under the stars eh?  Well, I'd MUCH rather we'd carried on with the Shane/Carmen scene than this! GRRRR!

Carmen asks if they're ok, and Jenny says they're fine and just taking their time getting back.  She also says that Moira will be returning with her, so Carmen asks if Moira is her girlfriend.  Jenny, cutely, asks Moira "Excuse me, Moira? Are you my girlfriend?"  Moira shrugs and Jenny says chirply "we don't know" in reply.

The Shane/Carmen sexy lovefest was cut short for THAT scene!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??????  AWWW C'MON!!!!! That's CRIMINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cut to: Bette, in an audience, listening to that guy give his talk, that Julie told her about.

Cut to: a close-up on a laptop screen, where we see user, Lindsey76, talking to some guy called DaddyOf2 in a chatroom.

The chat goes thus:

DaddyOf2: I'm hard.
Lindsey76: I thought this was a meeting room for friends to talk?
DaddyOf2: No one talks this late. Tell me what you want.
Lindsey76: I don't want this.
DaddyOf2: Yes you do. You want me to fuck you.
*the camera starts to pan up the hands/arms of the person using the laptop, and we all suddenly play the guessing game of "OOOOH, WHO could it BE!!!???"*
Lindsey76: I don't know. I'm not sure. It's not really why I'm here.
DaddyOf2: My cock is hard. Tell me you want me inside you.
*the camera still pans up and up, up the arm, to the shoulder*
DaddyOf2: Hello? Are you there?
*pause*
Lindsey76: Yes. I want you to fuck me.

And it is THEN that we see the person typing as Lindsey76 is

Tina.

I'm saying nooooothing.
Till next week folks.
I'll leave you to think about that.



NO long wavy hair extensions were harmed in the production of this reviewcap.


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