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Has it really been a year already since the lesbian dramarama that IS The L
Word graced our screens with Season 3....
Doesn't time fly?!
This Season 4 opener packs a LOT into its' 51 minutes, so I hope y'all have
the stamina, cause it's blink-or-you'll-miss-it time folks!
Your pilot today will be Ilene Chaiken.
The exits are HERE
*points to the off-switch on the screen*
HERE
*points to the off-switch on the computer*
and HERE
*points to your own brain*
In the event of a real-looking lesbian crossing your screen, emergency
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling and you will be carted off to the
nearest mental hospital.
PLEASE enjoy your flight with The L Word Season 4...
Fade up on:
A frenzied 'previously-on' montage of clips, in no particular order.
There are far too many to go through one-by-one (what do you guys want from
me? - BLOOD! lol!) but the main bits concern Shane and Carmen (of course),
the disintegration of Bette & Tina's relationship, Kit & Mangus falling in
love/getting pregnant, Max's 'transition', Jenny and her new Frenchy girl,
Alice talking about connections and The Chart, Shane going to meet her Dad,
Carla (his wife) and her step-brother and then standing Carmen up at the
alter.
It ends with how Season 3 left us - Bette going off on the run with
Angelica.
Ok? We all caught up now?
Gooood.....
Fade up on:
We're underwater.
There's seaweed.
We move through the weed (what is this? More arty farty openings to the
show?!
Mmmm, JUST what we need......) and then we see someone suspended, possibly
treading water.
A couple more looks and it's obviously Shane, fully clothed, sinking........
Oh dear...
Fade up on:
OPENING TITLES!
"this is the way that we, way that we liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive and
loooooooooooooooooooooooove!"
Note to all those Marina fans present: Karina Lombard IS in the opening
credits as a guest star!
Fade up on:
The hotel in Canada where the sexiest woman on the planet was SUPPOSED to
have married the coolest woman on the planet at the end of last season.
Oh well, we can but dream (and, of course, write hot and steamy fanfic....)
Kit comes into Alice's room where she's busy packing.
As they discuss Lara, we find out she's taken a job at a 4 star hotel in San
Francisco.
Awww, no more Lara for me then :-( *pout*
Alice mentions Dana *sigh* and both her and Kit refer to Alice/Lara's fling
as 'The Lara Thing'.
Alice realises that being with Lara was "kinda incestuous", and I guess it
was, but it was hot too and I for one will miss it.
But then, I always miss Lara when she's not around, no matter WHO she's
boffing ;-)
Alice says she's ready to go home and get on with her life, then Jenny and
Max enter.
Jenny wants them to hurry things along as her new bit of fluff (Claude) is
leaving soon.
It turns out that they're all going to take part in an intervention!
Yippee! I liked the last one of those we had on The L Word, didn't you?
(Remember, Bette and Tina were accused of being dull & too settled etc...)
Helena enters and says sorry for being late. She was just settling up the
bill.
Max says perhaps they should all chip in (now that Helena's had her
bottomless wallet shredded by her mother!) and as nice as his intentions
are, I'm pretty sure the combined annual income of ALL the people now
assembled in that hotel room couldn't cover the bill! After all, booking 15
rooms at the Fairmont Chateau in Whistler, as well as everything else Helena
threw at the wedding would come to a figure almost guaranteed to make
Solomon blush.
Luckily for Helena though, it seems the bill was taken care of in advance.
Phew!
(Somehow I can't imagine her having to wash years of dishes in the hotel
kitchen to pay off the outstanding! lol!)
So, back to the intervention.....
Alice calls Bette's cell phone and all the gang sit around to leave a
message for her.
They all tell her they love her and Alice makes a point of mentioning they
stand by her.
A couple of them encourage her to bring Angelica home and then they all tell
Bette they wont let anyone or anything take her daughter away from her.
They even say they'll talk to Tina.
Helena: *optimistically* "Tina's just......Who knows! Tina might just..."
*in bursts Tina to the room, continuing Helena's sentence*
"....CALL THE POLICE AND HAVE YOUR ASS THROWN IN JAIL AND RUIN YOUR GODDAMN
NEW CAREER..."
*Alice wisely replaces the receiver BEFORE Tina finishes off her tirade*
"NOT TO MENTION THE REST OF YOUR FUCKING LIFE!"
I dunno. I'm just guessing here, but I think Tina is not best pleased.
Alice adds "Tina, that was kinda stupid, she's NOT gonna come home"
Tina yells at them all, asking where Bette is.
She grills Kit but she doesn't know where her sister is anymore than Tina
does:
"Well, you can tell her from me that if she's not in L.A. by the time I get
back I WILL call the police,
and when they find her, I will take my daughter AWAY from her and she will
NEVER see Angelica again,
YOU GOT THAT!!! YOU TELL HER THAT!!!"
Tina takes her worried-mother/bitch-on-a-stick routine and leaves everyone
sitting there speechless.
Cut to:
Angelica playing with her food while her other mommy talks on her cell phone
to Joyce Wischnia, trying to find out the worst case scenario when it comes
to what Tina will/can do.
She refers to her ex-girlfriend as a "hypocritical monster" and states that
"no one is taking MY family away".
Methinks Bette would NOT be someone you'd want to cross when it comes to her
family.
Blimmey!
Bette even talks of going to Mexico if she has to!
Just then she gets another call. It's one of her colleagues from her new
college job.
She lies and tells them she's just having a last minute trip with her
daughter before starting work on Monday.
Just before going back to her call with Joyce she shouts to no one in
particular in the cafe they're in:
"CAN I GET A SIPPY CUP!? DOES ANYONE HAVE A SIPPY CUP!! Jesus!"
LOL! Ah Bette, see, lying doesn't make you a better person, just a more
tense mother.
Cut to:
Shane, fully clothed, stumbling out from the rolling surf.
Once out of the water she feels in her pocket for her cell phone.
Realizing her waterlogged phone is now useless she turns and hurls it back
into the water.
(I wonder if fish can get good reception/call price tariffs/kicky new phone
covers...)
Trudging up the beach in a bedraggled manner, Shane reaches a beachfront
property where a woman lays on a chaise lounge with a cute little white dog
by her side.
The woman yells at the top of her voice for Shane.
Oh joy, it's Cheri Jaffe.
She throws a towel at Shane and asks her where she's been.
Shane doesn't answer so she grabs her by the trousers and pulls her down on
top of her asking saucily when Shane's gonna "fuck" her cause she's been
"waiting all day!".
Annoyingly there's a glass ashtray or something on a table in front of them
that TOTALLY blocks our view when Cheri starts snogging Shane, but it
doesn't last long anyway, cause our favourite lesbian lothario really IS NOT
in the mood.
"Fucking relax for a second" spits Shane, sitting up.
"You crazy little freak" answers Cheri, taking a sip of wine.
Oh they are SO not the couple of the year.
Just to help matters, Shane then ladles out some coke (the drug, NOT the
soft drink) and proceeds to snort it all down like an elephant at a watering
hole.
Cheri takes the pause in proceedings as an opportunity to belittle Shane's
decision to marry Carmen, referring to her as:
"that ridiculous little bouncy, cha cha twiglet".
MEEEE-OW!!!!!! lol! Jealous much?!
How DARE she refer to the GORGEOUS SEXINESS THAT IS CARMEN DI LA PICA
MORALES in such a fashion!!!
I'll rip her self-centered, rich-bitch-faced-troll eyes out and use them as
Martini olives!!!!
and don't think I won't either ;-)
Shane also comes to her ex's defense:
"You don't know her....You've no right to say that about her"
Cheri simply lays back and chuckles at her 'crazy little freaks' choice in
women.
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