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Btw, just as a public health announcement, it's really NOT wise to go for a
dip in the sea, fully clothed, and then snort cocaine, WITHOUT possibly
drying off and having a stiff hot drink first.
And NO, I'm NOT speaking from personal experience there.
(I don't know about emerging from the cold sea and snorting down coke - I'm
far more likely to emerge from a nice hot bath and gulp down Pepsi!)
Cut to:
Helena and Alice coming down an escalator.
Helena can't see her driver among the many waiting, holding personal signs,
and so Alice informs her she already cancelled Helena's driver.
"You did what?!" asks an indignant Peabody Jnr.
They haul their luggage off the carousel (actually, ALICE hauls THEIR
luggage off while Peabody Jnr just sits there looking regal) and discuss
ways to get home.
Helena wants to take a limousine.
Alice says no.
A taxi?
No. (would cost almost as much as a limo...)
A bus?
Alice says a bus wont go to Broadbeach Malibu.
(Oh and can you even IMAGINE Helena on a bus! LMAO!
"Er, driver?! Oh driver?! My house was back there, I think you missed it!"
lol!)
Alice informs her they need to take an airport shuttle.
"FINE! Just show me where I have to go!" announces Helena, swanning off with
ONE small item of hand luggage.
Alice quickly yanks her back and gestures to ALL their luggage.
"PORTER!" yells Helena.
"NO!" yells Alice, cutting her off, then adds:
"C'mere! There's this THING, and er, it's called a 'luggage cart' "
Helena's expression is PRICELESS.
I can't quite make out if she's trying to comprehend the words or what she
has to DO with the luggage cart (i.e. push it HERSELF!!!) OR if she's
formulating slow and painful ways in which she can murder her mother for
putting her through this ignominy.
It's quite clear that where Alice was the comedy supplier of old, it's now
going to be Helena and her newly-poor ways, trying to adapt to the world
which will furnish us with muchos chuckles this season.
I say, BRING IT ON! lol!
We'll have her eating out of a tin of baked beans in a week! ;-)
Cut to:
Jenny and Max entering the studio at home.
Jenny starts to unplug Carmen's DJ gear.
It seems that she wants to clear it all up so that when Carmen comes back
she can just pick it up easily.
Max thinks it's not right to do that so soon.
Jenny says that what Shane did to Carmen was awful.
Max agrees it was bad but thinks Jenny should forgive Shane.
"I have" says Max, sagely.
He goes further and says that he's forgiven Jenny too.
"What?! What the fuck do you forgive me for?!" questions Jenny sharply.
Max admits being a jerk since being on testosterone but reminds Jenny she
said she supported his transition.
"I DO support your transition....we just don't go together anymore" says
Jenny, dropping her bombshell.
Max says he understands and that's why he didn't make a big deal about Jenny
getting together with Claude.
Max still wants to work things out with Jenny, but she in turn tells him
that as HE identifies as a straight man and SHE identifies as "a lesbian who
likes to fuck girls", THERE'S the problem.
Hooooookay. Since when did Jenny decide she was totally LESBIAN? Hmmm?
Did I miss something here?!
Sure, we saw her go from straight to bi with the whole Marina thing, but
when did this 110% lesbian change come over her?
Hmmmmm.....
Max isn't happy but can't exactly change anything so slumps his shoulders in
defeat.
Cut to:
Tina and Henry who've turned up at Bette's.
They can't get in.
Turns out Tina doesn't have a key as "Bette changed the locks the day I
moved out!"
Tina's distraught and sobs that she wants her baby back.
And no, she doesn't mean the younger Miss Porter.
Tina asks over and over "where is she?!", and Henry, comforting her says,
"Maybe it's finally time to call the police..."
Cut to:
Some motel complex out back in the woods.
Bette is holed up there with her daughter.
Suddenly there's a knock on their door and Bette panics, taking Angelica
with her into the bathroom - is she going to escape out the bathroom
window!!!
However, the voice at the door isn't the police.
It's Kit.
Cut to:
Helena's, where she and her lawyer discuss the fact that she has to move out
and find somewhere else.
Also, the fact that her mother is swanning it up in Antigua!
Ahh, poor downsizing Helena ;-)
Cut back to:
The motel, where Kit is telling Angus (who's still in the car) that he
should leave for a while as Bette is too freaked out to see anyone other
than her.
Suddenly Kit has to run off and throw up.
Angus comes to comfort her and reminds her he "made that appointment
tomorrow, at noon".
They discuss it and it sounds like Kit is perhaps going for an abortion, but
you can't be 100% sure from what they say.
Angus is so sweet to his girlfriend, supporting her, telling her he loves
her and even going to kiss her, even though she just threw up! Awwww and
ewwwww....
Bette watches them from the window looking pensive.
Cut to:
Helena telling Alice she's been left with ONE credit card with a $3500
limit.
"I can't even buy a pair of SHOES with $3500!" moans Helena.
Awww, the poor love.
Shall we all club together and get her a decent pair of Dr Martens girls?
They'd last and last ;-)
Alice mentions the boots Helena's wearing as they talk are $14,000 from
Barcelona.
WHAT!!!!!!!!
$14,000 on a pair of BOOTS!
Clearly this woman will have NO concept of the financial world we (and most
of her friends) live in, and therefore the metamorphosis from sugar mommy to
frugal femme will be even more enjoyable to watch this season ;-)
Alice and Helena are SO funny together and have pretty much taken over from
the Alice/Dana pairing for comedy duo repartee.
A guy comes over and offers them more coffee.
"No thanks, I don't think I can afford it" huffs Helena.
"Helena, it's FREE" offers Alice, resisting the temptation to roll her eyes
at her friend.
Alice then has the idea that her friend could sell her $300,000 car and live
off that for a while.
However, Helena informs her that her mother had THAT taken away as well!
lol!
It seems her lawyer said she should look into getting a Hyundai (which
Helena doesn't even know how to pronounce!).
Personally I think she should get a nifty little Mini Cooper, like Alices'.
I can SO see her pootling around in blinged out Cooper!
Alice says that Helena should come move in with her for a while, as she's
been such a generous friend and that is a way for Alice to pay her back and
help her out etc.
Helena starts to well up, so Alice tells her it's going to be ok and she'll
help her through this.
"I just had no idea it could feel this warm and fuzzy being poor...." said
Helena emotionally.
LMAO! Bless her little (probably cashmere) socks!
Cut back to:
The beach where Shane wakes up coughing on the sand.
Cut to:
Jenny arriving at The Planet, only to see posters for a book signing SHE'S
going to be doing for her novel.
Alice and Helena come over acting all star-struck etc and the banter is
funny and good, like season 1 stuff.
Jenny gets her laptop out and starts talking about MySpace and
OurChart, so Helena
asks about Alice's relationship chart.
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