I have one main thing to say about this episode of the Showtime Drama 'The L
Word" titled "Lassoed Into Thinking Bette and Nadia were gonna get down with
it, or: L'Tease":
This was like watching a bunch of outtakes from a bad porn movie where they
left in all of the ridiculous pre-sex scenes filled with suggestive language
but took out all the action. And by "action" I mean that at least one human
girl is taking off her clothing. Even like--her bandana. There were moments
when I would have settled for just a woman wearing a v-neck.
OK: There were some great moments. Some funny stuff. Some good character
moments. Some cute outfits. But 45 minutes, and no sex? 45 minutes!!! Why
deny us the pleasure of 15 more minutes?
I set aside one hour of my life--my l'ennui, my own personal Lacuna, my Lost
Weekend, my LIVIN LA VIDA FUCKIN' LOCA!! ( and I mean that y'all, I mean
living the crazy goddamn life), and the most sexual action that occurred
within this HOUR occurred in the 30,000-year long promo for The Tudors, (in
which Jonathan Rhys Myers trots around like a beautiful feminine man who
seduced a lot of women with truly terrific breasts, which is more than I can
say for MAX, who actually this episode was imported from the set of "GREASE
2," slashed with a little "ROCKY 4" and hit over the head with a big box of
"Tim Taylor's Tool Time"), not in The L Word which I thought was about THE
WAY THAT WE LIVED.
I don't know about how you live, but the way I live involves 55-minute
Ugh. I just took a Vicodin and I'm eating a push-pop. Yeah, a push pop.
Rainbow sherbet flavor, and there are pictures of Fred Flintstone on the
packaging. I ain't gonna lie.
Look, I don't wanna be a hater. I mean, I want to be positive! So Haviland
(my best friend) and I brainstormed a list of ten good things about this
episode, which I will share with you as I proceed. FYI: I viewed this
episode with my friends Haviland, Heather, Tara, Lainy and Sarah. Maggie
came in for a little while too, but clearly was not totally enraptured by
the show. I can't blame her really.
1. Maviland-Pro #1: "The Tennessee Williams throwback."
Jenny is all like "STACEY! STACEY!" We all cracked up over this. Mostly
because it was funny and encouraging, because I am a big fan of Embracing
Heather: This might be better than ARSON ARSON.
Lainy: Is she yelling "Jay-Z"?
When You're Smiling, The Whole World Smiles With You
Personally, I think Bette has very nice teeth. She would be excellent on a
social networking site for people with nice teeth, it could be called
OurTeeth.com. Every week there would be a three-minute video of a Dentist in
his jammies, explaining why it was necessary for him to remove all your
teeth without putting you under which means you have to feel every iota of
pain searing through your mouth. We could call it: 'Come on, Dentist.'
Not a fan of the earrings. But this is coming from the girl who has her
bellybutton pierced and not her ears. So obviously I don't really know what
I'm talking about.
Also, why is everyone in this episode dressed like they're selling frozen
bananas in Frontier-Land, or like escorting Davy Crockett or something? I
mean...I'm not complaining. Nadia's thighs are fairly tasty, or as Dana
might say, CRIS-PAY!
(Maviland Pro #2: Nadia has nice thighs.)
This is Kinda Understandable, because they are at a cowboy party. Hot,
I think Shane looks hot here. No one agreed with me, except Tara a little
Maviland Pro #3:
Haviland: "Bette's hot silver shoes."
(Me: What? When was THAT? Let's talk about Shane's white Hanes t-shirt
undershirt! YOW! I don't need no Blahniks! Gimme 3-for-$9.99 t-shirts from
KMART and we are good to GO!)
Sara: She needs a cheeseburger.
Sara: And a milkshake.
Me: You know who needs a milkshake is Shay.