I Feel You In my Heart And I Don't Even Know You: Jenny's gonna be
late for the wedding and she needs a gift? What will she do? Adele feels
bad, it's her fault, can she help? Why yes indeed she can! Luckily, Adele's
got nothing better to do and she's eager to stop by Williams-Sonoma and get
something super-special. See Jenny, you could've harvested reader-power
earlier in your life, fo'serious, 'cause people who already like your
writing are one step closer to liking you and helping you design superfly
boyshorts and stuff. And by "helping you" I mean "doing everything, because
they're awesome and beautiful/lovely/perfect."
As they flutter out of The Planet, Jenny emotes: "You can help me pick out
Satin Slippers and tell me more about your ... experiences." Beautiful!
Perfect! Hilarious! I loathe Jenny, but I also find her very entertaining.
Always have. I feel that Adele might be the catalyst to make Jenny turn
around and become a bearable human again. Also I'm hoping they engage in
sexual acts.
*
Nothing Like The Spa at Bliss : So let's get back to the county jail,
where all the lovely ladies are showering, including Helena, who's obviously
naked, which is not unpleasant. Then Helena drops the soap. These women who
look like they probs really do eat babies for breakfast and wash it down
with five raw eggs and a scoop of Spiru-Teen start walking her way.
Lesbian Squabble #5: This is Why You Should Just Use Softsoap Body Wash.
In the Ring : Helena and Jackie
Content : Helena's innocently washing her tiny British body while
Jackie rubs soap suds all over her naked flesh and snarls menacingly at
Helena. When Helena drops the soap, Jackie & her girl head over, intoning:
"Guess no one warned her about dropping the soap." Here's the thing-- that
soap thing is for dudes. 'Cause then the other dudes can ram you up the ass,
etc. So this is totally lame. Butwhatevs. It's also kinda awesome, like,
hardcore.
And the Winner Is ... Helena! Why? Because Bunny steps in. She's in
her towel with her arms crossed like she's about to break someone's skull
open with her shnoz. "She's with me," Bunny says. And Jackie, because she's
not as hot as Bunny, is like, ok, but you better keep an eye on her. Bunny's
like, conveniently enough, she's my cellmate, and therefore she's the only
fucking person I can look at all day, but thanks for the tip!! Have a cool
summer! Stay in touch!
Eve Was Weak.
Eve Was
Weak : Aw. Poor Helena. She's so adorable. When Jackie tells her
she's gotta "click up" and tells her she's a "fluff," Helena's like: "If
someone could just explain to me what that is?" Also, p.s., Helena is still
naked. Also, she's really skinny. I mean, Helena is in desperate need of a
sandwich or two. Someone get her out of there before she starves to death,
get her some tea and crumpets stat.
"Really Papi? Really?" Award : "You're a pretty girl. It'd be a shame
for something to happen to that pretty face." (Jackie)
I made my Lesbian-Who's-Been-in-Prison, who I'll just call "J" from now on
(J is for jail!) watch this scene. She said she'd never heard the phrase
"don't drop the soap" ever before in her entire life, let alone in jail,
which's a little weird, but anyhow, she said "Yeah [redacted] saved my ass
-- that girl who made me like -- her 'bitch'? She seriously saved my ass,
because I really would've gotten my ass kicked if she hadn't like, taken me
on or whatevs. Everyone else hated me." There you have it.
*
And All The Things I Wanted, Yes, All The Things I Want, Go: This is
not the best day of Tasha's life. She tells Alice it didn't go well with
Beech -- he looked at her like she was "diseased." Alice suggests a civilian
lawyer and offers to help pay, but Tasha tells her she don't want no
civilian lawyer, she just wants to keep her job. She's not looking to
overturn Don't Ask Don't Tell. Alice doesn't understand why Tasha wants to
work for an institution that makes her deny who she is but she's trying to
understand. She really is. She's awfully compassionate and sweet in this
conversation. Supreme conflict resolution tactics, Al, and also: I'd like to
eat your hair preferably with one hand on your inner thigh whenever you get
a chance, thank you.
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