:: L O Y A L A N D T R U E :: #5.12 Recap Blog by
This is what I do: I keep score. I count the number of Lesbian Sex
Moments, Lesbian Foreplay Moments, Non-Lesbian Sex Moments and Lesbian
Squabbles. I monitor and record the fluctuation of my bisexuality on a
Kinsey Scale. I give you your weekly Kittism and your weekly Jenny Moment
and your Quote of the Week. I give you Screencaps.
[Greetings from Slicey: Just in case you're not familiar with Tegan and Sara
(and really, how could you not be) you should really
check them out. Your ears will thank you-plus, you'll understand Riese's
This week we held a massive fiesta [approximately ten attendees, not
including stuffed animals] to celebrate the end of L Word recap
season. In fact, we were rockin' so hard/requirin' so many beverages to cope
with the Shenny fallout ... that we forgot to take photos ... sooo, Cait,
Alex and I did a quick A.M. shoot. As for the others: luckily many of the
finale "party" attendants were not recap virgins, so I was able to dig up
some photos from the archive. I made a collage, look!
As pictured: Alex,
Memememe, Cait, Heather, Vicky, Zoey, Chase/Tara. And luckily, I talked
first-timers Stef and Ms. Jackson into taking photos on their own time,
which I'll include here, which'll be exciting for everyone. [UPDATE: And
Heather did a photo shoot for us too, holla!] Diana's face will forever be a
mystery to you. Anyhow, yes, the season's over, I'm so excited to get my
weekends back. It's been many months since I've innocently enjoyed former
Saturday night activities like: staying home in my room on the internet,
eating real dinner rather than a series of snacks, writing a
Sunday Top Ten
, coloring pictures with crayons with Chase in the semi-smoky-darkness while
discussing queer theory. This is the way. Is the way ...
SO Not the Way That Anybody Lives:
Alex: Come on everybody, you know the words!
[silence] Alex: Do we really have to go through this [opening song]
Riese: Yeah, we have to see whose little graphic has been eliminated
and sucked into the vortex and be sure Helena's still on the show. Which I'd
much rather do to "Closer to Fine."
1. I used "all right" when I should've used "alright" in the recap of the
last scene. I think I'd stopped proofing by that point. That will probs also
2. Since it's the last episode, your corrections will go undocumented in
this format. You can correct me anyhow, I like it when you talk dirty to me.
3. IT'S RIESE NOT REISE.
4. Thanks for reading and commenting and living loving and so forth! Don't
forget to fight forest fires, and wet your pants at work even without me.
xoxo gossip girl.
"Jesse, Perhaps You Do Love Men, You Just Need a Little Vagisil." All
About Adele, Aaron & Tina are meeting with the grown-up versions of some
assholes I dated in college who think the now major-distributor-backed film
needs a feminine hygiene product tie-in. I'd like to suggest pregnancy test
sticks or perhaps (w/regards to last episode's favorite topic:) menstrual
products. I'm imagining a post-production dub: Jesse crawls around in the
backyard, runs into Tish, and confesses she's just looking for some TAMPAX.
Just Mean Dressed Up: The suits say the movie'll never work in
the fly-over states in its current state -- you know the heartland? It's
like the line Jenny used to end one of her famous carnival stories: "That'll
never fly in Peioria." Jenny's from Peioria, I believe. Am I wrong? Who
cares! It's the last episode no more corrections, I can just be wrong wrong
wrong. Nikki Jody Cindy Pisecki McCutchen Kinard Shecter affect effect that
which its it's whose who's reeked wreaked penis vagina hot dog turkey dog
hallway airway tunnel tofu dog cat mr.piddles is dead mr.piddles dana is
About Men: The L Word's got no faith in men to ever understand
Lesbian artistic visions. I'm generally a fan of "fuck the patriarchy"
messages, but it's getting tired, Ilene needs something new in her bag
o'tricks. Or perhaps something old redeeming himself, e.g., Mark. Who?
What's that? The suits demand a more "releatable" ending -- Jesse needs to
go back to the guy. Relatable to who? Angelina Jolie? Also, that opens up a
whole new range of feminine product tie-ins, like douchebags, dental dams,
ovulation meters and Diflucan. Also, when I think "how to make this movie
appeal to everyone, not just the ladies," I think "feminine hygiene product
Make a Map of What You See: Tina and Bette discuss future housing
plans w/r/t Angie's preschool. But what really matters is how super-cute
Angelica is! She knows so many words! She just goes: "Can I honk the
QUOTE OF THE WEEK: "Can I honk the horn?"
Stef: Angelica's so bored. Heather: That makes 12 of us.
T wants to hear Mama B's
speech about Jodi: "Jodi makes art with found industrial materials in ways
that no one, man or woman, ever even thought of doing." Probably because
it's bad idea. I never thought to open a penal colony on a desert island
with no milk or juice, infest everyone with SARS, and then write a novel
about it called "Truth in Memoir." 'Cause who wants SARS? Nobody. Tina
strokes Bette's ego: "You're a great writer, you'll know how to say it,
it'll be good."
Heather: That makes one of us. Riese: Oh, Ilene.
Bette hasn't spoken to
Jodi but the curator told Bette the piece was fabulous! Oh, I can't wait!
Angelica says the word "Jodi" and Tina says they need to find a way to keep
Jodi in Angie's life, but Bette's not into that idea. Then they see Alice on
a bus promotional banner, then Sarah Jessica Parker steps in a puddle and
the music goes dodododododododo.
Riese: What is this ... it's like
Short Cuts. [pause]
Riese: One of my favorite movies which no one but me has ever seen.
Heather: I think its Grey's Anatomy.
Stef: Saved by the Bell hair, Sex in the
City bus banner, this show is summarizing so many other shows.
Heather: Oh wait, just kidding, that was totally ALF. -----------------------------------------------
London Calling: Peggy, my favorite character on The L Word,
thinks she's dying and therefore needs to talk to all her VIPs ASAP,
including her daughter Helena. And then, like a bright burst of light
through the shadows, Helena exclaims: "Right here, Mummy!" Peggy doesn't
like what Helena's wearing. It's very Tom Sawyer, very desert island.
Heather, who's missed the entire season, is asking me a lot of questions
about why they have different accents.
Yay! Helena's back!
Since when is Shane a photographer?
Cait: They pick up hobbies very quickly on this show. Riese: Fast learners, the whole cast.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #32: Woke Up With Beauty in my Bed The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-Up: "Did you sleep well?"
or Not? Oh, the etheral lighting, the glowy
sheets. The bizarre music box melody. Despite the beauty of this situation
(*cough* High Art), they musn't
linger, it's time for brunch with Phyllis. They seem quite comfortable
already, and Shane seems ... hm. Happy?
----------------------------------------------- Cait: Oh my God, Riese you totally called it!
Stef: Called what?
Riese: I said I knew she'd get a job in security, like in
Six Feet Under after Keith had to leave the police.
Stef: Oh right, 'cause she's black and gay, like Keith. Riese: Yeah it's the armed-profession - uniformed - black -
gay network, they hook each other up. Stef: She's probably
working for Keith Charles Security, which is also in L.A. Riese: I hope she doesn't get shot.
Peggy's thinks she's about to kick the bucket 'cause she got stung by a
jellyfish. I hope not, it's high time they kill someone I dislike.
Due to her allegedly impending death, Peggy needs to be sure Helena inherits
Peggy's legacy properly and is no longer wearing that outfit, living in a
shack in Tahiti, and not "taking an interest in the day-to-day." Helena's
gonna go talk to the doctors about what's really goin' on, 'cause she is NOT
paying that $75 fee to change her plane ticket back to her love nest. Yeah:
Helena's still feeling like being poor is quaint and "real," which's valid
... we'll see how this goes. I think her jeans are from Old Navy.
You Look Very Nature Today: So Shane wants to become a photographer now
-- portraiture or fashion, probs. Photography's a growth industry, not much
competition, excellent choice. What happened to hairstyling? Anyhow, first
she wants to go to school and learn things, like about how to read, how
babies are made, and the multiples-of-9 trick. Molly says Shane don't need
no school, she gots to go to WORK! She's got mouths to feed! OMG ... look
who's at brunchity brunch brunch!!
Lesbian Squabble #40: Come On Come
On Come On Don't Be So Cruel
In the Ring: Molly vs. Momma
Content: Joyce introduces herself but Molly refuses to shake her hand
'cause Joyce "tried to ruin [her] father." I'd assumed it was because she
thought Joyce's hand had just been deep inside her mother's vagina. Shane
pulls Molly aside and gives her a talking-to: that's what happens in all
divorces, if Joyce was "ruthless" that's because she's a LAWYER for
Chrissake, and her mother deserves happiness just like everybody else. Also,
Shane wants Phyllis to like her. You guys really you haven't lived 'til
you've had a lesbian date with your lesbain Mom, it's quite something. Shane
adds: "Well, if I recall, your mother wasn't too thrilled about you seeing
me, and now we're all here to eat together." Shane's a pro with the high-maitenence
brats, and digs Molly enough to take her Mom's side. She digs Molly like ...
a lot a lot.
Who Wins? Shane, what a diplomat! Actually, they could all win, but
this isn't Ring Around the Rosies. This is Ilene Chaiken's show! NO ONE wins
in the Season Finale, obviously, why else would I care? Also, Joyce looks
great today, doesn't she? Seriously.
Heather: Oh wow her hair --
Riese: Just gets worse and worse. Heather: She looks just like John Travolta in
Riese: She does. She totally does.
Heather: They should be like, OMG you looked sooooooo good in
T is for Turnblad: Kit's at The Planet, rolling her eyes alllll
up in her face over Dawn's decorator, who thinks the space has nice "bones,"
but they gotta nix that "planet" motif out front. It's like Queer Eye for
the Straight Girl . Anyhow, Kit's got her own ideas w/r/t bones:
KITTISM: "Yeah I hope you choke on 'dem bones."
Then the whole gang goes to Popeye's to find out for real. At least Kit's
moved away from gun violence. Then Helena appears, suddenly Kit's her secret
BFF. They hug like lady and the tramp, like Zach and Kelly, like Snuffy and
Big Bird. Kit explains that Denbo & Cindy bought out the Planet, but that's
no big deal 'cause OMG!: "We so missed you, we so missed you!
Coffee Talk: Helena tells Kit that Mum's in hospital and Kit asks if
she'd like to have some coffee ... y'know -- catch up, since they've
actually never spoken before. Helena agrees and adds: "and cookies?" and Kit
chuckles, like they've been doing this since they were little rabbits on the
prarie OH GIRL Kit remembers how she liked it [the coffee]. I don't know
what's more confusing -- Helena's Personality Shift #3 or the fact that this
time around, we're meant to believe Kit's been secretly chilling in her Top
Expression: "I Don't Know About That."
Shane's at breakfast with Kermit the Frog. They're singing about rainbows.
Then! Hark! Shane finds out that Molly was in the LSAT's top 2% and has
therefore snagged an internship that even The Most Ruthless Lawyer in the
World couldn't get. Now Shane's pissed because she is in the dark HE-UR. At
least she took off her sunglasses, unlike Phyllis. My lesbo Mom does that
all the time, we'll get inside and she'll be like, "Marie! Why didn't you
tell me I'd forgotten to change my sunglasses!" and I'm like, jeez, what am
I, your sherpa.
Lesbian Squabble #41: From Phyllis
to Molly In the Ring : Shane
vs. Molly vs. Phyllis
Content: Molly thinks her scores are a BFD and is spending the summer
surfing in Honolulu with Shane. She's departing from Dock Summer Sports with
Joey Potter , who's headed for a summer sailing adventure with Pacey
Witter. Run Dawson run!
-- Riese : Since when has
Cait: Kate Moennig surfs. Heather : Hey, it's not a
Riese : It's a lifestyle.
Cait: Also Shane is not real, and Kate is real.
Riese: They pick up hobbies quickly. She's got ADD real real bad.
* Shane wasn't informed that her Big Surfing Trip took place during the
same semester as Molly's Supreme Court internship. Phyllis is mad that
Molly's giving up the Supreme Court for Gidget. Molly suggests: "I'm
accepting your love choices, and if you and Joyce decide to get married I
hope you invite Shane and I to the wedding. All I ask is that you do the
same for me." Who Wins? You know I'm tempted to say Molly's being a brat -- but she
makes a good point. They're both adults now -- maybe if Phyllis didn't see
herself as so entitled to tell Molly what to do, Molly would feel less
permitted to do the same in return. So ... Molly wins. And so do the
lifeguards who're gonna think Molly's really smokin' hot when she falls on
her ass. Shane is a surfer, like Dylan McKay, 'cause they're both rebel
Keith Charles Security Will Never Hire Her Now: Tasha is the worst
security guard of all time. Just 'cause it ain't Iraq doesn't mean it's
lie-in-the-grass time, this isn't the 70's, flowerchild. She's staring into
the horizon, listening to the jungle music of her ancient peoples, when
Alice appears overhead. A lot of my daydreams end this way too, we have a
lot in common. Let's do a chart of how hot I think they all are, ready?
6. Mia (not scary-skinny Mia from Season One, but new Mia)
11. Daniela Sea
How Many Fingers Am I Holding ... Inside of You?: That was fun. Alice asks
Tasha what she's doing there on the grass, and Tasha just smiles like she's
completely 100% batshit out of her mind. This girl clearly has a lot of "
" to do 'cause she's been working for so long. [Natalie: That's a line from
Office Space , for real, see link, joke starts about 1:16 in, specifically
I Want a House on the Beach And You in my Dreams: Kit's still going on &
on: Helna, they missed you so much! SO MUCH! You have no idea! Actually, she
doesn't, 'cause no one's mentioned attempting to contact her or even
breathed a word of her former existence since her departure. It's not the
same without her! Actually everything is exactly the same without her --
which, in Chaikenville, means that absolutely nothing is the same,
everything changes in just a moment. Kit jokes that she might join Helena in
Tahookawawa 'cause shit's so bad here in L.A. but Helena says it's remote,
and she's not certain she can stay much longer, she misses the Kentucky
Fried Chicken, running water and lemon polenta tarts. "It has been ca-RAZY!"
around here, Kit tells her. Then she demonstrates:
Helena doesn't understand where Dawn & Cindi came from, but Kit explains
right away: "From hell, by way of Miami." I'd give her another Kittism, but
I'm trying to do as little graphical work as possible. Plus, Jesus rose
today or something. I'm Jewish I dunno. Then something even crazier happens
-- Maidservant Cindy approaches the duo, makes lusty eyes with Helena, and
... apologizes! She's mesmorized by Helena's tan, just like we are.
Lover Cindi: "I'm sorry for what she's doing. I would've tried to
stop her but she's -- she's crazy." Dawn: "Cindi, babe, I need you to do a few things. Can you get over
Seroquel for Everyone!: Okay, if Dawn's legit crazy, this just stopped
being funny. Ilene cops out to crazy too often, it's easier to write off
Dawn as simply "insane" than to really flesh out a character -- and, if that
character is truly mentally ill, we'd like to understand how that's working,
when that started, and so forth ... like Adele, what's her damage? This is a
basic rule of creative writing -- simply "crazy" isn't interesting enough on
its own, you must do the expository work. Sigh. Ilene.
The Pressure of this Life Is So You Can't Be Held Accountable: I take
it back about Tasha being a bad employee -- in fact, she quit. That's okay,
she looks great in that wifebeater. Alice is dressed like she's ready for
her first shift at the Holiday Inn. Tasha's meeting up with some friends
from "BASIC," like JJ who used to be a cop, like Keith Charles. Tasha
secretly has a lot of friends and also seems a little drunk, doesn't she?
"I know you, you're 'Hi, I'm Alice Pisecki and you're watching The Look. '"
-Tasha's friend, Karen
Uh Huh ...
Her: Okay that is crazy! Like someone'd go up to Rosie and say "I know
you, you're 'Hi, I'm Rosie and you're watching The View," that's a very
bizarre way to claim to remember someone, like no one's ever said "Hi, I'm
____ and you're watching ____" before, like Star Jones or Papi never said
it. Alice can't join them for lunch 'cause she's got some place to be.
They're so impressed, they ask for Alice's autograph and when she leaves,
they congratulate Tasha on bagging such a big star. If only that cunt with
the clipboard could see Alice now, she'd be like "Come on this float!" Tasha
smiles, looks beautiful, she can date whomever she wants with those
The Art of Losing Isn't Hard to Master: Tina & Jenny are having a
lunch date, Jenny's asking about the movie as if she truly cares, which's
noble. Tina tells her about the distributor, Jenny says that's great, and
Tina adds that every day Niki comes over to Tina's trailer for fried chicken
and then asks, "Do you think that's how Jenny would've wanted it? Do you
think that's what Jenny meant when she wrote that scene?" Tina thinks this
means Niki misses Jenny; I think this means Niki's confused all-around,
never read the book, barely remembers the script, possibly needs Hooked on
Phonics. Tina always talks about Niki as if Niki was a puppy. Anyhow, Jenny
doesn't care, she doesn't wanna be with someone who's afraid to be who they
are: "It's pathetic." I agree.
"She has a lot to lose."
Jenny: "So do I. I don't have a career anymore. My agents just dropped
Tina: "They did? That's terrible."
Not as terrible as your SHIRT! Zoey: Definitely Forever 21.
Riese: Not even -- sale rack Forever 21. Back-of-the-store, covered in
soot, et cetera.
Knife Going In: Why's Tina sympathetic to Niki's cause? I don't like
Tina anymore. I'm taking the goldfish. She spoons Jenny some crap about how
talented she is, which's code for "I miss you, come back." Jenny wonders if
she should call Niki. I vote "no," she's allegedly dead to her, that's not
how you treat dead people. You just pretend they never existed.
And I Was SOOOOO About to Give you my ENTRAILS, Woman: It's the
"vipers don't love" scene, another classic. Niki's garbage bag is not true
to life, it was a bajillion times bigger than that, and the largeness of the
trash bag is essential to the dramatic/comedic impact of this scene.
Furthermore -- they've combined two scenes, and I believe there's a wine
bottle just begging to be thrown. And it isn't. The accent, howevs:
scene needs a wine bottle!
I Wish That We Didn't Have to Go About Things This Way: Speaking of thrown -- Adele's kicking Tina off the set
'cause Tina's loyal to Jenny. I'd be like "Holla! Afternoon off!" Adele's
become a fembot, and intones in a creepy old-movie voice, while smoking
cloves suddenly: "I can't have you on set doing her bidding." Adele knows
Jenny & Tina had lunch and knows they speak regularly. Now I feel bad for
Tina and like her again. I'm like a fish flip-flopping in the lobster tank,
whee! Doesn't Tina wonder where Adele gets this information? DOES ANYONE
WONDER ABOUT ADELE? *
Encircle Them They Need to be Taken Down: Helena tells Mummy about
The Planet Con, and Mummy suggests: "Why don't you buy it back? Every
lowlife has a price, Helena, and most likely a peccadillo or two that can be
discovered, if you know what I mean."
Riese:What's a Picadilo? Like the instrument? Stef: It's like an armadillo. Heather: It's both.
Riese: Half armadillo, half instrument.
The Peabodys' Foundation:
Actually, it means "a small sin," I looked it up. Peggy says Helena buying
out D&C wouldn't be buying the friendship -- 'cause Kit and her are already
best friends, obvs. I'm glad Helena's getting her money back, now Carmen and
Shane can get remarried. Helena's curious what makes her "dignified" enough
now to get the money back and Peggy says she's not sure, but she's gotta
leave her money to someone and can't leave it to her lasso-apsos. I spelled
that wrong, it's half instrument.
Now that I know Alice was wearing this Irish schoolgirl getup to go on a
joyride with Clea -- a fashion designer -- I'm even more skeptical about her
overall intelligence. The LAPD won't stand for these crazy kittens and issue
a ticket to poor cute Clea. They pause on a bridge. We pause to appreciate
their matching outfits. They almost kiss, but don't, and when Alice says her
relationship w/Tasha is in trouble ... well ... that troubles me. Clea's
been in her situation before and she had a "love affair" and caused "chaos
and destruction." But it's difficult to keep convictions when someone's so
sexy and smart, like Alice. The tension is palpable. Gimme a D! Gimme an O!
Gimme another O! Where's Carly with my M-E-D?!
-- Cut. Print.: Tina & Bette have a pleasant afternoon convo about first
loves, the film, Jodi's party, etc. Bette keeps looking like she's tempted
to bust into sign language. They should do it just for fun. Tina's
describing how "Jesse" was crushed by her first love, as it was written by
Jenny Shecter and brought to life on the big screen in Tina's favorite
scene. (foreshadowing, the scene will clearly get cut).
Tina: "You were my first, and I thought I would die."
Bette: "I never left you." Tina: "Yes you did. But then you came back."
Lesbian Sexy Moment #34: Be My Baby Tonight
The Players: Bette & Tina, together again like Bon Jovi.
Bette: "What is important?"
Tina: "You. Us."
* Hot or Not?: Tina's doing something I can't figure out on Bette's
lap, and Bette asks if Angie needs a baby sister. I just hope they get a
surrogate this time, or adopt a foster child, besides ... they can barely
take care of the one they've got.
Stuffed animals -- much more manageable.
Cop Rock: Tasha's signed up for the Police Academy! They're pro-gay!
Alice is shocked -- I'm sure she's thinking "Will I ever smoke pot in this
house again?" I dated someone who later became a cop and I found we had many
serious fundamental differences -- I didn't believe in the inherent justice
of the law, he wanted to enforce it professionally. This is trouble for
Make Her an Offer She Can't Refuse: Helena, still in the same outfit,
has a proposition for Cindi -- and Dawn is NOT invited to this private
conversation. Cindi's face is adorable, like no-one's ever trusted her to
discuss a proposition before, not even the door-to-door people with the
Opinions about Politics.
It's Jodi's opening ...
silly shmoozing and bad outfits all around. Jenny wants Shane to attend the
wrap party and REPRESENT though Shane doth protest, Alice is wearing
lingerie, no-one'll talk to Bette -- including Max. You know you're in a bad
way when MAX won't talk to you. Also, when you're wearing a bean-bag chair
cover from 1965:
Lesbian Squabble #42: Which of Us is Deserving, Just Look at the Human
In the Ring: Phyllis vs. Shane Content: Shane's inspecting the walls, as she so often does when in a
new room. Phyllis doesn't think Shane's worthy of Molly, who, P.S., is the
smartest person ever. Then she starts mouthing off about Bette & Alice's
opinion of Shane -- that she's never had a relationship over six months,
will leave Molly the first hot booty that comes her way, and that she left a
girl at the altar. Shane doesn't buy it but then ... she does. You can't go
there -- Carmen. Carmen is special territory. "Even your friends think
you're no good, Shane," Phyllis says. She said it'd suck if Shane did that
to her daughter -- y'know, threw her away "like a piece of garbage." This
family and their throwing-things-into-other-things relationship metaphors.
Shane says it's not fair to say that she'll throw Molly away like everyone
else cause "no one knows that until it happens." Phyllis says that most of
us possess a certain amount of self-knowledge. "If you even think you love
her, spare her, don't let her turn into another one of your heartbroken
victims." Then Phyllis makes a dramatic exit. Sidenote: The camerawork here is trying too hard. If that birdcage
isn't Jodi's sculpture, let's move it aside. I know why the caged bird
sings, it's got something to do with Ilene Chaiken. Also: Shane should stay
away from art openings and rich women, these things never go her way. It's
like a parallel to Mr. Jaffee telling her he was gonna kill her. Who Wins?: Phyllis, I guess. I think Shane might actually agree with
her ... I mean, chances are ... you know? But it's not like they're engaged,
Phyllis should chill.
But I'm Feeling it Now and I'm Feeling Anxious: Bette stands
eagerly in her insipid outfit watching Jodi shmooze her friends and give her
the cold shoulder. Jodi acknowledges her briefly before moving on to Shane,
who's now 100% on Team Jodi ("I miss you!" "Don't be a stranger!" "I didn't
know anything!") ... clearly she believes that Bette's been talking shit
Bette's speech is the standard hoo-ha: Jodi rocked the art world in the 90's
(and Bette's body in the 2000's wink wink) with her massive "sculptures" of
female body parts and domestic objects. Look, it's not the 90's anymore, no
one's wearing M.C. Hammer pants, Jodi's art sucks. Tom's interpreting the
speech. He should make stuff up to make Jodi laugh, she looks like someone
just stuck a hot dog up her out-hole:
THIS Would Never Fly in Peoiria:
Bette's trying really hard to kiss Jodi's ass, even adding what a gift
it's been to have Bette in her life as well as as a revolutionary woman in
the world of turning industrial objects into massive wastes of space. Also
I'm not a modern art hater -- I srsly do appreciate and often go to museums
full of the stuff. I dislike Jodi's work specifically, not on principle.
She says her piece is called "CORE" 'cause it's about core values --
referencing, of course, Bette's affirmation about Tina. It'd be better if it
was about the core body parts -- like your abdominals and back -- 'cause at
least that'd be useful for me. I'm working on my abs, not on my
Lesbians Gone Wild For Real: It'd seem Jodi's teamed up with Mark --
and whomever Adele's got stalking Tina's ass -- to create this work of
"art," which consists of remarkably AUDIBLE video clips of Bette saying
things like, "I love you," and "fuck me." No-one knows how to break up on
this show. You're supposed to be totally sane afterwards, so that they'll
always harbor regret and wonder what could have been if they hadn't been
such an asshole. Shit like this just makes them happy they left your crazy
This scene is one of the Top Ten Most Ridiculous Moments of "The L Word"
ever. I'd make a Closer reference, but I don't think Ilene deserves
the compliment. Here's our review:
Was there a sale on surveillence cameras? The afterparty -- which I
can't believe anyone's actually attending -- features prominent visuals of
all atendees, including Helena, who catches Dawn & Lover Cindi's eye. I love
that Helena's still in that outfit, and that Dawn's reprising her earlier
Look at Jenny's little smirk, I love her.
Lesbian Squabble #44: It's OFF Now, Bitch In the Ring: Team Planet vs. Team Denbo Content: Dawn's talking crazy about how they shouldn't've let a skank
like Shane into the bar, even though she's got a stunner of a girlfriend,
a.k.a. Helena. (She means that like "friend who's a girl") Even after
realizing who Helena is, Dawn can't contain her crazy, which means she's
lost it fo'real and should be injected with Ativan stat. Helena says Denbo
can't kick her gang out now ... 'cause now they own this place -- Denbo's
two primary investors were happy to sell out when they saw that Dawn had
wrangled them in a few inches short of a felony. But that's confidential,
says Dawn! What has Little Cindi Loohoo DONE?!!
Lover Cindi: How could I do anything when I don't have a thought in
my head? I mean, that's what you tell people ... right? That I don't have a
thought in my head? Dawn: This is the thought in your head?!!
I Am Taken I Am Hers: Helena isn't gonna take this shit! She tells
Dawn to get her dirty hands off Cindi, 'cause Cindi's ... WITH HER. I don't
buy it, but I like it anyway. Go Lover Henali! Team British Pop Superstar!
Heather is surprised!
Cindi: "By the way? The name is Tucker. It's not Her Lover Cindi,
it's Cindi Anabelle Tucker."
Carpe Diem, Dude: Then Helena & Cindi go off to dance, like Marlee
Matlin who CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC. (promo's words, not mine). Denbo continues:
"I was done with you anyway ... Bye. Bye now. Have a happy time," and then
asks why Kit's still in front of her, the whole thing is somehow hillarious,
I ROFL'ed. Kit says well Denbo can leave now. Bye now. Have a happy time.
Kit: "Or you can stay. You can do the dishes, you can clean the
floor, you've got a lot of glasses to pick up around here!"
.. and then Kit does this really strange booty dance that makes me wish I
could make little movie clips for y'all. It looks like something Tyra would
do to announce a trip to Tahiti.
Alex: And SHE CAN'T HEAR THE MUSIC.
And So Keep the Light on Before Ya' Hop Into Bed: Shane & Molly are
slow-dancing to a fast song, Shane's giving her the death grip like she's
about to leave her or something crazy. Shane, always remarkably immature in
times of crisis, goes to hit on a random girl to turn Molly off, and it
works. At least they're creating reasonable pathways to get rid of the
secondary cast instead of suddenly re-starting Season Six pretending they
Lesbian Squabble #45: Then I'm Delusional, 'Cause I Could Swear You Felt
the Same Way
In the Ring: Shane vs. Molly/Shane's own personal inner demons Content: Molly, understandably, is curious about why Shane's giving
"that girl" her phone number. Shane starts in on a reluctant schpeel about
how they had a good time but they're different and Molly's going to school,
but Molly calls her out: she knows what Shane's doing -- freaking out, being
scared -- and she won't let her, she's gotta give it a chance. Shane says
she never made any promises. Molly said Shane made a promise in bed that
morning when she kissed Molly and held her: "those were promises." Yes she's
a lesbian for sure. If that's how she feels ... chances are actually kinda
high that this truly wouldn't work out. There's nothing to turn Shane off
faster than projecting feelings onto her, even if they're feelings she has.
She's careful with her words, but ultimately that excuses very little. Shane
says "Well, then I guess you misunderstood me." Who Wins? Phyllis, again, that woman is cleaning up tonight.
Lying's the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off ...:
I think Kate's getting bored of doing this scene over and over. Shane's got
a Cherie Jaffe 'in this fucking ugly world, that kind of love does not
exist' face on as she walks away, ready to eat hearts and penetrate some
serious vag. No really, it's sad. But Molly's being a champ -- I almost
wanna say she wins for the graceful exit.
Molly: " What do girls do now? Throw their drink in your face?" Shane the Pimpalicious: "Yeah, sometimes they do." Molly: "I'm not gonna do that. You don't deserve that, you deserve
compassion. But I'm not gonna try to save you, that's something you have to
do for yourself. So good luck figuring your shit out, um, take your time.
Hopefully I'll still be around."
(Although Ilene's record with re-casting characters who've been broken up
with: not impressive.)
There's Beauty in the Breakdown: Bette's at home, sharing her
humiliation with her lady love Tina. Tina tells her to let go of her anger
with Jodi for humiliating her in front of the whole world, and Bette says
the only reason she can let go is cause she's with Tina. Probs also 'cause
of her relationship to the earth mother, Buddha, Oprah After the Show and
the occasional Phil Donahue re-run. I like that she's letting Tina be the
caretaker here. Hood of boring content and so forth.
It's No Liquid Heat Premiere But It'll Do: It's the big wrap party
and everyone's there! William gives Tina the shaft. Maybe 'cause Bette & Kit
are dressed straight off the Contempo Casual sale rack from 1994, or maybe
it's 'cause he's with Adele, Master Manipulator. I think even William's got
an All About Eve parallel. Leave no symbolic stone unturned, Ilene.
You Know We Don't Talk About that Place ... the Vortex: They ask
where Molly is and Shane acts totally nonchalant. Everyone nods,
acknowledging that we're all wearing ugly outfits, Shane's a playa for life,
all is well in the world, and wow -- isn't Jenny a piece of work, look at
her over there dancing with Begonia! JK, it's Adele. If she can't be Jenny
in life, she'll also settle for analogy.
The ladies are gazing at the PDA-heavy couple. Adele keeps glancing over.
"I can't even talk about
it, you guys." (Tina)
That's Right, And So It Goes: Tasha and Cammie are chattin' it up and
Shane didn't realize Tasha even drank so much, but Alice is givin' her some
latitude ... almost as if she doesn't care ... then she realizes she's
talking to infidelity expert Shane and requests Yoda-time ... her wishes are
Alice: "I met someone." Shane: "I knew it, I knew it! Is that why she's drinkin?"
Yoda Better Shut the Fuck Up: Alice hasn't acted on her desire ...
but she wants to. But she knows she shouldn't -- why not, says Fuck-it-All
Shane? Alice thinks should work on her relationship, 'cause "we all just let
our relationships blow up at the first little temptation. Nobody works on
their relationships anymore, we're just after instant gratification and I
don't wanna be like that." Good point; look how many've blown up since this
show started: Jenny & Marina, Alice & Lisa, Shane & Cherie, Dana & Lara,
Dana & Tanya, Shane & Carmen, Alice & Dana, Jenny & Carmen, Bette & Tina,
Alice & Uta, Bette & Candace, Tina & Helena, Helena & Dylan, Jenny &
Moira/Max, Jenny & Robyn, Moira/Max & Grace, Phyllis & Alice, Helena &
Catherine, Phyllis & Joyce, Shane & Paige, Bette & Tina again, Bette & Jodi,
Shane & Molly, ... and so on.
Fuck 'Em and Forget 'Em: Shane says they've both given it a chance --
and maybe now they've come to a point where they realize they want something
different, "and that's okay." I take that back, Shane's a good Yoda. Then
she tells Alice the whole trial thing and Tasha "giving up her beliefs" has
nothing to do with her, she shouldn't let that stress her out. Okay, JK,
Shane's advice isn't stunning this evening. I'd say: inconsistent,
generally. Although totally "Art of Happiness" oriented.
"You have the right to be happy, it's your human right to be happy ... who
And if Six Turned Out to Be Nine, I Don't Mind: The music kicks into
a beautiful litle riff of "Walk on By" with "If 6 was 9" and Bette and Tina
walk romantically to the dance floor, so happy to finally be alone and out
together -- a night off without Angelica. JK! Who knows/cares where she is,
can I honk the horn?
The ladies discuss how Bette & Tina belong together. Look Ilene, you can't
win me over with another round of "Bette and Tina are made for each other."
I need more! That's good, yaysers, gimme gimme gimme gimme more.
We're a Tough Crowd.
It's Like Second Life: Bev & Nina notice the hot lovin' going on between
Bette & Tina. They're like: "look, those are the women who's lives we've
co-opted for our own sordid Adele-soaked purposes."
Moment #35: This is Your Last Love
The Players: Tina and Bette
The Pick-Up: Um, "I'm ovulating?" They need no pick up, their love runs
deep like many oceans.
Hot or Not?: Yeah, ok.
Five Cents: Shane's now a freelance advice-giver, looking to pick up
extra clients outside. She probes her first subject: Niki. Well, Niki' sick
of all those people looking at her all the time, expecting her to perform
like some trained monkey. That's how I feel too, that's why I'm not an
actress. She's tired of "everybody wanting me to be who they want me to be."
Otherwise known as: acting. Maybe she should become a photographer.
* This Old Broken Record Song: Shane says she got ahead of herself with
Molly and fucked it up. You've got a vision of the future, Shane says. Then
it doesn't happen. Niki says it's best not to care, move on. Or you get
stuck in their bullshit and are screwed. Does Shane know what she means?
"Yeah, I do," Shane says, and they toast to not giving a shit. We all know
where this is going.
* You Killed my Movie, Now You Will Die: William blows his last chance
to exclaim "Inconceivable!" before introducing a woman he "loves and
admires" ... a rising star who just signed a three-picture deal: Adele
Channing!!! First off, Adele homos out by saying her first picture will star
her beautiful leading lady Begonia Garcia -- who she's certain they were
really after. Oh, gross, shut up.
Alllll 'Bout Adele: Adele's become a different person:she's
confident and creepy. Just this morning, she says, they've been picked up by
a distributor. She's got the lingo, the soul-free drive, she's manipulation
personified. She thanks her inspirations, but doesn't mean it. We know this
'cause she even thanks Tina, and then thanks Jenny for the "opportunity."
Oh? Who's that? Monet? No it's Jenny, stepping from the wings like a dark
angel from dark angel heaven...
JENNY MOMENT: "I didn't give you anything. You stole it."
The girls start cheering for Jenny. Kit yells : "We love you Jenny!" which
probs won't help her sanity plea, but fine. What does help is "Gretchen"
chiming in -- surrounded by her cast members, who seem to feel the same way.
We love you too Jenny! Even though you've combined a doilie with your
garbage bag dress for an all - around disaster. It's fine, at least your
tights don't have holes, you've grown up so much.
Adele faux-respectfully hands her the microphone.
JENNY MOMENT CTD: "I realize that the movie's out of my hands now,
and I hope that those people entrusted with this responsibility will honor
it. I wanna thank this amazing amazing crew, who have helped me see through
my vision. I wanna thank my incredible friends who I ... I really love you
guys. You guys ... you guys have shown me loyalty ... "
But enough of that. On the balcony; Shane's demonstrating the opposite of
Lesbian Sexy Moment #36: But It's Better If You Do
The Players: Niki and Shane The Pick - Up: The silent manatee noises of their yearning, lustful,
alternately hard and bony bodies. Hot or Not? It would be, if I wasn't so sad about it.
Jenny continues ...
"You guys have shown me loyalty ... and so much compassion."
"And friendship. And I think that's what Lez Girls is all about."
"It means the world to me, more than any other movie, or lover ..."
"Um, is Niki here?"
Some woman shouts that she saw Niki outside by the little ... something.
Bodega? Podega? Cocamo? Potato?
"I realized something really important this afternoon but ... I am madly in
love with someone. And it's changed the way I feel about ... all of us.
Thank you for putting up ... with me."
Juno sings: "I love them 'til they love me." (Not really Juno, but could
Jenny: "Niki Niki?"
"Oh my God, Jenny."
"Oh my God Shenny! OMG WTF?!"
Jenny ... to Shane: "What are you doing?"
(The answer is Niki, everyone gets a thigh, a breast, and an extra crispy
drumstick to go. Thanks for playing.)
Lesbian Squabble #46: I Bet It Stung
In the Ring: Tina vs. Adele and the Assholes Content: Tina's furious to learn they've changed the last scene. It
was her favorite, she says. They should've heard her going on about it
earlier, jeez. Aaron says Jesse never felt gay to him anyhow, of course not,
he wants to stick his hot dog down her narrow passageway. "That is so fucked
up!" Tina yells. "The guy gets the girl, the end?" She says this was the
movie that was supposed to change all that. I figured it out, Adele works
for the Fundamentalist Christians. Aaron thinks if the movie's too gay it's
gonna alienate audiences but Tina argues it's a movie about lesbians.
William says the film's full of lesbians -- chock full, actually. It's also
chock full of nuts, it should be a candybar. I like Payday bars. I'd eat one
right now if I didn't live in Dangerous Minds territory and there wasn't a
man outside screaming at strangers. Who Wins?: Adele.
I Saved Up all My Sunshine Just to See You More Clear: Outside, Jenny
confronts the "We Don't Give a Fuck" duo -- except they do give a fuck, I
think, about Jenny. Jenny asks Shane why she'd do it, even if she thought
she'd broken up with Niki. Shane: "I swear, I'm your friend." She has a
funny way of showing it, actually: not so funny, funny guy. This'd be a good
example of not "Fun Gay."
Jenny: "I thought that we -- " Shane: "Jenny --"
No Conscience and a Cold, Cold Heart: Tina asks: "Just tell me one
thing ... how do you do it, how do you live with yourself?" and the crowd
gathers, shares opinions about "the man" bringing everyone down. But they're
distracted by Shane, Best Friend Ever, chasing Jenny. Niki's chasing too,
talking crazy about how they can all be friends. I think she doesn't
understand the difference between "friends" and "friends plus."
"You know what, it's the ultimate betrayl," Jenny tells Shane.
Jenny continues: "You've broken my heart."
I'd say this show sometimes makes me feel betrayed, but that'd imply I ever
expected anything more.
Lesbian Squabbles: 6 this episode, 46 total Lesbian Sexy Moments: 4 this episode, 36 total Quote of the Week: Angelica On a Scale of 1 to 10: Done! Where did the good go?!!
After I recover from this season, I'll be back with a season round-up
special. You can leave RuPaul all your worldly possessions here:
Leave your comments here:
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