Alice (as Shane walks in): Well, holy fuck. As I live and breathe.

Alice (looking at Shane's battered face): Looks like Carmen found you.

Shane: Helena hates me, doesn't she?
Alice: No, she doesn't hate you. But you know, apart from Carmen she is the one who got hurt the most. You know she's my roommate now?
Shane: Really? Well then, what do you think I could do to make it up to her?
Alice: You got forty million dollars stashed away in a sock?
Shane: What?

Nadia: Wow, are you an athlete?
Bette: No, why?
Nadia: Because you have very beautiful arms.

(Shay approaches)
Kit: Hey Shay, how'd you like your cake?
Bette: Hey, did you finish your milkshake?
Shay: I think I'm gonna throw up.
Shane: Oh um, look, the bathroom's right over there.
Helena (scolding): Shane.
Shane: What?
Helena: You should go with him.
Shane: What the hell am I supposed to do?
Bette: Hold his hair.
Shane: He doesn't have any hair.
Alice: Would you just go? (Shane walks off) Man, is that a fucking disaster.
Bette: She's so not ready for this.
Jenny: I wish Carmen was here.
Kit: She wasn't ready for Carmen, either.

Alice (in limo): Okay, what's the plan? You taking me to Papi?
Papi (chuckling): I ain't got no plan, baby. It's you who wanted to see me.

Alice: Wow. Pap-py, huh? A lot of people know you here. What are you like the Pope of East L.A.?
Actually, it's pronounced Papi.
Alice: What?
Papi: That's okay, chica. It's just a little more Latina than your tongue is used to.
Papi: Let me help you say my name right. You might need it later.

Papi: It's not something I do, girl. I don't wake up in the morning and say "Okay, I'm gonna eat some pussy today."  Well, sometimes.
Alice: Okay, me too.

Papi? You like, that?
Alice: Oh, wow. What are you doing?
Papi: Circles. Magic circles.
Alice: Circles.
Papi: Circles are good, right?
Alice: Oh, yeah. Circles are good. Yeah, circles. Oh, wow. Circles.
Papi: You like that?
Alice: Oh, yeah. I think I really like circles.

Alice: Do you wanna come in?
Papi: Oh, no no. Thanks, though. But it's against the rules. Rule #1: Papi doesn't do breakfast.

(Jenny reads a bad review)
Jenny: Okay. Se la vie.
Jenny (begins to walk off): Fuck you, Stacey Merkin! FUCK YOU!
(Shay, startled, spills some milk onto Jenny's purse)
Max: Jenny, come on. The kid's here.
Jenny: Oh my God! My bag! I was waitlisted for this bag.
Shane: What are you screaming about?
Jenny: Nothing.
What happened?
I spilled.
Oh, uh, okay.
No, that's not what happened.
Jenny: What happened is that Stacey Merkin's revealed herself to be a true cunt.
Shane: Hey! Please.
Jenny: And she used her gayness to get me to open up. And the thing is, Shay, I didn't even want to do the fucking...
Shane (puts her hand over Jenny's mouth): the second time.
Jenny: ...interview in the first place.
Shane: Done?
Jenny: Yeah.

(Shane prepares to leave Shay with Jenny for the day)
Jenny: Shay, say "Stacey Merkin's a fucking cunt"
Shane: Okay, you know what...
Jenny: Say "Stacey Merkin's a fucking cunt"
Shane: No, you know what, he's not gonna say it.
Jenny: Say it. Say it, say it, say it, say it.
Shane (taking Shay away): Have a great day, Jen
Jenny (still talking to Shay as they walk away): Stacey Merkin's a fucking cunt.

Jenny: And do you know what "Merkin" means, Jolene? Vagina wig. That's what her name means.

Shane: Hey, Marta. Marta. Can you ask my brother to come back in?
Marta: He left?
Shane: What are you talking about, "he left?"
Marta: He just walked out the door.
Shane: He's nine!  Jesus Christ. What, is life so fucking hard for you?!  You're fired.
Marta: Again?

Shane (on the phone with the police while driving): What do you mean I need a picture of him? No, no, no. I don't have a picture of him. I haven't known him for that long! (hangs up) Fucking moron. (Car horn honks) And what are you, fucking blind!

Helena (emerging from the bushes with Papi): So, would you like to come back for a nightcap?
Papi: Rule #2 - Never go home with a girl whose roommate you just fucked that same morning.

Products/Services pimped in this episode: OurChart, Curve Magazine, dykesinthecity