Helena: "I will pretty much do any job right now that doesn't involve sex or touching insects."



Alice: We never had that roommate rule talk. I'll give you mine. I'll start with me.
Um, okay, I feel like this would be the boundary of your space, so anything in your space you're responsible for.  And this would be my space, and anything in my space ... is Mine!
Um, which includes my office space, which I'll just kinda show you where that starts (rolls Helena out of the way in her office chair)
Alice: This is my office space, my work space. And I'm tidy. I'm a tidy person, and I like to keep this tidy.
But then we have, you know, the kitchen would be our space...kind of spaces.  And I feel like the untidy person should abide by the tidy person's rule.  So, did you, um, did you have any?
Helena: Just that my Pratesi sheets, don't put them in the dryer because... (phone rings)
Alice: Mm-hmm, we'll talk about that. Sheets. 
Alice: [into phone] Hello.... (walks off)


Bette: [laughing on the phone] Oh my God, that sounds awful. She did NOT say "a mixer for our gay and our straight friends."


Phyllis: Bette, did you just say something about a crazy hot women's party?


Brad: So even the beautiful one over there.
Alison: Yes, Brad give it up, they're all lesbians.


[Bette remarks on Henry's house]
Tina: Yeah, it's fine. I'd remodel it, but I don't live here.
Bette: Yet.


Alice: Thank god you're here we're totally outnumbered.
Bette: What do you mean?
Alice: Straight people.
Bette: Oh, Jesus.


[Shane introduced to Kelly & Alison - Tina goes to get her a drink]
Alison: That's such a great name. Shane.
Shane: Oh, thank you. Thanks.
Alison: It's perfect for you.
Shane: Oh well, thank you, I guess.  Good - glad to know that..
But I'm gonna go find Tina for that drink, so see ya...


Alice: alright guys, grace period's up.. I'm going in.
Bette: Good luck.


Blonde Woman: Your daughter is adorable.
Bette: Thank you.
Blonde Woman: What would you do if one day she decided she wants to live with her father?
Tina: We don't call him "the father" we call him the donor.
Bette: I really don't think that's going to happen.
Brad: Sorry, excuse me, I know you don't want it to happen, but kids have minds of their own. I'm sure your parents would rather you weren't a lesbian, you know.
Bette: My parents are dead.

Brad: I'm sorry, I'm just trying to be honest here.
Bette: An honest homophobe....that's nice.

Bette: No, I understand, Brad. I mean, you find gay sex repulsive and you don't care about your son's personal happiness as much as you do your own comfort level, right?
Guy on couch: You know, personally, I'm all for it. Between women. It's just that the idea of two guys, well you understand, right? [chuckles]

Angus: It's not that bad, actually.
[Guy on couch]: come again, dude?
Angus [eating]: Mmm. That whole dick and ass thing. I used to think it was a little creepy...and painful too...
but i found this great lube, it's called "boy butter." Once I discovered that it was like...[imitating dance music] lets get this party started...
Bette: I love him.
Kit: And he loves you too.  I've got to get back to the planet - c'mon butter boy, let's...sliiiiiide on out of here.


Alice: Oh, we won already, this is so easy. Okay
Alice: Actress, she was in I Heart Huckabees
Brad: Naomi Watts,
Alice: No, but funnier. Um, she was in 9 to 5.
Brad: Oh I know, I know what's her name.
Alice: Major dyke, major dyke, she came out big time in 2000. I mean, we already knew, but....um, come on, Big Business...Big Business!
Brad: [thinking] Um, dyke...
Tina: Sorry, guys, times up.
Brad: Okay, who was it?
Alice: Lily Tomlin!
Brad: Lily Tomlin's not gay, is she?
Kelly: He was on the verge of getting it. The gay clue threw him off.
Alice: Oh.


Jenny: Oh, I don't know who Terrell Owens is
Henry: Football plater.
.
.
Kelly: Oh, and he appeared with a Desperate Housewife in a commercial. She dropped her towel.
Helena: The desperate, what?

Ladies, ladies. Ladies, ladies, ladies. Oh, god. Thank god for my little lesbian planet.

Helena: Oh my god, there's Papi.
Alice: Hey!
Papi: Hey, chicas. What's up?

Alice: Shane!
Papi: Shane?
Alice: Ahh, this ought to be interesting.
[showdown music]
Shane: Hey, hey.
Papi: You're Shane?
Shane: [shoots tequila, exhales] Whew! [addresses Papi] Yeah.
Papi: You're just a skinny little white girl.
Shane: [looks down at herself] Oh. Yeah, I guess I am.
Alice: Shane!
Shane [distractedly]: What?
Alice: This is Papi.
Shane: Who?
Alice: Papi.
Shane: So, what.
Papi: So, I'm your competition.
Shane: Oh. Well, I don't know exactly what we're competing for, but uh, you win. It was nice to meet you. [walks away]

[Jenny meets girl in restroom]
Girl [looking at ad for Jenny's booksigning]: I missed that reading.
Jenny: Uh, yeah. It was last week.
Girl: Anyway, the book is really awful.
Jenny: Have you read it?
Girl: No, but the review in Curve magazine, "Sum of Her Parts makes me ashamed to even call myself a lesbian."

Bette: Shit, shit shit! I cannot believe she actually came!
Shane: Who?
Alice: What, what what, what, what? Did you sleep with someone?
Bette: No, Not in this lifetime.


Jenny: She's the one who ought to be shamed to call herself a lesbian.
Phyllis: The fact that she compared the two of you is proof enough of her stupidity.
Jenny: I know, thank you.


[music playing/girls dancing]
Bette: I'm sorry, Phyllis, this is just...
Phyllis: YE-HAW!
Alice: Wow, go get 'em, Phyllis.


Phyllis: I especially loved Alice. She's so vibrant.
Bette: Yeah, she's a great girl.
Phyllis: So, do you think she liked me?


Helena: Good morning, The Wax, how can I help you.
Shane: Say "Wax." Just "Wax." Okay?


Bette: We have a situation, Alice.
Alice: What are you going to stick me in the corner with a dunce cap on, Principal Porter.
Bette: My boss is attracted to you.
Alice: Really.
Bette: Yeah, she thinks the two of you made a real connection. She said that you "made meaningful eye contact with her." Is that true?
Alice: [gasps] She thinks I flirted with her?
Bette: Alice, this isn't funny.
Alice: No. no.
Bette: It's not. She wept in my arms because she's been unhappy for 25 years and now she's dying to find out what she's been missing and she thinks you sent her signals.
Alice: She really thinks I sent her signals. Really?
Bette: Yes. And we have to do something about it, we have to let her down easy.
Alice: Okay, okay, um-hmm. [cracks a smile]
Bette: Alice it's not funny.
Alice: No.


Alice: Phyllis.
Bette & Phyllis in unison: Alice!
Bette: Hello, Professor Porter.
Phyllis: Dean Porter, you're demoting her.
Alice: I'm taking Phyllis to Murakami.
Bette: Lesbian Sushi.
Phyllis: Really? Lesbians have their own special kind of sushi?


Bette [sarcastically]: Have a good date.
Alice: Okay, thanks. Phyllis!
[under her breath] Fuck, Alice.


Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that I can't keep my eyes off of you?
Bette: yes.
Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that you were the most intriguing person that I have ever met.
Bette: yes.
Nadia: would it be wrong if I told you that I have never wanted to kiss anyone more than I want to kiss you right now?
Bette: Nadia.
[unbuckles seatbelt and begin making out]
["Complicated" begins playing with the words "Fuck your pain away..."]


Products/Services/People pimped in this episode: Curve Magazine, Elle Magazine, Hugo Boss, Big Business, 9 To 5, Lily Tomlin, Naomi Watts, I Heart Huckabees, Bikini Kill, Le Tigre, Julie Ruin, Kathleen Hanna, Riot Grrrl, Terrell Owens, Desperate Housewives.