Phyllis: I just hope I don't end up on OurChart.
Bette: Phyllis, you can't end up on OurChart unless...
Phyllis: [waves & exits]
Bette: [to herself] Fuck me.
 

Brooke [to Max]: You're a freak. I don't date freaks. How dare you? You liar. What do you think I am?"

[Alice to Helena about basketball]
"It's like you're drying your nails... drying your nails... block me"

"And I still need to teach you how to slap the asses."

"I think you might be our secret weapon. Huh."

Hazel [to Angus]: "I pride myself on being good to go on a lot of things."

Kit: "I don't want a double digit shoe."

Alice: "Papi's going down."

Alice [to Shane]: "Well, First of all, do something about the sneaks, and second of all quit worrying, and just like flirt with the teacher."

Helena: "When did trainers get that expensive?"
Alice: "Um, let me see...in 1980."

Bette [quoting Jeanette Winterston]: "What art does is coax us away from the mechanical and toward the miraculous."

Random Mom [about Shane]: I didn't know this was back to School of Rock night.
Random Mom #2: Maybe Patti Smith's just here for the free food.

Paige: Ignore them, sometimes being a parent causes dementia. With side affects of pettiness.

Bette: I cannot believe you fucked my boss. Do you understand the consequences of this.
Alice: Really intense , great orgasms?

Alice: It's all about me broadening my horizons right now and... I liked trying an older vintage.

Alice: Oh, it's so clever, I can't believe myself.

[Playing Basketball]

Papi: I'm gonna cover you.
Shane: Okay.

Papi: So, you're my competition, Vanilla.
Shane: Whatever you say, Pops.

Papi: What you doing, Rodeo Drive?
Bette: Shopping, Bitch.

Alice: Are we at The Planet right now? I don't think so.
Jenny: No, but I told you not to throw it to me.

Papi: But I will still kick your micro ass.
Shane: Yeah okay, Dad.

Jenny: Bette.
Bette: What?!
Jenny: You're scaring me.
Bette: Ball in!

Papi: Don't be mad, Brown Barbie.
Bette: Who the fuck you calling "Brown Barbie?" You fucking Carmelita Tropicana.



Helena: Will somebody tell me when basketball became the new lesbian sport.
Alice: It always has been.


[about Shane]: I told you she was perfect.










 

Products/Services/People pimped in this episode: Curve Magazine, Elle Magazine, Hugo Boss, Big Business, 9 To 5, Lily Tomlin, Naomi Watts, I Heart Huckabees, Bikini Kill, Le Tigre, Julie Ruin, Kathleen Hanna, Riot Grrrl, Terrell Owens, Desperate Housewives.