Present Day Dreamland.
Alice is typing on an APPLE laptop. Are they still in business? She's typing
an erotic story about 40 Love. Enter Tonya Hot Pink. She knows Al wants Dane
and she's badbadbadbadbad for it to. Also Al shouldn't forget the bodacious
ta ta's if they are going to do it. Tonya states for the record someone's
hungry for you know what. And its Dana.
Roll credits.
FFW. I would've stayed for the Jive beat.
Wischnia War Room.
Gaymo(m) and Flashdance are with their lawyers. Bette will have plenty to do
by episode's end. Anyhoo. T wants her autonomy dammit, and JW's gonna get it
for her no matter what. She wants Tina happy, and in her bed. They discuss
the asset division and Joyce is not satisfied. She says this is a final
separation. At this point Bette grovels to Tina and asks her not to do this
to them. JW says it was her that did the doing. She thinks Bette is a loser
and that it's a little late to be apologetic. JW tries to manhandle Bette
out of Tina's grill and gets shrugged off. So they reschedule for another
time when "everyone's not quite so dramatic". How dare they be dramatic. JW
wants Tina to stay away from Bette till this is over. Now "what do you
need?" Ice Cream sundae, foot massage [sex]. My guest house then. Tina tries
to say no but JW's not havin' it.
Dangerous Intersections.
Great, Bette is gonna get in a wreck. Let me tell you from experience, that
when leaving a stressful situation such as an unforgiving ex, you can't
drive for shit, and Bette proves it. Ok, we're driving. Hey Bette, red
light...no no not the trademarked Saab. Screech Slam. Goodbye Blue Saab.
Baldy McShorty knocks on the Saab's window and demands Bette exit the
vehicle. So she does. And it's not gonna be pretty.
B: You need to stop yelling. No one was hurt, I have insurance, so shut
the fuck up, beyotch. Do you understand or do I have to yell like a fucking
insane savage?!?!
B McS: Your gonna be one sorry bitch!!
B: (Grabbing his collar with both hands) What makes you think I'm not
already? What makes you think I'm not already?
Planet Whatthehellhappened?
Kit gives a lackey instructions. She is totally fucking up the lesbian chi
here. She's turning it into Soul Planet. Al & Shane think she needs to get a
load of Gaytown up in the hizzy. Kit blahs about some guy that she booked
and really, no one knows who he is. She frankly is surprised by this, so
Alice saves the day by suggesting they book Pink, because she's in town,
that's why. Kit is pessimistic and so is Shane. Alice says "Believe in the
power of the Lesbian Phone Tree." Alrighty, now where I can I get a copy of
that tree?
Wischshewasgone's Jungle Room.
Alice is helping Gaymo(m) move in to Joyce's Guest Services House. They are
stoked that all those broken marriages sure did a fine job funding the
construction of this place. Yippee.
Planet Plastic-cell.
Bette brings Kit something the bank sent to her house. Kit asks how she's
doing. She just mopes. Well if your not going to complain then, Kit will.
Blah blah nothings going right. Blah. Bette shuts her down by saying,
please, I got you beat. So Kit wants to know if she's eaten, indeed she has
not. So they order Chinese... Just kidding Mexican.
Tim's No Longer.
Carmen Mulletto is looking for some drinks in the fridge in her Supa-Luva
costume. Hot. Jenny comes in and sees her awesome butt and they introduce
themselves. I fear Jenny will attempt to suck the life from this girl as
well.
Lickalottapuss Headquarters.
Carmen enters, and Shane is dressing. She asks where she's going. I venture
to guess she's going out. But she doesn't want Shane to go. She wants to
play a game. "Too Hot" as it is called goes like this. No touching, no
stopping of the kissing or you lose. Five minutes later, Shane loses.
Whoever wins gets to do whatever they want to the other.
Warped writer Girl.
Why does Jenny continue to write, and why do we have to be subjected to
this crap. The world will never know. It's almost like a flashback but not
quite. We are at the carnival again, and the Jenny clone is being circled by
hungry little boys. They run through the halls of what appears to be the fun
house. She gets pissed and throws a book through a mirror. It shatters. On
the other side is a replica of the room she is in right now. I traditionally
am confused by all of this nonsense. I don't get it at all. Neither does she
so she slams the Dell Laptop closed.
Lickalottapuss Headquarters.
I think we'll be seeing a lot of this place from now on. And a lot more
Shane. Mulletto and Shane are laying in the bed. She wants to know,
anything, about Shane. Throw her a bone here already, Shane. Shane just
wants up so she can go out. She doesn't do sleepovers.
L'Amandier. Or the Almond Tree. What?
Anyway, Tonya is in a meeting with the likes of Subaru, Absolut, Bride
Magazine, Wilson, and their business manager, Eric. 40 Love walks in and
they meet. She reminds them who they are, and then they sit down. Apparently
Tonya has been busy drumming up sponsors for Dane, that and she gets a 15%
managers fee. They are having the first ever, Corporate Sponsored Celebrity
Lesbian Wedding. Dana is not happy about this, because she didn't know about
it. Tonya insists they talk about it, she also worries she hasn't done
enough. Dana looks worried that she is about to marry a gold digger. I think
she may be right. Tonya leaves because the Monastat rep couldn't make it and
she is going to personally, pitch to her.
CAC of Wickedness.
Bette is trying to get sponsors for her new show. Her boss informs her that
Peggy Peabody is no longer the head of the Peabody Foundation, her daughter
Helena is. Why when Bette was recruiting Peggy, and they were talking about
lesbianism, did she never mention her daughter to be gay? Hmm? Weird. Boss
man says Bette may still be able to use them because Helena is one of her
"people". She retorts is she a Yale graduate? Or an art major? No, she's a
lesbian. So Bette asks that since, her and her "people" are on a first name
basis, why would that help? Because he figures their paths had crossed.
Bette says if he wants her to go to New York and make nice she will, just
stop freaking out she'll handle it. James informs her Baldy McShorty is on
the phone so she takes his call.
Bette: What part of no don't you understand Mr. McShorty? I am not going
to write you a blank check, I need an estimate, my insurance company needs
an estimate. Do you see a pattern here, it's the way things are done.
Baldy: wop wop wop wop...
Bette: Listen you little asshole if you keep pushing me you're gonna have a
lawsuit on your hands.
Baldy: Ok, then
Bette: Bring it on then, you fucking dwarf.
ROFLMAO
Miss Congeniality's.
Alice is cleaning, she has a breathe-rite or a Clearasil blackhead strip on
her nose I'm not sure. Buzz Buzz. I won 50 bucks cause it's Dana. Alice
wants to know if she came to vent about Tonya Hot Pink. She doesn't want to
come up though, because of the rules. Alice is all just come up already.
They talk at the door. 40 Love complains Tonya is taking 15%. Al says she's
marrying an endorsement slut. Alice thinks that maybe Dana is a little
brainwashed. She agrees. They blah some more about Dana's tight legs or
something. They make sure they are coming to the planet. Al inquires is
Tonya coming? You betcha. They say their goodbyes and leave, after ten
minutes of awkward silence.
Writing School for Dummies.
Jenny is stalking Sandra Bernhard now, so that she will re-read Jenny's now
fictional story, because she is not leaving till she takes it. She tells her
teacher that re-reading it means more to her then anything, and she really
wants her to make her a better writer, she "has already." She puts the story
under the windshield wiper and leaves. Miss Birch hatefully, takes it off
her car. She has perma-hate scowl on her face anyway. I'd be scurred.
Tim's No Longer.
The group consisting of Shane, Tonya, Dana, Alice, and Jenny entering, are
convening to break in the new spread. Kit calls Al to see if she got Pink.
She says not yet, and apologizes, tho I'm not sure what for. They are
sitting around drinking, when Bette decides to grace them with her wasted
presence. She talks to much, and drank to much, so now she is stepping on
toes. And Shane says hey we're here to have a good time. So they proceed to
sit there, through yet another, awkward silence. Tonya decides to break the
silence with a "stupid question." If you saw yourself at a bar would you ask
yourself out? I know you all answered too. Here are the girls' answers.
Tanya: I would see myself and think my thighs are too big then I would say
I like that, and ask me out.
Dana: I think I would ask myself out... (Alice: ...but it would never happen
because she wouldn't have the balls.)
Shane: I would fuck myself, but I wouldn't date myself. Because she
doesn't do that - it's against the rules.
Alice: I would think I was hysterical and charming but I would never go
there. (Dana: Something tells me you would.)
Jenny: If I were a guy I would totally ask myself out, but if I was a woman
there's no way I would ever ask myself out. (I don't think anyone would,
truthfully)
Bette: (ohNO)... If I saw myself at a bar I would go running... in
the opposite direction. And cue maniacal laughter.
Casa de Despair.
Alice and Shane are dragging Flashdance to bed. She's totally plowed and
can't walk. The girls take off her shoes and help her into bed. Bette begins
to cry. They console her as much as they possibly can. Alice apologizes for
crossing that line, and kisses her forehead. Shane apologizes that life's a
bitch and does the same. They lay there till the fade out.
Writing school for dummies.
"Hello and welcome to the defining moment of your existence." She slides
Jenny her paper it is "Indeed Better". Jenny is happy. YAY.
Casa de Despair.
Bette is recovering from her hangover when James calls. He wants to know
some stuff. She informs him she isn't coming in today and that she needs him
to email her the Peabody application. They hang up. She turns back over, to
reminisce feeling up Tina's pillow.
PlanetSoul.
Food, people, music, neon, polka dot disco balls, no lights, weird face
things and what looks like gay people, I'm not sure. Kit welcomes a group of
peeps.
Wischshewasgone's Jungle Room.
Alice is there to pick up Gaymo(m). Only she's not going. She has to finish
a grant proposal? What the hell is that for? Is she still working for Oscar?
Did I miss something? Anyways, Alice thinks she needs to be there to support
Kit, and remember how she always said how it would suck if her and Bette
broke up, well it does. "You know it's like Bette is smoking and drinking
herself to death, and I'm gonna just say it Tina, your just eating your
pain." She thinks that if she doesn't stop eating she's going to have "to go
to an ashram or hire some really important personal trainer, but you don't
have the money." T says Al I'm not fat I'm pregnant. Alice is stunned, she
asks if Bette knows, Tina says she didn't think she could handle another
miscarriage. Just keep telling yourself that T and it'll be true. NOT.
PlanetSoul.
Carmen's spinning, peeps are dancing, and Shane and Jenny are entering.
Carmen waves to them, they wave back to Carmen. Jenny wants to know if
Shane's going to go say hi? Shane says she already did.
Casa de Despair.
Gaymo(m) is picking up more digs. She makes the bed, cries and smells
the pillows. She snoops on Bette's APPLE laptop to find an email from
Marina, Dana, some backspring place, oh and Candace. It says I miss you,
with a picture of her and Bette together in bed. I must add importantly,
that Bette is asleep, in it. Tina feels pissed off, or pissed on whichever
feels worse.
PlanetSoul.
Alice arrives desperately seeking the nearest person to share her pregnant
news. Shane is that lucky person. And she tells Alice to shut it. Then the
Lesbian phone tree that Alice shook, dropped out Betty, so they have came to
rock the mic.
The outer ring of the Planet.
Bette smokes. For God's sake what is Jenny wearing? Bette is wearing
anywhere from Prada to Chanel and they buy Jenny's wardrobe on sale at the
local Retirement home garage sale. Geez. Jenny walks up and says how are you
doing? Bette asks how she was doing when her life fell apart? She keeps
replaying the times when she could have stopped herself. Jenny says she
can't do that because we all make mistakes. She doesn't know why Jenny is
talking about this to her, its not like she was nice to her when she was
going through this with Tim. Jenny just says I don't know I guess I just
know how it feels. More awkward silence.
PlanetSoul.
Everybody's dancing. Alice is walking and stops by a dancing Tonya and Dana.
Tonya insists they talk about the other day when she said a good woman doesn't
sit on the shelf long. She hopes she didn't offend Al. She knows Al wants
that relationship thing for herself. And that she also knows that she took
away her best bud but don't worry Tonya likes to share. Al races off, "I gotta pee. I gotta pee. I GOTTA PEE!" Dana says she has to pee to. Tonya
says not so fast hot stuff. That was a hilarious scene. Kit introduces Betty
and they sing It Girl. The lead singer, Miss Elizabeth Ziff (resident music
composer) coaxes Shane up on stage, of course she does. They make out... a
lot. Jenny and Carmen sit and talk about Shane. Interestingly enough, as I
predicted Jenny wants to take Carmen home, but she rainchecks her because
she's still working. Kit and Betty rock out while Bette can't take this good
of a time, so she jets.
Casa de Despair.
Bette can smell Tina. And she sees her bed is made and her laptops on
with the email and picture on it. She is smitten. So she walks into the pool
completely clothed while Kit and Betty keep singing "Some Kind of
wonderful." She floats face first and it took all of 2.3 seconds for her
hair to go curly, I've never seen anything like it.
Well that's the end to a laptop filled, awkward silence, painfully funny
episode.
Next Week
Bette meets Helena and lies, Tonya sets Al up on a mandate and Dana is
jealous. Shane and Jenny interview potential drama-filled roommates, and The
Wisch puts the moves on T. Say it with me, Ew... gross.
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