Another fortnight, another recap. But before I start this one, I'd just like to express my sincere gratitude to those of you who've written in commenting on my reviews! It's SO lovely to know I can make people on the other side of the world laugh and smile, just by what I write! :-)

A Bard, such a myself, thrives on feedback. So thank you from the bottom of my fingertips for taking the time to write in to Oz & Slicey about my reviews! You know who you are! :-D Y'all made my day!

Special thanks goes to the lady who pointed out my error in the fact that the Crazy Bitch Director was actually the Crazy Bitch Producer! Who knew I'd end up getting mail from someone who'd ACTUALLY worked on The Shawshank Redemption and can be found listed on IMDB.com!!!! Wow! It's amazing the journeys writing can take you on folks! :-)

And now, we return you to your regularly scheduled slice of lesbian life .....

---------------

~FADE UP ON~

......Previously on The L Word......

*cue montage of last weeks' events* 

~FADE UP ON~

......Los Angeles, California - Yesterday...... 

A terribly cheesy, elevator-musak, "ba-ba-bada" type version of the theme tune, as we see Kit talking with the Mr T.O.E. (Dr. Benjamin Bradshaw, or Flim Flam man, as I christened him from last week!)  They're having coffee by a hotel pool, and he says it gets lonely for him on the road all the time. Awww, poor Flim Flam, sleeping alone every night, different town every day, being away from his "family" (take not of that folks!) and no doubt earning BIG BUCKS! Damn shame! *rolls eyes* Kit reveals she used to do roughly the same thing when she used to tour, but she coped by getting drunk every night and waking up next to a strange guy every morning. AAAAAH the dull, boring life of a musician on the road..... SO many people to DO, SO little time to DO them in.... *weg*

~CUT TO~

Kit and Mr Flim Flam leaving the hotel and saying goodbye.
A kiss on the cheek follows.
Which then turns into a kiss on the lips.
Which then reminds them they shouldn't be doing that, (He's a married man for heaven's sake Kit!) and they stop.
Which then turns into.....

~CUT TO~

them both falling onto a bed and having a rather fun bit of, what we in the quaint olde land of England call, 'nookie', 'bumping nasties' or, for the Chavs amongst you, 'fucking'.

~FADE UP ON~

.......opening titles.......

"this is the way that we, way that we liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive, and loooooooooooooooooove!"

It's just no good - I'm starting to love the new theme tune! Gods help me, but it's fast trashiness is quickly winning me over!  ;-)

~FADE UP ON~

An apartment complex somewhere.
It's Alice and Tina, and they're moving Tina into her new place.

Tina's putting up a pic that she doesn't even like, but it's the only thing she could find that has nothing to do with/wasn't bought by Bette! Y'know, I've a feeling that Bette would be like one of those husbands that used to come into the shoe shop I worked in for YEARS! They'd come in with their wives, and watch them trying stuff on, and if THEY didn't like a particular pair of shoes that the WIFE liked and felt comfy in, they'd say so, and the bloody wife wouldn't blimmin' BUY the things! MAD! It's like they can't even make their own decisions but they have to be ratified by their spouse! Icky! *shivers*

Anyhoo, Alice is her cute comedy self as usual and starts rocking out to Pat Benetar on the radio, as they work at unpacking stuff, and then in walks Helena Peabody. She's come to drop off some paperwork, does so, then pops off again.

Seemingly Tina's going to be attending some swanky dinner for all those who were awarded Peabody grants, and so she'll be seeing Helena again on Thursday.

Tina bemoans the fact that Helena saw her new place, and herself, in a right old mess. Alice, ever astute, mentions so what if Tina's not dressed in designer togs! Helena does seem to come across as very Alpha-female, powerdressy (remind you of Bette anyone?) and rather interested in Tina. Though Tina thinks the exact opposite and bemoans that fact to Alice.

Alice, being Alice, just rolls her eyes and scoffs. ;-)

~CUT TO~

Jenny and Sex-On-Legs-Shane talking about The Hotness That IS Carmen etc

Camcorder Guy, (who's making coffee in the background) realises that both women seated at the table have 'been out with' The Hotness That IS Carmen and starts coming up with the usual smutty guy conclusions - that lesbians 'share' girlfriends etc. Ewwww!

Sex-On-Legs sets him straight about that - she ain’t going out with Hot Carmen no more (BOOOO!) and then Camcorder Guy enquires how Sex-On-Legs-Shane manages to get all the women she does. He tells them HIS pickup technique, then Sex-On-Legs coughs up hers.

Basically it goes thus:

He: eye contact, laughing at all their jokes and telling tragic childhood stories
She: listens, doesn't talk too much, figures out what each woman wants

Now, you can call me biased (I'm a gay woman after all!) but I'd say that Shane's method would get me each and every damn time! ;-)
Whereas I'm not at all surprised that Mark seems to be single. *weg*

Camcorder Guy makes a lame suggestion that Shane, Jenny and Carmen should have a threesome, (quell surprise *yawn*) to help Jenny out with getting Carmen.

AAAAAH young men. They are just SO darn predictable, aren't they :-)

Sex-On-Legs states flatly, "I don't fuck my roommates". Oh well, guess that well and truly bursts Mark's bubble - HURRAH!

~CUT TO~

Alice meeting Dana at (I presume) The Planet.

Dana has limited time, due to CAT KILLER! being off at some meeting or other, and wants her and Alice to nip off and have some wild animal sex. Ok, so I added the last part (after "some..."), but c'mon, can you blame me! Last weeks' sexual dénouement between the two was HOT! ENCORE, I SAY! ENCORE! *weg*

However, Alice isn't playing along.

Stating she doesn't want to be the 'other woman' in the affair (good for her! Go give tips to Kit, Alice, please!) she says she wants Dana to leave CAT KILLER! for good. Be still my beating heart! Are my dreams shortly to come true! Will the feline murderer get dumped! *crosses my fingers, toes, eyes, legs, arms etc that it'll come to pass!*

Dana says she really wants to be with Alice - who wouldn't! There's probably a queue already! - and agrees to break up with CAT KILLER! after the tennis tournament she's about to play.

Then she slips off a shoe and starts playing footsie under the table with her lover.....

~CUT TO~

Our Bette, dressed in a rather lovely casual outfit, (hair all curly and half-down, nice jacket, cool jeans, and a top that could very well be expensive underwear, but who cares! *weg*) coming to visit Tina at her new apartment complex.

Tina's outside her door, still unpacking stuff, and so they start talking. Bette says Tina looks good and wants to be invited in, but Tina isn't wanting company right now. Bette was obviously hoping to get a warmer reception than she has, so just cuts to the chase and gets on with telling Tina she is amazed and hurt that she didn't tell her she was pregnant.

She points out they were still together when she must have got pregnant, has used the sperm THEY had chosen etc, and so therefore the baby is THEIRS. She wants to be in its' life, whatever happens etc.

Tina isn't so happy about that and isn't sure she even wants that. Unfortunately, now she's had it pointed out to her that Bette used to make ALL the decisions, I think she'll have a knee-jerk reaction to anything Bette 'wants'. Which is a shame.

She shouts at Bette that she needs to think about it and goes into her apartment, leaving Bette standing there forlorn.

It's getting to be a habit with me, I know, but I'll say it again - poor old Bette :-(

~CUT TO~

Hot Carmen getting the last beer from the fridge while Sex-On-Legs lights up a ciggy. (In a ridiculously cool fashion, but then, it IS Shane, so what should I expect! *g*)

Hot Carmen chugs the beer down.

And down, and down, until even Sex-On-Legs has to mention about it, accusing her of being a "tease".

Then before you know it she's up and over, getting verrrrrry close to Hot Carmen, making her spill her beer all over herself!

Sniffing Hot Carmen's neck, she cheekily mentions she stinks (of beer) which prompts said hottie to chuck beer all over the front of Shane's jumper, causing her to backtrack across the kitchen with her beer-wielding foe following, threatening another soaking. Which she promptly delivers, much to the mirth of both women.

 To say that almost every scene which features just Kate Moennig and Sarah Shahi is way hotter than most pornos - even when they keep their clothes on - is no big deal. After all, most porno is pretty crap, and most scenes featuring these two are blisteringly hot AND practically oozing with chemistry.

In my humble opinion (and ignoring all spoilers I've ever read!) these two women seem destined to end up together.

They are like two lesbian magnets, unable to resist the pull, no matter what they do to avoid it! MMMMM :-)

Oh. Good. *rolls eyes* Along comes Jenny to spoil the mood and the moment! BOOOOO! HISS! Work on your goddamn timing woman! Just cause you've got a kicky new haircut, doesn't give you free reign to spoil fun sexy Shane-moments! Now get back to your laptop where you belong!

(btw, Hot Carmen turns round as Jenny enters the room, and we see Sarah is wearing a nifty t-shirt, emblazoned with the logo "EVERYONE LOVES A LATIN GIRL". Which is pretty cute, but would have been way more accurate if it had read, "EVERYONE LOVES A LATIN GIRL -  AS LONG AS HER NAME IS SARAH SHAHI!!!")

Turns out Jenny actually came in to inform Sex-On-Legs that Camcorder Guy is videoing all their girlfriends in the lounge - Shane is NOT pleased.

~CUT TO~

Said filming of said friends in said lounge.

"Would you make out with a guy for a million dollars?" is the terribly terribly insightful gem which Camcorder Guy is asking all the assembled ladies.

(Ok, so, I'D probably make out with a guy for $1,000, but then I'm cheap! *weg* Though if it were Brad Pitt I'm sure I could arrange a freebie for him.....)

Hot Carmen ratchets up the fun a notch or two by saying she's make out with a REPUBLICAN for a million dollars.

Cue disgusted stares from the assembled womanly friendlage.

(Ok, so I wonder what they'd all say to kissing a Republican GUY for a million! lol! Methinketh the pot would have to be a taaaad larger for any self-respecting lesbian to contemplate THAT lil doozy....)

Jenny asks Hot Carmen to retract what she just said, cause "Republicans are fucking scary!"

Hot Carmen thinks that "scary can be HHHHOT"

Personally, I think the way Hot Carmen says "HHHHOT" can and IS fucking HOT! ;-)

*goes off into a lengthy Carmen-induced daze.......*

er...., oh yeah, finish off the review...... *slaps self*

Camcorder Guy baits Hot Carmen with the idea of making out with TWO friends at the same time (remember his lil conversation with Shane and Jenny earlier?!) and she denies she would. Meanwhile, Sex-On-Legs has gone to lounge on the sofa in the arms of another nameless conquest-of-the-moment and promptly starts making out with her.

 Camcorder Guy is still filming Hot-Carmen's reaction to his question, and therefore catches perfectly her reaction upon seeing Shane making out with Conquest Chick.

i.e. disappointment etc :-(

Hot Carmen decides to promptly get out of there with the excuse of "C'mon Jenny, lets get more beer!", and off out the door she heads with Jen in tow, leaving Camcorder Guy to pan round to Shane, on sofa, smoking, in arms of Conquest Chick, flicking him the bird.

 Btw, if Shane could get any cooler, I firmly believe she'd bring on another Ice-Age. Brrrrrrrr! ;-)

~CUT TO~

An art exhibition.

'Women Of Allah' by Shirin Neshat, seemingly, as it's printed on the wall.....

(I have no idea who that is, but I'll ask my girlfriend, as she's dead arty etc *g*)

Round the corner comes our Bette, and she proceeds to look at the pieces of artwork, which are mostly photography.

However, the entire exhibit is suddenly ruined for poor Bette when a Peabody appears!

Yes, it's annoyingly posh Brit, Helena again, casually striving to make Miss Porter's day even more crappy.

Helena congratulates Bette on getting Leo Herrareah (sic) and Poor Bette (yes, I've finally given her an apt nickname folks!) looks at her as if she's speaking Japanese.

Helena explains to the friends she has in tow that Leo is coming for a few months to help raise funds for the CAC.

Poor Bette, clearly not having THE first clue about what she's speaking of, looks suitably embarrassed and miffed and makes herself scarce ASAP.

~CUT TO~

A car at night, pulling into a gated house entrance.

It's Bette, and she gets buzzed in.

Turns out it's Franklin (in his bathrobe) and she starts laying into him about this new Leo guy and how he's hired him behind her back and in breach of her contract.

Franklin counters that the CAC is in trouble without the usual funding and bringing in Leo to help WILL be within the bounds of Poor Bette's contract.

Poor Bette gets told to discuss it tomorrow and so she stomps off.

As ever, I say again, POOR Bette :-(

~CUT TO~

Bette driving along, making a call on her handsfree (sensible woman! *g*)

She's called Tina as she's having a "rough time".

You can say that again Porter!

Regaling her tale of CAC woe to her ex, she accuses Helena of being behind it all and calls la Peabody a "fucking dragon!"

As Tina doesn't come up with a ringing agreement to that statement, Poor Bette comes to the conclusion that Tina is sleeping with Helena, asks her is that's so and warns her off, with the line:

"DON'T do it Tina! She'll eat you alive - she's a vampire!"

Now, it's true....I'm no fan of Ms Peabody, but methinks Poor Bette is being a little hysterical here. Mind you, the thought of someone else sleeping with my ex would probably do that to me too, so I see where she's coming from there.....

Tina, having had quite enough of being told what to do by Poor Bette, tells her that who she sleeps with now is "none of her fucking business", tells her she won't let her control her like before and hangs up.

Y'know, I do believe I detect a hint of a spine growing in our Tina! Perhaps the baby is providing one as a bonus ;-)

~CUT TO~ 

CAT KILLER! and Dana getting their bags ready in the car to leave for the tournament.

CAT KILLER! walks off a ways to make a couple of calls on her mobile (for the yanks among us, mobile = cell phone *weg*) just as Dana gets a call from Alice, enquiring as to whether she's told CAT KILLER! to take a hike yet.

Dana pleads with Alice rather too loudly to "stop pressuring" her, and CAT KILLER! overhears, then asks what's wrong.

To which Dana has to hastily come up with the lie that it's her mother on the phone, and she hates it when she calls her before a match to wish her luck, as it puts more pressure on her yadda yadda yadda....

CAT KILLER! looks mostly convinced, and carried on with her own call.

~CUT TO~

Sex-On-Legs going to open her front door, cause someone's banging on it.

When she does, she's greeted by THE sexiest delivery girl EVER, who has a bunch of flowers for a "Shane McCouchin".

*sniggers*

Sex-On-Legs corrects her pronunciation and accepts said flowers with bemused interest, as the delivery girl is very clearly making goo-goo eyes at her, despite having only just met her mere seconds ago! Now, we all know our Sex-On-Legs-Shane is a superfast worker when it comes to tha laydeez, but c'mon! MERE SECONDS!?! Surely you jest, delivery girl!

Delivery Girl flirts, Shane calls her "Ma'am" (ooooh my! *shivers excitedly*) and goes to put them in water when Delivery Girl prompts her to.

To cut a very short story even shorter, Delivery Girl comes in and helps look for a vase, then hastily ends up helping Sex-On-Legs look for her tongue, tonsils, ass and various other body parts......

~CUT (nooooo! GO BACK to Shane & the Delivery Girl goddamn you, you goddamn director!) TO~

Sandra Bernhard in a gym doing reps.

Jenny's there, asking her teacher more about what she should do to improve her writing etc. *yawn*

Sandra tells Jenny she has an assignment for her and starts doing bench weights with Hunter.....

~CUT TO~

Shane and a now topless (HURRAH!) Delivery Girl getting it on in the lounge.

Oh poo, it's clearly being shown to us on Camcorder Guy's laptop screen - NO fair!

Gormless Gomey and Mark sit there and watch the action and being all Beavis & Butthead as usual, until Camcorder Guy starts zooming out of the body shot and onto their faces.

Gormless Gomey is displeased - he no get he lesbo action!

But in a rather unexpected twist, Camcorder Guy actually wants to "know what she's feeling". i.e. Shane.

Good grief, have I been remiss in dismissing Mark as a simple quick-buck-voyeur-horny-guy?

Does this mean he is ACTUALLY trying to make a documentary work of art?

Hmmmmm, curious......

~CUT BACK TO~

Sandra, who is now working her body on one of those giant exercise balls. (Y'know them - like the one Ellen is using at the end of If These Walls Could Talk 2?! Aaaah THERE ya go.... *g*)

She dishes out an assignment to Jenny which I WHOLEHEARTEDLY approve of - i.e. Jenny must go the rest of the day without talking. She will have to "express her needs without using audible language".

Oh goody! That means NO 'fucking bullshit drama' for at least the rest of the ep from the strange one! HOORAY!

Ms Bernhard is my new hero, and I'd hug her if I could! UNTIL I remind myself that not talking DOESN'T preclude not writing (and thereby having arty-farty scenes of freaky carnivals and fairs etc) and so it's still possible that the writers of the show will crowbar yet another Jenny-writing-stream-of-consciousness yawnfest into this ep, like they have all the others.

Oh well........

Jenny is instructed to not talk for the rest of the day, then write down what she experiences and hand it to her teach as her assignment.

Oh. I. Simply. Can't. Wait.

~CUT TO~

Alice and Sex-On-Legs (blimey! one minute she's fucking a delivery girl at home, next minute she's in a hotel at "La Hoya", wherever that may be! The girl is FAST!) walking down a hotel hallway.

Alice informs a reluctant Shane that she's there to convince Dana she's making a mistake and shouldn't marry CAT KILLER! (well, DUH!)

Sex-On-Legs can't understand why she's been roped into this little farce at all and doesn't think it's a good idea.

They round a corner, only to be greeted by CAT KILLER! in a bathrobe and head towel, so they scurry back behind a corner and wait her out.

Btw, CAT KILLER! was on the phone enthusing about the fact that they have Melissa Rivers hosting the event!

I say, who she? It's probably an American thing.....

*hears IMDB.com calling my name*

Sex-On-Legs suddenly twigs that Dana doesn't even know they are there, and Alice quickly sets out the plan:

i.e. SHE is gonna go talk to Dana in her hotel room and SHANE is gonna stand watch in the hallway and call Alice's mobile in case of unexpected CAT KILLER! returnage.

This scene is hilarious, and is made even more so when Sex-On-Legs states the plan is "dumb", and Alice rushes off to Dana's room, leaving the second sexiest woman on earth to skulk in a hotel room hallway like a spy! LMAO!

Dana opens her room door as Alice rushes in and they immediately start playing tonsil hockey (er, note to self: shouldn't that be tonsil TENNIS?!) with Alice getting in breathlessly between snogs that she wants Dana to promise to tell CAT KILLER! the weddings off THAT night, or she won't leave the hotel room!

Cue more desperate, lusty snogging......until........

Alice's phone rings!

EEP! AWWMAHGAWD!

Alice panics and disappears into another room, until CAT KILLER! returns and then she jumps out, all "SURPRISE!" with a tennis racket waving about! lol! CAT KILLER! comes to the conclusion that Alice has come along to support Dana (yeah, support her all the way to an ORGASM if you hadn't walked in, you feline-fearing freak!) and Alice is only to happy to play up to that, putting her arm round Dana and being all pally etc.

Which gives Dana the perfect chance to feel her up while CAT KILLER! isn't looking. ;-)

And talking of CAT KILLER!....she calls Dana "PookyPie". Ok, I'm officially barfing right now. If my girlfriend ever calls me that, I'm so gonna slap her!

 ~CUT TO~

Hot Carmen (YAY!) and Silent Jenny (YAY x billion!) strolling along somewhere near Jenny's place. (I think....)

Ok, so call me old fashioned, but, if I went out on a date with a woman and she was SILENT through the ENTIRE date, I would NOT be looking to go out with her again in a hurry. Though, for some bizarre reason, that's EXACTLY what Hot Carmen wants to do! Why why why!? Hot Carmen, Jenny is WEIRD! That's why I used to call her The Weird One for Pete's sake! You've ostensively just spent an entire afternoon in the company of another woman, and all you've done is talk to YOURSELF! Christ girl! Get a grip! lol! Trust me, you don't wanna date Jenny. G'wan back and date Shane. You KNOW you want to! ;-)

(plus, there's always ME if Shane isn't around - and believe me, I wouldn't be silent the whole time either! *weg*)

Ok, is it JUST me, or does Hot Carmen appear to be holding a staple gun with a daisy poking out of it in this scene?!

Wha? :-/

Oh god! Maybe Jenny's weirdness is starting to rub off on Hot Carmen! NOOOOO!

*prays, even though I'm atheist* PLEASE don't make me have to refer to the sexiest woman on earth as Hot WEIRD Carmen in future episodes! PLEASE! I'll go to church and everything!

*says 3 hail marys and two hows-yer-fathers for good measure*

Hot Carmen waits to get an answer out of Silent Jenny, about having another date sans silence, and when it's clear she isn't going to talk at all, she simply lifts her chin with a gentle hand and kisses her softly, eventually pulling back, leaving Silent Jenny with her eyes closed, longing for more. Till she opens her eyes and they smile at each other. Bless!

AAAAAAAAAAH Hot Carmen....................the things you do to me woman :-)

*replays that scene in my head straight away, and simply replaces Silent Jenny, with Moaning Sci-Fi Bard*

~CUT TO~

Silent Jenny, still being silent. Sitting in contemplation ON her desk, and starting to type away at her laptop.

Cue beat filled music and I fear another arty-farty Jenny writing-imagination scene is on it's way, as she types the title of her assignment on the screen....

THE RINGMASTER....

Oh penguin plop! I was right! Dang my clever brain! And off we go into the weird and wonderful (for wonderful, read, WEIRD) world of Jenny's creative process/mind.

To be truthful, as I watch Ms Bernhard dressed as a circus ringmaster intoning everyone to roll up, roll up etc, I RE-HEEEEEALLY do not want to watch the rest of it, and contemplate the fast forward button.

HOWEVER! I am here not only as a viewer of the show, BUT ALSO as a REviewer for all you L Word fans out there reading this. And so, with that in mind, and fortified that I do what I do for the sake of the written word, I carry on watching.....

*groan*

For a brief minute I think I've popped in my DVD of When Night Is Falling by mistake, but then I realise we are still in the same Jenny-Writing-Imagination scene as before.

Oh. What. Fun.

Jenny is done up as a "Silent Ballerina" (yes, cause so many of them are loud like diva opera singers OBVIOUSLY) and seems to be atop the platform used by the high wire balancers in a circus. She has an air of a Perriot clown about her - all doleful, sad and fragile.

Carmen is done up as "The Beautiful Temptress". i.e. practically a living representation of a Hindu god. (My money's on Kali, and that would fit in with the "scary"/fear type motif discussed when Camcorder Guy was filming them all earlier. But that's enough of my tantric blather..... ;-)

Needless to say Carmen, in this guise, has many arms, and looks stunning as usual.

*pulls my deeply dirty thoughts back from the brink JUST in time to look at....*

Shane, who is the "Temptress Tamer" and has THE crappest outfit on EVER (it's a brightly patterned waistcoat, a Sheik's style Arabic hat and a whip + her normal clothes! Jees! Get a bigger clothing budget Ilene! lol!)

Really, nothing of consequence happens after that, apart from 'Shane' whipping the air, going over and snogging Carmen etc.

Oh, and Jenny falls off the hire wire platform.

(Shame it's not in real life then.....)

*yawn*

~CUT TO~

Camcorder Guy handing over a videotape to.....

Delivery Girl!

GODDAMN! He set her up to make that delivery JUST so she could seduce Sex-On-Legs (well, it'd be hard not to) so HE could film it!

Man, that's COLD! Ok, suddenly REALLY not liking Camcorder Guy.

However, he redeems himself slightly by offering to not use the footage if Delivery Girl doesn't want him to.

Which, btw, she doesn't. Cause she doesn't wanna hurt Shane, cause Sex-On-Legs was "really nice" to her.

Awww bless her little cotton delivery socks! :-)

Mark is stumped yet again, at Sex-On-Leg's ability to get girls to A) sleep with her, B) fall for her and C) LIKE her.

Poor man. I doubt he'll ever really 'get it'.

There's a little more to this scene between the two than just that - a really funny and insightful interplay - but it'd be too long winded to explain it to you here. (Plus, I'm just evil and want to make you wait to see the show! *g*)

~CUT TO~

The Heineken Celebrity Slammin' Jammin' tennis Tournament.

Ooooh lookey! There's Dana playing that game she's supposed to play but never seems to these days! i.e. Tennis.

 CAT KILLER!, Alice and Sex-On-Legs are watching from the stands, and CAT KILLER! spots Melissa Rivers with her film crew (btw, seemingly she's an Actor, TV/radio host. I know that cause I looked it up on E