Alice pitches her uninterested boss on her six degrees of sex chart linking
all the lesbians she knows. She is trying to sell it as a story that is a
profound statement on the nature of human relationships. He’s unmoved.
Finally she gives in to his stare and offers to do a piece on vaginal
rejuvenation.
<Titles – The L Word – We seriously need to make a case for some opening
titles!!>
Tina comes home from her morning jog with a revelation. She was wrong. She
doesn't know what got into her. She'd be ecstatic to use Marcus Allenwood's
sperm in order to have a baby with Bette. What was she thinking?
Bette, fresh from the shower, greets Tina at first with raised eyebrows and
a snicker about getting her hot and sweaty. Tina announces that she wants to
make a baby, that night, in their bed without doctors or gowns or hospitals
– just the two of them, sexy in love, with Marcus’s sperm that Tina is going
to fetch that afternoon from the cryobank. Bette is overjoyed and follows
Tina back into the shower for a romantic moment. Of course, she says, I
would love to make a baby with you.
Jenny tries to talk to Tim, one would assume about Marina, but he's in a
hurry to get to a training session. Jenny watches him go, annoyed and
relieved at once. What the hell could she say to him anyway?
Shane emerges from the apartment of her latest lover looking dishevelled but
happy. (But when does Shane not look dishevelled?) The woman runs down the
stairs to kiss Shane goodbye, asking when they're going to see each other
again. Shane avoids making a date, saying only that she'll be at Milk on
Thursday.
We realise that we're looking at the whole exchange through the eyes of
Shane’s stalker, Lacey. Lacey watches Shane untangle herself from the latest
fling and walk to her car, chatting on her mobile phone. She tries not to
cry.
Dana is training while her coach walks beside her, chatting on a mobile
phone and throwing her various instructions. He hangs up and suddenly needs
to go somewhere. He suggests to the confused Dana that she get a light snack
for forty five minutes or so. She agrees and heads for the Country Club
restaurant.
Alice arrives at the office for her vaginal rejuvenation appointment. After
having to yell "I need to have my vagina rejuvenated!" into the speaker on
the street she's finally allowed up to the clinic. It’s actually quite
funny. To Alice's horror, working behind the desk is her ex-girlfriend
Gabby, a woman who treated her badly. Gabby begs Alice to give her another
chance and meet her for lunch, swearing to prove how much she’s changed.
Alice can't help herself, Gabby is just too hot and all Alice seems to think
about is sex. Alice gives in and then goes to sit next to woman in the
waiting room who has obviously had the rejuvenation already and is forced to
sit on a blow up cushion to ease the discomfort... eww. That must be the
director’s statement on vaginal rejuvenation. Alice pretends to read but
instead she's really grinning and checking Gabby out.
Dana is sitting in the restaurant when a plate full of nicely-arranged
vegetables arrives. After saying she didn't order the food it turns out this
is chef-flirting (some women send flowers, others send vegetables?). Lara
the sous chef has sent the low-cal, high-energy snack with her compliments.
Dana looks over, sees the hottie, and a crush is born.
Jenny sees a message on the machine. It's from Marina, to say she's thinking
of her. She contemplates this and heads to the studio to write. She writes a
bizarre sequence of her book where she kills off Sarah Schuster, the main
character.
At The Planet, Lacey follows Shane inside and starts snapping random
pictures of her, yelling out that Shane’s time of fucking with people is
over. Shane shields her head from the onslaught and Marina wrestles Lacey
out onto the street and tells her to get lost. While Marina is outside she
sees Jenny sitting in her car. She's happy at first and waves, but Jenny
just drives off. Marina looks hurt, but shrugs it off and gets back to work.
Alice, Shane and Dana contemplate what's up with Jenny and Marina. While
Shane insists its none of their business, Alice is intrigued, and Dana
admits she doesn't have a clue what they're talking about. Dana is
flustered, how come she can never tell who is gay? She has no gaydar. Alice
runs with the idea and proves the theory is right by testing Dana on a woman
who has just walked in. To Shane's amusement Dana has absolutely no clue.
Dana confesses she has a thing for Lara but doesn't want to make a move
until she knows if Lara is gay, hence not having a gaydar is an issue. Shane
and Alice hassle her out, but Alice thinks that they should look up her name
on the chart that Alice has now put on the internet. Shane is less than
thrilled with that fact.
Jenny is back in the studio writing. Her hero and heroine are at a funeral,
where they somehow become her and Marina, and they start making out
surrounded by mourners under the hot sun.
Jenny snaps out of it. She goes back to the answering machine and listens to
Marina's message again. "Hi Jenny, it's Marina. I was thinking about you."
She rewinds it and listens again. Finally she reluctantly erases the
message.
At home that evening Tina and Bette open some red wine and toast to
themselves, the future, honour the sperm (yeah, you heard me) and then take
the whole procession into the bedroom for some sexy insemination. Steamy sex
ensues. They're a hot couple. Wowser.
At Alice's house, Alice, Dana and Shane are looking at the chart when Alice
reveals she saw Gabby again. Dana and Shane lament over how badly Gabby
treated Alice the first time. Shane says she'll kill Alice if they get back
together again. Gabby is obviously seriously bad news.
Courtesy of Alice, Dana finally learns the difference (hilariously) between
soup chef and sous chef. Alice starts looking by checking all Shane’s
connections. Shane tries to explain that it wouldn’t have meant anything –
which doesn’t exactly thrill Dana to bits. But it doesn’t matter because
according to the chart no one in town has slept with this girl. Lara Perkins
does not appear anywhere on the chart. It doesn't look good for her gay
status.
The insemination is complete. Tina is lying on the bed with her legs in the
air. The doorbell rings and Bette looks up, perplexed at who it could
possibly be. Of course, it's Dana, Shane and Alice. Alice and Shane insist
that gaydar issues they can handle, but Dana has serious relationship issues
and needs expert advice. Dana looks mortified. Bette insists its OK, saying
they were finished anyway, which makes Dana even more embarrassed.
Tina's legs are still the air. The gang all gather in Bette and Tina’s
bedroom. Alice picks up the insemination needle and accidentally squirts
sperm on Dana. It's really gross. Shane muses that they could actually be
there at the moment of conception. She's apologetic and offers to leave, but
Bette and Tina insist that its way too late for that so they may as well
spill the beans on why they came.
The gang muses on Lara, asking Dana questions about hands, nails, personal
contact, flirting, eye contact... it's all moot since Dana has never talked
to her and the only thing she sees her wearing is her chef’s uniform. They
all admit the food-gifts could mean anything, not necessarily flirting.
Finally Bette insists they mount an operation the next day to “ascertain the
disposition and intent of one miss Lara Perkins.” Wouldn’t we all love to do
a bit of research on Lara Perkins?
Conrad, Dana's agent, surprises her in the women's locker room. He's
obviously an asshole. He asks Dana to wear her sexier shorts to training the
next day because reps from Subaru are going to be in the stands checking her
out to be in their ad campaign. Instead of being annoyed at him for the
shorts comment she's excited and actually hugs him, promising to wear the
shorts. We get the feeling she is intimidated by her agent and that’s why
she doesn’t stand up to him.
When Conrad leaves Lara comes in and spots Dana looking nervous. She asks
what’s wrong and Dana tells her about the possible ad campaign. Lara insists
that of course she’ll get it, and this afternoon why doesn’t Dana come
upstairs and she’ll send over some healthy food again? Dana says yes,
please. This is the first time they've talked. It's all awkward and cute.
Alice is at The Planet looking miserable. She's been stood up by Gabby for
their first “I’ve changed, I really have” lunch date. Shane walks in to
fetch Alice for their Lara mission and guesses the truth, claiming it is for
the best. Bette and Tina follow – it’s time to get underway. Gabby shows up
just as they're leaving, offers an excuse about losing track of the time
while writing (appealing to Alice’s writer instincts) and asks Alice to
stay. When Shane calls Alice to hurry up, Gabby accuses Alice of always
needing to do what her friends say. Shane shuffles Alice out, but not before
Alice mouths “call me” to Gabby.
The caper begins. Four women climb out of a small car, complete with secret
agent music and a sense of the ridiculous. They take up positions in the
restaurant, Bette and Tina together, Alice at point by herself, and Shane
with Dana. They all take stock of the "cute redhead". After a few hilarious
inconclusive takes on the matter (kitchen shoes, hoop earrings, no response
to Bette and Tina kissing – all very hard to read) they retreat to the
bathroom and regroup. It’s decided that they need to send in their big gun.
Shane tries to hit on Lara and gets no reaction. Conclusion: Not Gay. Dana
is crushed.
As the women leave the club Lacey drives past. Shane gets flustered and
hurries everyone off.
Back at The Planet, Alice hassles Bette and Tina about their future child
being the diversity poster child. When Tim enters, the conversation switches
to whether or not Tim knows about whatever is going on between Jenny and
Marina. Bette insists nothing is going on, that monogamy is sometimes
practised by some people and that Alice should get over her preoccupation
with sex. Alice just gives her the patented Alice “yeah, right” look.
Tim and Marina chat at the counter. Marina comments nonchalantly that she
hasn't seen Tim and Jenny for a while. On the spur of the moment Tim invites
Marina to a dinner party they're having that night. Bette and Tina are even
going to be there. At first she says no but he insists and her curiosity
gets the better of her so she accepts.
Back to the tennis court. Dana is playing her heart out for the benefit of
the Subaru people - in her sexy shorts.
Marina arrives with Bette and Tina to the dinner party. It’s all terribly
polite and cordial. Jenny is running late so Tim hasn’t even told her Marina
is coming. When Jenny arrives and spots Marina she has a minor freak out and
practically races upstairs.
Subaru loves Dana, they want to sponsor her and use her in the campaign.
She’s going to be a rich woman. As Conrad delivers the news Dana hugs him.
He’s still a slimy asshole. Can’t wait until Dana realises that too.
Jenny continues to have her minor freak-out upstairs when Tim comes to calm
her down. The shock at seeing Marina up close and personal has made her
unable to think straight. She covers it by telling Tim she doesn’t like
Marina and her attitude and tells him off for inviting her without telling
her. It seems she can barely keep herself together around Marina. Tim tries
to get Jenny to get over it by suggesting she talk to Marina about whatever
problems they have and “kiss and make up”. Cue collective lesbian
sniggering.
It's karaoke night at Milk when Alice and Shane arrive. Kit is leading the
proceedings. Gabby is there, holding court by the bar and showing off her
new boots. Alice admires from afar. Shane reminds Alice once more that she
is an absolute idiot if she gets back together with Gabby, and that Gabby
will stomp all over her dignity with those boots.
Jenny and Tim make the announcement that they're getting married just before
the first course. Everyone looks happy, except Jenny who looks scared and
Marina who is obviously just trying to keep a detached look on her face,
like it means nothing, when inside she's screaming. Bette and Tina exchange
meaningful glances.
Gabby leaves her harem and finally makes her move on Alice, insisting that
Alice has been ignoring her. It works. Alice is obviously hooked, despite
Shane's protests. They’re going to get back together. It’s just a matter of
time.
Marina asks to see Jenny's ring when they get a moment in the kitchen alone.
Jenny looks so shaky as she holds out her hand, like she's about to fall
over. Marina moves in closer, holding Jenny’s hand. She asks Jenny if she's
happy. Jenny replies "don't ask me that". Their hands are still touching.
During the intimate moment Bette comes in and has her worst fears confirmed.
Marina and Jenny do have something going on. Bette is disgusted. She
approaches Marina in the bathroom and asks what she thinks she's doing.
Marina insists she's doing nothing wrong.
Bette gets Tina and makes an excuse to leave, not trusting herself to be
there and not give the game away, she's just too angry. Bette likes Tim and
thinks Jenny and Marina are making a fool out of him.
As Bette and Tina arrive back at the house they're surprised by Kit who has
let herself in. She's chosen this moment to ask Bette's forgiveness as part
of her twelve step program. Bette's in no mood to hear it and walks off, so
Kit reads the list to her through the closed bedroom door. It’s
heartbreaking. Bette is close to tears but doesn't come out. Eventually Tina
tries to make excuses for Bette, and Kit just leaves.
Dana is coming out of the shower in a towel as Lara finishes dressing to
head home. Lara asks if Dana got the Subaru gig and Dana shyly admits she
did, really genuinely pleased with herself. It makes her look incredibly
cute, as does the wet look from the shower. Lara congratulates her
enthusiastically, saying they're lucky to have her. She says goodnight and
leaves, and Dana is already floating on about cloud eight.
A brief moment later Lara reappears, looking determined. She moves in closer
to Dana, pushing her gently back against the locker and leans in for a brief
kiss. Dana responds. It’s quick, but full of promise. Lara gives a little
shrug and says "just in case you were still wondering". She turns and leaves
quickly. Dana is left there looking like she's about to faint, as happy as
it is possible for a human to be.
Alice and Gabby end up making out against the wall in the club. Wowser.
(Watch the two real-life lesbians show the other girls how it’s done!) A
woman approaches Shane and it looks like supergirl will score yet again.
Lacey sees this and struts up to the stage complete with Melissa Etheridge
shirt (nice in joke), churlish pout and an agenda. She grabs the microphone
and tells the crowd what a bitch Shane is for fucking around and puts a
spotlight on her, trying to incite the crowd to chant "stop the menace". It
doesn’t work, but the girl who was hitting on Shane loses her nerve and
leaves apologetically.
Tina soothes Bette by saying she thinks she's right to have such strong
convictions, that she loves her for it because it sets her apart.
Marina finally leaves the dinner party having charmed the socks off
everyone. She’s even been speaking French with Randy’s wife. After she
leaves, Tim, Randy and Randy’s wife all joke about who has fallen at least a
little in love with Marina. She was a hit. Jenny scowls. The only person in
the room actually in love with Marina says no, she isn't.
Fade to black.
|
